


It's All My Fault...

by Eren_Mc_Swaggy_Pants



Series: Fight with Fear [1]
Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, Death, Dreams, Eventual Smut, F/F, Heterochromia, Levi Ackerman - Freeform, M/M, Multi, New ideas are Emerging, Nightmares, Sadness, Self Harm, Steampunk sorta outfits, Violence (more) in the future, not steampunk universe tho, slight Levi/Eren may be added? Not main pairing, suicidal
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-05-12
Updated: 2016-03-22
Packaged: 2018-01-24 11:23:17
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 34
Words: 46,179
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1603373
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Eren_Mc_Swaggy_Pants/pseuds/Eren_Mc_Swaggy_Pants
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Eren just wanted to be born normal, to fit into the crowd, to laugh and play and enjoy life like everyone else. That's not the case, however. Eren is born as a cursed child, his eyes two different colours. One is a vibrant green, greener than emerald and just as beautiful as one while the other is a blinding yellow, nearly as bright as the sun. He has had a hard and miserable life, ever since he was born. Everyone made fun of him for his eyes, his father doesn't accept him as a person and treats him like a rat, and his mother cares about him but is too embarrassed to be seen in public with him. One night, Eren suddenly starts getting dreams, nightmares, where there are giant creatures called titans and every time someone in his dreams die, that same person in real life dies as well. At first, Eren believes its a crazy coincidence but he soon learns this is not the case. He's scared, hiding his fear behind a pair of green lenses for his eyes, worrying his friends, Mikasa and Armin, stays quiet and doesn't talk. That is, until Armin's boyfriend, Marco, introduces Eren to Jean.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Why Me...

**Author's Note:**

> Okay so I'll be updating whenever I can I hope you enjoy this series! Enjoy! Bye~ P.S I accidently hit the post button so please sit tight until I finish chapter one omg im an idiot I apologize. In Eren's POV

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Eren starts getting terrible nightmares where giant creature human people eat humans and soon realizes that these dreams, might not really be just inside his head.

I woke up, sitting up quickly in my bed, beads of sweat rolling down my face.

I frantically whipped my head around, making sure there was absolutely nothing around me. When I claimed everything to be safe, I took a deep breath in and released it, closing my tired eyes.

_What the fuck was that..._

I sat there in my semi blacked out room for a few moments before returning to my normal position underneath the covers of my bed. I tried to go back to sleep but couldn't. I couldn't go back to sleep. And I hadn't a clue why. Was I too scared? Had that nightmare really freaked me out that much? I sighed and brushed my shaggy bangs out of my eyes as I sat up once again, rubbing one of my eyes. After a few moments, I decided to get out of my bed, slipping out from under the bed sheets and standing up. I tiredly walked to my bedroom door and opened it up.

I squinted as I waited for my eyes to adjust to the hallway lights. Once my vision was clear I started walking down the stairs and went into the kitchen, turning on some lights. I sighed as I grabbed a clean glass cup and went to the fridge to get some milk, filling my up my glass. I quickly chugged the liquid down and wiped my mouth with my shirt sleeve as I put the cup into the dishwasher.

I just stood in the same spots for a few moments, closing my eyes and listening to the late night traffic outside and then the alarm of an ambulance started piercing my ears. I sighed miserably.

"Why aren't all people the same." I asked myself softly. That seemed to be the question I asked myself a lot as I absently brushed my fingers just below my right yellow eye. I hated it. I hated that eye. I wanted it gone, out of my sight whenever I looked in a mirror. Why couldn't my eyes be the same fucking colour.

"You can ask that question as many times as you want but no one is going to be able to answer that." I quickly turned around, my eyes meeting with beautiful black ones.

"Why are you up so fucking late, Mikasa?" I asked, slightly annoyed Mikasa had caught me.

"I woke up when I heard you thundering down the stairs like a psychopath." Mikasa said with an indifferent shrug as she looked at me with her usual worried gaze.

I scowled and replied back,"Its not like I tried to make a ruckus. You know what, I bet you're just a light sleeper, is all."

I watched irritably as Mikasa rolled her eyes and walked toward me, cupping my cheeks with her hands gently. Her hand were slightly cold but I didn't really care, I was too annoyed with the pitying look she was giving me.

"Stop it." I snapped, not intending to be that cold towards her.

I watched as she bit her bottom lip gently but she removed her hands from my cheeks, taking a step backwards.

"Sorry... I'm just... Really worried about you, Eren. You're changing and I hate seeing you like this--"

"You don't need to worry about me." I cut her off halfway, making a move to walk past her only to have Mikasa step in my way, her face holding mixed emotions between hurt, anger, concern, and annoyance.

"I said I was just worried about you, Eren. Am I not allowed to worry and care for my friend? No, brother. Am I just suppose to watch him slip away from who he really is? Am I suppose to watch that happen, to watch him slowly break apart in agony? Do you think I enjoy seeing you suffer?! Huh?! Is that what you think, Eren?!" My eyes had widened a lot during the amount of time it took her to finish, then I started feeling incredibly bad. I really was a horrible person.

"Mikasa... I'm sorry, I didn't mean to snap at you--" I started apologizing but she quickly cut me off.

"Save it, Eren. I'm going back to bed."

Without another word, I watched as Mikasa walked back upstairs and disappeared in the gloom.

I waited a good five minutes without moving an inch before I lifted my right hand and smacked myself as hard as I could across my right cheek, feeling the stinging pain spread throughout the area. It was already starting to swell. Good. I deserved it. I deserved pain.

I lifted my left hand this time and once again I brought it down with a hard _'smack'_ across my left cheek. I repeated the process for five minutes until I really couldn't bear any more pain.

I quickly shuffled toward the downstairs washroom and locked the door behind me, digging around in my cabinet until I found what I had been searching for. I held up my pocket knife as I drew the blade, the light reflecting off of the shiny metal. I then pulled out an old towel an put it under me. I then started to run the blade up and down my skin, marking up whatever place I could as I watched the new wounds start to swell with blood, a few drops of the thick, red liquid falling down onto the bath towel i had placed on the ground. I continued hacking up my arms until I started feeling nauseous, I quickly leaned down and dropped the straight razor, I held the towel tightly and awkwardly to my arm wounds. After a few minutes I got up and dug around in my cabinet again until I found my first aid kit and pulled out the gauze. I then started to wrap up my arms, thickly and firmly. I was done in less than fifteen minutes and cleaned up everything and put it neatly away. I sat in the bathroom for a while before I started crying, and once the tears started falling, they couldn't stop.

"Why am I so fucked up..." I sobbed as I cried all night in the bathroom until sun rise.


	2. Blood...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Eren goes through some personal and emotional stuff and meets Jean for the first time while he's at it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry I'm really bad at updating ;( I'll try to set a day of the week where I /have/ to update that way I won't procrastinate ;). But yeah since its summer hopefully I'll update more. So feel free to comment or question anything (I know im not very clear on things and sorry if this isn't very realistic). Thanks for reading! Bye~

"-ren! Eren! Get your ass outta there! It doesn't take two hours to take shit!"

I groaned as I woke up hearing Levi's familiar voice pestering me to get out of the bathroom. I smiled slightly as Levi started grumbling curses to himself and then decided it would be a good idea to start banging on the door.

"Eren! I swear, if you don't get your dirty ass out of there in the next three seconds I will kick down this fucking door! Other people need to shit too you know!" Levi raged from outside the wooden bathroom door.

I chuckled softly to myself as I started making farting noises with my mouth like a freaking two year old would.

" _Ugh..._ " I groaned before saying,"I dunno, Levi... This brown monster just doesn't wanna peek out..." I had to resist the urge to laugh as I heard Levi sigh.

"Just tell it to poke its fucking head out and then its body will slip out easily after that!" Levi said irritatedly, although I could tell he was amused, just by the way his voice slightly held a high note in it.

I laughed and stood up from my seat on the toilet, wondering when I had fallen asleep. After a few minutes of checking myself in the mirror, I finally unlocked the door and smiled my best smile at Levi.

Levi scowled at me and mumbled a quick _'took you long enough, brat'_ at me which had me laughing again as he quickly shuffled into the bathroom. I didn't tell him he had forgotten to take off his pink bunny slippers though.

I tiredly walked into the kitchen where Mikasa was eating toast with nothing on it. _Plain freaking toast_. I mean, who does that?! I need at least something on my toast! Butter, peanut butter, nutella or even jam would make toast _that_ much better than it just being plain! Seriously, sometimes I believe that Mikasa has no taste at all.

I silently walked into the kitchen, making sure to avoid Mikasa. After what happened last night, I'm sure she doesn't want to talk to me or deal with my shit ever again. Not that I could blame her, if that is the case. Hell, I don't even know why _I_ put up with my shit.

This probably sounds really cliché; but it feels like there's something thats stopping me from ending it all, stopping me from getting rid of myself. Its like a physical barrier, but this barrier cannot be seen. Its definitely not mental... There's no way. There's absolutely no way its mental, my mind keeps telling me that its time to end this pathetic excuse of a life and let someone else come into this world. But every time I'm about to end it all, it feels like something is stopping me from doing what needs to be done...

Is it fear? The fear of dying and going into oblivion for eternity? Is it guilt? Am I feeling guilty for never repaying the people that matter most to me, after they had taken care and loved me for all this time? Or... Is this fate? Am I suppose to be tormented for the rest of my life? Is that my purpose to fill? Is that why I was born? I don't understand... I've done nothing wrong... Its not fair.

It took me a few moments to snap back into reality, I could feel my hands going numb and when I looked down at them, I wasn't surprised to see my hands clenched in tight fists. I was mad, after all. I had no clue why I was even born. Its obvious that I wasn't ever meant to find happines, so I keep coming back to the same question; what is my purpose?

I sighed sadly as I opened up the stainless steel fridge and looked through its contents.

Jam, pickles, milk, ham, cheese, oranges, leftover lasagna, cereal... Wait! Cereal?!

I pulled out the cold cereal box and turned around to glare at Mikasa for a good five minutes before she finally looked up at me.

"What?" She asked innocently, although guilt was written all over her face.

With my free hand I pointed at the cereal box and sternly replied,"Last time I checked, cereal doesn't belong in the fucking fridge."

Mikasa rolled her eyes and stood up, grabbing the cereal from me and putting it back in its proper cupboard. Just as I was about to leave, completely satisfied, Mikasa decided it would be a good idea to be a smartass.

"And last time I checked, you weren't such an organizational freak."

I took a deep breath in order to calm myself down and not say anything back but failed miserably because the next thing I knew, I was turning around to face my friend with a cold look in my eyes.

"How about you just mind your own fucking business?!" I yelled without thinking, Mikasa now glaring at me with that deadly look of her's.

"Eren, shut the hell up. You don't have the right to raise your voice at me, not after the way you've been treating me for the past few months, nor do I appreciate it in the slightest." Surprisingly, Mikasa was able to keep her voice calm and steady all the while she was talking.

I resisted the urge to shut up as I yelled one more thing at her, one more thing that I would regret more than anything,"I hate you! I wish I never even met you!" Then I ran upstairs to my room, but before I turned around, I got a glimpse of tears in Mikasa's eyes.

I'm an idiot.

***

From 7:30 a.m to 9:00 p.m I've stayed in my room with my door locked so no one could come in. I haven't stepped out of the room _once_ since I went in here, not even to eat or take a piss or shit. I just sat on my bed cutting large marks into my skin, although, I may need help soon, I've lost a lot of blood. Too much.

But then again... Mikasa would freak out and call the ambulance or something stupid like that and I didn't want that. After what I said to her I deserved pain. I deserved to lose blood. I deserved to just die. Maybe I'll lose enough blood to die. I probably could, considering both my arms are covered in blood and my bedroom carpet is too. Ehh... Mom won't be too happy about the blood stain... 

I weakly tossed my pocket knife a few feet away from me as I collapsed onto my bed, immediately closing my eyes. My room reeked of the metallic scent of blood but I didn't mind. I can feel sweat drip down my face as I finally start slipping away into darkness, a small smile lingering on my lips. This is it. I can finally leave. I can leave everything behind. My friends, my family... I'll miss them, but they won't miss me. I know I'm not the most loved one, so the blow shouldn't be too hard on them. I felt a tear fall down my cheek, I opened my eyes a fraction to stare up at the ceiling. I felt more tears fall down my cheeks as I soon started sobbing softly to the realization that I'll be going without anyone truly loving me.

My mind started to get hazy and I let out a strangled cry, I was sure I was gunna pass out or something until I heard a small knock on my door, followed by Mikasa's voice softly asking,"Eren? Are you okay?"

No... This can't be happening... Not now! Not when I'm _this_ close to disappearing!

Levi's voice came next after Mikasa's, a slightly annoyed tone in his voice,"Eren! Get your ass outta there and eat something, brat."

I didn't answer at all, refusing to move or speak or give any indication that I was in my room at all. I thought I was actually getting away with it too, until Mikasa opened up my door. Shit... I could've sworn I locked it... It is a finicky door so I guess I need to double check next time...

I didn't bother looking over at Mikasa as she rushed up to me, eyes wide in horror, asking me things like,'what have you done, Eren?!" and,'Why would you do this?!"

The only responses that came out of my mouth were grunts and groans as I saw Levi out of the corner of my eye call someone, most likely the ambulance. Although, I couldn't bring myself to care as I closed my eyes and let blackness envelop my mind. The last thing I saw was Mikasa's face covered with tears.

***

_Beep..._

_...Beep..._

_...Beep..._

"Ngh..." I groaned softly as I opened my eyes a crack, blinking quickly to get used to the bright light above me, hearing people shushing down their chatter as I got up.

When I was finally able to see clearly, I was surprised to find myself in a hospital bed, both my arms wrapped up in thick bandages. I was even more surprised to see Mikasa, Levi, Armin and Armin's boyfriend, Marco, sitting on chairs around my bed.

"W-wha--" I was about to ask what was going on before Levi interrupted me.

"Long story short; you decided to hack up your arms, Mikasa and I found you, we called the ambulance, now you're okay." Levi stated bluntly, which I'm not surprised.

"O-oh..." Was all I could think to say before my stomach started rumbling which had me blushing. Why do embarrassing things happen to me at the worst of times?

Armin spoke next, although hesitantly,"Umm... Marco's friend went to get pizza for all of us... He should be here soon..."

I groaned, annoyed. Just great. The last thing I need is for some random stranger to know what I just did. Thank you Mikasa and Levi for totally screwing up my plan to kill myself. Thank you so fucking much for nothing!.

After I groaned I saw Mikasa's jaw clench, her hands turning into fists as she looked up at me.

"Don't you dare fucking complain about anything, you got it? You're lucky to be _alive_. If Levi and I hadn't come into your room when we had..." She didn't finish her sentence as she lowered her head, wrapping the red scarf I gave her when we were ten tighter around her jaw.

I sighed, rolling my eyes when all of sudden, the door to my hospital room opened and a gorgeous man was there, holding a large pizza box in his hand.

All I could do was stare at the beautiful stranger. He has sandy, brown hair covering his head, his hair cut in an undercut which suits him surprisingly well, his cheeks and nose rosy from the air outside which I'm guessing is probably night since its summer. He also has very nice looking eyes... The most beautiful chocolate brown eyes I've ever seen... And he has a beautiful smile too... The only way to describe this man is; beautiful.

We all just stood in silence until Armin nudged Marco's shoulder with his elbow slightly, looking up expectantly at his boyfriend.

"O-oh! Yes!" Marco finally caught on and continued,"Everyone, this is my best friend, Jean."

Jean. Thats such a nice name... And he looks really kind too... I bet him and I could become okay friends...

I watched as Jean waved at everyone and said a soft 'hi' before turning to me and commenting,"Well, you look like shit."

Or not.

I blinked a few times as I processed these words before frowning and retorting,"Well you look like a horse!"

Jean then decided to _scowl_ at _me_ as if he had the right to! Like, what the hell?! He's the one at fault here!

Jean then said to me,"Well at least I don't look like a white robot with a fucked up face!"

I was getting pissed off but... There seemed to be something else besides anger that was happening between Jean and I... It wasn't bad, it was... Good? Well, whatever it was, it surely lifted my spirits as Jean and I exchanged insults for the rest of the night until everyone had to go home to sleep, although they all promised they would come back in the morning.

After everyone left, I started wondering why no one broke up the fight between Jean and I. I yawned as I got settled into bed with the help of a nurse, deciding I would ask Mikasa tomorrow about it, that is, after she gives me a two hour long scolding session. I closed my eyes as the nurse turned off the room lights and closed my door. I let sleep embrace me as soon as my eyelids slid shut, believing I would have a peaceful sleep, but, as always, I was so very wrong.


	3. Dreams Are Real...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mikasa, Levi, Grisha and Carla are going on a family vacation, without Eren. While they're away, Eren starts getting bad nightmares so he calls Armin over but Armin sends someone else in his place.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, okay. I have a lot of stuff in mind for this fic and I really just wanna get to the sad parts but unfortunately I have to wait because I'm not at that part yet. ALSO: I finally got a tumblr blog (without parents knowing but oh well) and my username is: ayyimahere . 'Cause I legit had nothing better to use. And I currently do not know how to post stuff from my ipod, only texts... Sooo yeah... I have a lot of studying to do... Anyway, Hope you Enjoyed! Thanks for reading! Bye~  
> P.S: Who thinks Sundays should be the days that I post? I might not always stick with it but... Oh well, I'll try my best, and thats what counts. Bye~

"You're what?!" I yelled at my mom, I couldn't believe a word she just said.

She looked at me sadly and lifted her hands to cup my cheeks but I took a step back, my face turning red from anger.

"I-I'm sorry, honey... But... We just don't have enough money to bring you along..." My mom said softly and bit her lower lip, looking down at the ground sadly.

"Bullshit! I'd rather hear the truth than a lie! Let me guess! The reason you aren't taking me with you guys is because of my fucking eyes, right?! And because I'm so fucked up!" Tears were in my eyes by the time I had finished speaking, just staring at my mom with anger and hurt pulsing in my eyes.

She sighed softly, looking up at me with small tears in her own eyes. I wanted to slap them off of her. She had no reason to be crying, the bitch.

"Sweetie, I truly do want to take you with us all but..." She left her sentence hanging in the air which just upset me even more. I just wanted a damn straight answer.

"But what?!" I yelled at her.

"But you're just to much of a pain to handle!" The voice came from behind me and I whipped my head around only to see my dad, Grisha, glaring at me.

I waited a few moments for my mom to say something stern to my dad because she hated it when dad said such things about me, but I frowned when I didn't hear her say anything. I looked back around at her and she was just looking at the ground, biting her now swollen bottom lip, hugging herself.

She agreed with him.

And it hurt me...

I felt tears drip down my face, I don't even know why I'm making such a big deal out of this. Its just some stupid family vacation that I would probably hate but... Just the fact that my mom wanted me to stay home hurt me so much. The fact that she didn't want me to come because of who I was, like I wasn't even part of the family... And making up a shit excuse like "we don't have enough money" is absolute bullshit! My father is a scientist/doctor that is rich enough to afford four mansions with hundreds of acres of land.

"And now you're crying, you're such a hassle." My dad said from behind me. "This is why I never wanted you. You should just jump out your bedroom window right now and see if it kills you, you imbecile."

"..." Once again I waited for a reply from my mom or something but there wasn't so much as a gasp coming from her. She really didn't care about me. Neither of my parents did.

I could just jump, and end it all here. Easy as that.

"...Maybe I will..." I said softly but loud enough for both my parents to hear, and when they didn't stop me, I took a step towards the staircase when a hand grabbed my arm. I thought it was my mom, I thought that she actually did care about me until I heard the voice, Mikasa's voice.

"You're not going to do anything, Eren." Typical. She had been listening to the whole conversation from the kitchen since its right beside the hallway I'm in, most likely with Levi since I couldn't hear him vacuuming upstairs.

"Mikasa, sweetheart, this matter doesn't concern you, honey." I nearly laughed after my dad said that. He cares more about my adoptive sister than his own son.

"It actually _does_ concern me." Mikasa shot back with a scowl which my father only sighed, he would've beaten me to a bloody pulp if I had so much as muttered something behind his back.

"You're brother is old enough to makes his own decisions, Mikasa." My dad said calmly.

"He can't make his own decisions if no one is supporting him! It also doesn't count as 'his decision' if someone is telling him what he should do!" My sister raged on, her face getting red with the effort.

I hated seeing her like that, I especially hate it because its usually because of me... No, its always because of me. I'm the one thats stressing her out so much.

"Mikasa." I say softly but harsh enough to get her shut up, the tone I'm using indicating that I want, no, need her to stop talking about this.

"No, Eren! I'm not just going to stand around and watch you suffer and agonize over shit like thi--" I cut Mikasa off before she can finish her sentence.

I'm looking down at the ground, a small fake smile plastered on my face as I softly mumble,"Its okay, Mikasa. I'm fine."

I watch Mikasa's hands clench into tight fists but all she does is whisper a small _'Okay...'_ and walks past me to the living room. She knows I'm not "fine". She hates it, in fact, whenever I say I'm fine. It tells her that I'm grieving inside, tells her that I'm about to do something brash and stupid. I feel horrible for troubling my poor sister over it, I hate having her worry about me. I know she's scared she's going to lose me, because besides Levi, I'm all she has. I honestly don't think she counts my parents as part of her 'family' because, lets face it, they're monsters. Although, I guess thats not true. They aren't the ones worrying people they love, they aren't the ones who are constantly fighting and hurting people they care about. If anything, I'm the monster.

***

Its been two days since my "family" headed out of the house for their three week "family vacation" without me. And I be damned if I said I wasn't bored out of my goddamn mind.

Literally for forty-eight hours I have done anything except laid on the couch watching the whole Adventure Time series on the tv for the third time.

Fucking Christ I need a life 'cause I hate the one I have now.

It doesn't help that Armin is always too busy (probably banging with Marco) to come and visit me. I am constantly calling my blonde coconut friend every commercial break seeing if he can hang out at all, to which I have no luck.

Fuck my life.

I look down at my watch, realizing its been eleven minutes since I last called Armin. I shrug and dial his number again. To my delight, Armin picks up this time.

"Arm! Oh my god I thought you were dead, you didn't pick up at all before! Can you hang out with me? I'm really lonely and I'm watching Adventure Time and its making me cry because Flame Princess broke up with Finn and, and..." I start rambling on like an idiot until Armin finally tells me to calm down.

"Jesus! Eren! Calm down already. Sorry I've been ignoring your calls but I'm with Marco right now and well... We haven't had a private time in a while, so were trying to make use of the time we have now, since Marco's parents are out of town for a few days..."

"O-oh, its fine, I'm just bored so there's no problem. Yeah, you make good use of that time. Well, I guess I'll leave you to it, see you, Arm." I quickly hang up before Armin can reply because there's no doubt in my mind that the blonde would start apologizing his ass off when he doesn't need to, I'm the one thats being a greedy brat.

I sigh as I close my eyes shut, my eyelids feeling really heavy all of a sudden, I feel my phone slip out of my hands and fall onto the floor somewhere but I don't care. I'm too hypnotized by the feeling of sleep drawing me closer to it until its wrapped all around me. I had no clue I was this tired but here I am now, out cold on the couch breathing softly as my mind goes blank.

***

_"...isn't a drill! I repeat! This is NOT a drill! Titans have breached the walls! Get ready to fight soldiers!"_

_Wait... What? Whats happening? I look around and I'm in a small warehouse by the look of things, giant containers surrounding me. There's people as well, though. I look around and they all have terrified expressions plastered upon their faces, their hands shaking violently as they they fill up smaller containers with a liquid that looks like... Gas._

_Wait... Shit... I've seen this before... In another dream... No! Not another nightmare! Anything but this! Anything else but this! I can't watch this happen again, I can't, I can't, I can't. Wake up, Eren!_

_No matter how hard I try... I can't wake up. I look around and my eyes land on a girl with black hair tied into pigtails. Shit. She's the one that's going to die. She's the one I'm going to be forced to watch._

_Mina Carolina._

_I feel tears start to drip down my cheeks. I don't care because no one can see me. Its my dream and its like I'm a ghost, spectating all of these people who will all die gruesome deaths with me watching, and I can do nothing to save them. Shit... This is going to be a long night..._

***

It's been three fucking long days and I've spent every moment of it either on the couch, the toilet or in the kitchen eating. I haven't talked to any one in that time either and I've been ignoring Armin's calls. What a mess I am. I haven't even showered.

Its all because of those fucking dreams I've been having... And I'm so confused... I've seen Mina Carolina, Nack Tius, Thomas Wagner, and Milieus Zeramuski die not only in my dreams but on the news too. I'm so freaked out, just last night I saw Milieus die and today I just watched the news and the story was on Milieus and how he died. I just thought it was a crazy fucking coincidence at first but... Then I saw all the other news stories about the the same people who died in my dreams. They're all dead too. I don't know how to coup with all this so I've decided to not think about it at all.

I'm blocking myself off from reality, blocking myself off from the world. This is the only way I can calm myself.

Although, the world just fucking hates me so thats why all of a sudden I'm hearing my doorbell go off like its a fucking alarm clock. I let out a groan and stagger up from the couch, stumbling to the front door and opening it up. Quite honestly, I was not expecting to see fucking Jean Kirstein of all people standing in front of me. 

Jean smirks at me and of course the first thing he says is,"Hey, Yeager." Fuck. Is it just me or is he really fucking hot when he's smirking. Although, regardless of how hot he is, I make a move to slam the door in his face but he jumps inside my house without evening asking first.

"Get the fuck out, Kirstein!" I yell at him, he only gives me a confused look.

"I'm guessing someone woke up on the wrong side of the bed. Jesus, Eren, you look like a mess. And you smell like shit... Go take a bath, asshole." I blink at Jean's words, my face going red for some unknown reason. Since when did we become so fucking close?

"Get. The fuck. Out!" I yell again, he only smirks at me.

"No. Armin sent me to make sure you didn't try to kill yourself again and I gladly accepted since I would be with you. I'm starting to regret that decision." I'm fucking blushing now. Why would he say shit like that?! Fuck my life... This gunna be a long day filled with the one, the only, fucking Jean Kirstien.


	4. My Boyfriend To Be...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jean ends up keeping Eren company 24-7, literally. Jean sleeps over at Eren's house and spends all day there. Eren is warming up to Jean and realizes he may or may not be developing a crush for the horse faced teen.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am legit so bad at summarizing stuff and yeah im really lazy with updates. I know this is like two months late I'm sorry for the wait, hopefully I'll get better. Also there may be some smut in the next chapter... maybe. maybe... if this chapters gets good reviews... Anyways leave comments if you want, question anything cause im not the best at explaining and yeah. Hope you enjoyed reading! Bye~ (im trying to make this a slow build but im just soo giddy i apologize) oh my god im an idiot i accidently posted the chapter i will inform you all when I have sorted out the problem. Okay I have finished the chapter

_Why the fuck is he still here? ___

Thats the same question I've been repeating in my mind for the past seventy-two hours. Why the fuck won't Jean leave my house?!

Don't get me wrong, I'm actually starting to enjoy his company, sorta, I just can't stand that he's literally at my side 24-7. Yes, it fucking includes the bathroom too. No, I'm just kidding about the last thing I said, that would be beyond "creepy". But it still doesn't change the fact that he's pissing me off. He thinks he can just waltz on into the Yeager household, that currently only holds one Yeager, and steal all the food, the electricity and the water my family has to pay for!

Although I don't really care for my family. I only truly care about Levi and Mikasa, thats all. So I only care for 50% of my family, not including me. Man I'm getting depressed thinking about this...

But the point is, Jean is being an idiot! Like, when did he and I become best friends?

"Oi, Yeager. Stop staring so close to the screen, you'll wreck your eyes." Jean smacked my head lightly from where he was seated beside me on the crappy old sofa. I send him a glare I hope looks murderous.

"Fuck off." I retort, bringing my phone closer to my face just to annoy him. I grin smugly when I see his left eyebrow twitch.

"Don't get cocky, Yeager. You're lucky I'm here or you might've gone blind by now." I scowl at his words, I could honestly care less about the 'advice' he gives me.

"I thought I told you to fuck off?!" I yell in fusteration, elbowing him in the gut, I smirk triumphantly when he coughs and gags.

"Why you... I'll kill you!" Just as Jean is about to grab me, (probably by the neck) the doorbell rings throughout the house and I immediately hop off the couch to answer the door.

When I open the door, I'm not really surprised that I'm, all of sudden, being tackled down to the floor, a heavy weight on my chest and chestnut locks being thrown in my face.

"Shit! Hanji! You weigh a freaking ton! Get off!" I whined like a six year old, hearing the insane brunette cackle out laughs.

She stayed there, laughing for a good two minutes until a large hand reached for her coat collar and tugged on it until the crazy woman had to get off of me to regain her breath.

I sighed gratefully when Hanji was off, ignoring Jean as he approached from behind me, and took the other large hand that was extended outwards for me to take.

"Thanks, Erwin." I thanked the tall blonde that resembled Captain America a little bit too much.

"Always a pleasure, Mr. Yeager." Erwin teased me and gave me a little push which I scowled at.

"Shut the fuck up, Erwin. No one likes it when you get cocky!" I retort, my face slightly red because that was a big lie. Erwin was really hot when he gets cocky...

"Whatever you say, my angry little friend." Erwin chuckled at me, I huffed and turned away from him.

"If your sole intention was to come here and insult me, I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask you to leave now." I said in my best fake annoyed voice I could muster.

"C'mon, Eren! We have cake!" When Hanji said that, I immediately whipped my head around to look at the two people in front of me.

"Where the fuck is it?" I asked quickly and desperately. It had been far too long since I had a slice of that delicious heaven.

Erwin laughed warmly which seemily brightened my mood. "Petra is bringing it, don't worry. Anyway, Eren, who's the boy over there? Your lover, maybe?" Erwin asked all too innocently. He fucking thinks fucking Jean is my BF. Oh fuck no.

"HE IS NOT MY BOYFRIEND OH MY GOD!" I shrieked in a manly sort of way, not.

"Ohoho, who is he then, Eren?" Hanji asked while she waggled her eyebrows at me.

I hesitated before blurting out the worst possible thing I could. "He's my maid!"

.

..

...

Silence.

There was silence for three whole minutes before Jean spoke up.

"...I'm actually his 'to be' boyfriend." Jean said with confidence.

I couldn't stop myself from whipping around to face the bastard, my eyes and mouth wide open in shock.

I took a deep breath before forcing a tight smile on my face and asked in a tensed voice,"Um... What did you just say? I think I misheard you, Horse Face."

Jean then had the nerve to flash a toothy grin my way and he crossed his arms over his chest. "You heard me, Yeager. I plan on making you mine."

Both Hanji and Erwin behind me weren't making a sound so I guessed they were just as shocked as I was, and believe me, I was beyond shocked. I couldn't seem to close my god damn mouth and could feel my left eye start to twitch uncontrollably.

And it didn't help that Jean was smirking at me like some hot shot.

Fuck... Its too early to be dealing with this...

"Uh, I think not, Horse Face! You're nothing but a cleaning lady to me." I said with a scowl, putting my right hand on my right hip, already feeling anger bubbling inside me.

Who is he to say that I'll be his future boyfriend?! If he thinks that's going to happen, he'll have to think again, or get a new fucking brain because its obvious all of his brain cells are dead in his current one.

"Dude, I'm obviously a guy. I have a dick in these jeans, y'know. You wanna check?" Jean asked, no, more like told me to check that he had a fucking dick.

I felt my face grow hotter as more embarrassment made its way into my bones. Thats it. I had enough. This guy thats been living at my house for three days and a half has successfully broken me. He's flirted with me, helped me with chores, has made me food, and has taken care of me all of this time because he fucking likes me. Why did I not see this sooner?! Its so fucking obvious! I just thought he liked acting as a butler!

God, if you are listening, please, just let me get through this one afternoon.

***

I sighed softly as I scooped another spoonful of the rich, fluffy cake into my mouth, although, if didn't taste like heaven to me. It tasted more like guilt and shame. This always happens whenever I try to eat something when I feel bad.

After Jean had admitted to liking me, I had kicked him out of my house. Its not like I was _that_ mad at him. I just can't handle things like that.

I had promised myself a while ago that I wouldn't ever have a girlfriend or boyfriend, just for the simple fact that I'm really fucked up and that I won't be able to make them happy. They may think I'm okay when they first meet me, but as they get to know me, they'll only find that I bring hurt to everyone I love and care for. So I have sworn to myself that I won't ever get a partner, never. And nothing can convince me otherwise.

"Eren... You should give the guy a chance."

... Okay nothing except Petra.

I sighed again as I set aside my half eaten cake on the small coffee table beside me. I figured I'll finish it later when I feel less shitty.

"Petra, I'm not in the mood." I said softly to the strawberry blond sitting beside me who was currently drinking tea while sending me worried glances every now and then.

"You didn't have to be so harsh towards him Eren... The poor boy had the guts to tell you how he felt about you, and you just turned him down by punching him and kicking him out..." Petra said ruefully.

"Well, if he really did like me, he would be fighting tooth and nail to get me to be his, so whatever I say or do to him shouldn't matter! This is me, so if he wants my heart, he's going to have to get the full package!" I snapped at her, instantly regretting the action because I heard my beloved friend start to sniff a bit. I know she hates it when she upsets me, and me snapping at her just proves she had done exactly what she didn't want to do. 

I sighed, running a hand through my shaggy hair before scooching over closer to the petite woman and wrapped my arms around her, which she accepted without hesitation.

She was just looking out for me in the end. She wasn't doing anything wrong. But, as I've said, I always end up hurting people I care and love. So, what it all comes down to, is if they are willing to get hurt just to be around me and in my life, or they pack their bags and never see me again. People usually choose the latter of the two, for obvious reasons.

I mean, look at me; I'm a mess. I have ugly scars running down my body, I have two different coloured eyes that get me bullied at school, my parents hate me, I have anger issues and I have freaky nightmares about giant people that eat humans for fun. Who would really want to put in the effort by dealing with all that shit just to have me in their lives? Absolutely fucking no one. Thats who.

Although... That could be a lie... I mean, I have Petra, the most cheerful person I have ever met. I have Armin, the intelligent one who always keeps me on track. I have Erwin, the planner and teaser. Then there's Hanji, the one person that can put a smile on my face no matter what mood I'm in. Mikasa and Levi are the best siblings that support me and help me out through tough times. And... Then there's Jean... I honestly don't know why I'm putting him on my list of important people... I had punched him earlier... I called him a faggot... Then I yelled at him and told him to get out of my house... Yet, for some reason... He smiled at me, almost knowingly, and left without a word, even though he would usually fight back with me... 

I just don't understand, I'm so confused with all this. I mean, say I was going to give him a shot at being my boyfriend. He would have to constantly comfort me and hold me and it would always be just _me, me, me, me, me_ because I'm a needy person. I have a fucked up life so if he wants to have me, he's going to have to be willing to put up with all of my shit and prepare to be hurt multiple times, over and over again. He will cry and scream and hurt all over just because he's at my side, but in the end, it'll be his decision. He'll get to decide his fate. And when that time comes, I'll be ready for him to tell me his answer.

Because... Maybe its time for me to try something new... This could be a test, to see if God is truly on my side and wants me succeed in life. So, for once, I'm going to let someone into my life willingly. And he is my boyfriend "to be".


	5. Fuck Taking It Slow...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Eren decides to give Jean one chance and one chance only.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okayyyy so there'll be a small bit of smut in this chapter. Also sorry it's really late... Like really..

_Ring..._

_...Ring..._

_...Ring..._

_... Click._

"...Hello? Who is this?" I took a deep breath once I heard the voice from the other line speak. It had taken me over two hours to will up the courage to call Jean and even now I'm a nervous mess.

"...It's Eren." I said bluntly, forgetting the whole speech I had planned for hours in just under three seconds because of this man. Crap... Why does he make me feel this way?

"...Eren?" Jean asked from the other line, obviously surprised.

I sighed irritably at his stupidity, snapping,"No! Its fucking Barney! Of course its me dipshit! I just said it was me after all!" Fuck... I fucked that conversation up really quickly...

I was preparing for Jean to hang up on me when the said man just started laughing. Um... Am I missing something? What was so damn funny about this situation?!

"Aren't you charming as ever, Yeager." Jean said casually, as if it were true. This fucking guy will be the end of me.

"Shut the fuck up Horseface and listen up." I snapped, not hearing another sound come from him so I continued.

"I... I've been thinking some stuff over... A-and... I'm considering your little... Offer..." I started until Jean interrupted me.

"What offer?"He asked, sounding really confused. Dipshit.

"Where you said I would be your boyfriend or something like that!" I yelled, already regretting my decision of calling him.

"Oh, that really wasn't an offer, its actually going to happen." Jean sounded so confident in himself that I really wanted to burst his bubble, but I realized, he was right. I was willing to let him be my 'boyfriend'.

"...I'm going to let you be my 'boyfriend' for a while... But you only get one chance! One chance Kirstein! If you ruin it, we're over." I said slowly, as though I were talking to a five year old.

"Of course!" Jean sounded really happy, probably a little too happy for my liking.

"Just don't blow it, Horseface." I muttered and then hung up on him, running a hand over my tired face.

"What did I get myself into? Honestly... I'm my own worst enemy..." I groaned, enjoying the silence until my phone started vibrating in my pocket. I reluctantly pulled my phone out and read the text Jean had sent me.

_Jean: Coming over in five... BABE._

...Did he just call me babe? _BABE?!?!_ Oh hell no, that's not happening.

I quickly type in my reply, furious that Jean would just invite himself over and that he had just called me 'babe'.

_Eren: ...U did not just fucking call me babe u fucking Horseface! Don't come over and don't call me or text me, I'll be out all day today and tomorrow!_

Once satisfied with my text I sent it to him and went upstairs to take a well deserved shower. I stripped from my pajamas and turned on the shower. Once the temperature of the water was at my liking I stepped under the hot spray, sighing softly as I felt the water wash away all the dirt in my body.

I guess I somehow lost track of time because the next thing I knew, someone was walking into the bathroom I was in and I immediately knew who it was. I didn't even need to look around the bathroom curtain to know who had disturbed my peace.

"Get the fuck out, Jean! How did you even get in my house?!" I yelled, turning off the water and stepping out of the shower, not caring that I was completely naked in front of Jean.

Jean must've thought differently than me because he was staring at my crotch and was blushing. I just rolled my eyes and retorted,"My eyes are up here, dipshit."

This just made his face go even redder and I had to suppress a smile from creeping up on my face.

"S-sorry! Um... Y-you keep a key underneath your mat so I got in with that..." Jean mumbled softly.

"Mikasa put that under there because she knows I'll lock myself out of the house one day and she wants to be prepared for when that day comes." I explained casually, grabbing a towel to dry off.

We both went into a comfortable silence until Jean decided to speak up.

"...I really want to touch you..." The bastard admits shamelessly, looking at my crotch again."

This time it's my turn to blush and I feel my cock reacting under Jean's stare.

"I-I barely know you... And we legit just started going out like half an hour ago..." I mumble pathetically, cursing how dumb I sound.

"I know that! You just look really hot..." Jean says more to himself if anything, and then he licks his lips so seductively that I just can't, I can't help but start to get erect.

In vain, I turn around to hide my erection but Jean just chuckles lowly at me, forcing me to look back around at him. He stands up and starts walking slowly towards me, eyeing my ass.

"What is this?! A porno?!" That's all I could think of saying as Jean walked closer towards me and turned me around, pushing me up against the bathroom wall and a low moan escaped my lips.

"You're so fucking hot..." Jean said and he ran his hands all over my sides and my chest, then finally he let his hand stroke my leaking cock.

"Ngh... N-no... Stop..." I moaned desperately as his hand wrapped around my dick. "Seriously... Stop..." I begged, surprised Jean actually obeyed.

"Are you alright? Is this okay?" Jean asked softly, actually looking worried about my well-being.

"Y-yeah... Just... I'm a virgin... And... I wanted to take it slow..." I mumble, looking at the floor, embarrassed.

I looked up when I heard Jean start to laugh and then he kissed one of my scarred wrists and then he kissed me, slowly and softly, no tongue, just soft lips against lips, an innocent kiss. I closed my eyes once the shock left my body and I kissed Jean back, enjoying the nice feeling. It was then that I realized that this is the feeling I've craved for my whole life. To be wanted and to want back. It felt so nice and peaceful and I just wanted more.

I wrapped my arms around Jean's neck and pulled him closer to me until his clothed erection was against mine. I deepened the kissed and opened my mouth, letting his warm tongue invade my mouth. I had no clue what I was doing but somehow... It just felt right. It felt natural, doing this with Jean.

Jean hesitated before he rolled his hips against mine, and when he did, I eagerly started rolling my hips against his too. It was only a matter of minutes before we both were moaning, sweaty messes and We only paused briefly so Jean could take off his tight jeans and his boxers, and then we were right back at it.

After a few moments of rutting against each other, we both needed more friction so Jean grabbed both of our cocks with his hand and rubbed them together, toying and tweaking them.

He kept doing this until I felt warmth pool in my stomach and I knew I was going to come soon. I clamped my lips onto Jean's and a few seconds later, I was coming all over our stomachs' and Jean's hand, not long after, Jean came as well.

It may not have been the most romantic thing in the world, standing together with our come on each other, but... I think I could get used to this... Get used to Jean... I think I could possibly end up liking how things came to be...

"You look really dumb when you're about to come, Yeager."

Or not.


	6. Status Update...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> We check in on Marco and Armin. Marco is a worry wart. In Armin's POV!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wanna get better at updating...  
> That's basically all. Also I'm probably going to make the chapters a little shorter than what they usually are. ~Hope you enjoy!

"How did this this happen exactly?" Marco asked me, just as confused as I was on this whole topic.

I shrug, too comfy to move anything else from my spot on the couch, watching my ridiculous boyfriend pace back and forth in front of our tv.

"I just don't understand how it could've happened so fast!" Marco complained to me, in which I just shrugged again.

"I don't know either but it could be good for them. Being together. You always told me that Jean has never been too serious until Eren. And Eren needs someone to keep his life enjoyful and fun. They're pretty good together when you think about it." I mumble absentmindedly.

Marco just looks at me like I'm insane. "Theyre both hotheaded, competitive, pranksters who will end up hurting each other, Arm! I know it will end badly! And what if Jean breaks up with Eren?! Eren is suicidal! What if he actually kills himself?!"

"Eren's strong and he'll be able to handle it, and if he can't, then I'll be there for him every second of everyday until he's better." I say casually, yawning as I snuggle deeper down into my blanket.

"How can you be this calm when you and I both know this'll end with shit?!" Marco cursed and I snickered when he blushed. He always hated cussing, but he uses it from time to time when he's really mad about something.

"C'mon, Marco. Lighten up. I know they won't last forever but... I like seeing them both happy... Especially Eren... He hasn't cut in a week! That's a new record!"

"That's just because his family isn't back from vacation! I bet he'll cut as soon as his family comes back! Jean won't make a difference in his life, Arm... Jean is a playboy and he literally just sleeps with someone for a few months and then he's gone. That's what happened with him and me... But we still remained friends after... Eren won't be any different. No one will make Jean fall in love. Ever."

I sigh and switch my position, grunting in pain when my phone digs into my side, taking it out of my pocket and tossing it face down beside me.

"Look Marco, I know Eren and Jean won't last forever, but we should let them enjoy the time they have. Let them be happy and worry about break-ups later."

"...Glad you believe in my relationship, thanks Armin. You're a good best friend." I froze when I heard those venomous and sarcastic words coming from my phone, my eyes widening. Shit. I accidentally called Eren.

Quickly picking up my phone, I replied,"Eren! It didn't mean anything! I-I meant to say... That... That you..."

"Save it Armin. I'm glad you believe I'm capable of maintaining a relationship." I felt tears start to well in my eyes when my best friend said that, listening to him hang up and the line go dead.

"...What did I just do?"

Marco sat down beside me and sighed before saying softly,"I told you this'll all go down in shit..."


	7. Dates...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Eren is bummed out after hearing what Armin thought of his relationship so Jean tries to cheer him up.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I dunno what to say. ~Hope you enjoy!

I growled as I felt a finger poke my cheek for the millionth time, finally slapping it away.

"Fuck off Jean! You aren't helping!"

"I just want you to talk, babe." Jean said, his voice holding a bit of a worried tone in it.

"I am talking." I snapped back at him, instantly regretting it once I saw my crushed boyfriend's face.

"I just want to cheer you up some, Eren... No need to snap at me." Jean sighed but gently cupped my cheek with his hand. I leaned into his touch, sighing softly as he stroked my cheek tenderly.

"I know... Sorry... I'm just mad and stressed out about what Armin said..." I started.

"Fuck that, he doesn't know anything. Sure, we may not last forever--"

"Like that makes me feel any better, Jean..."

"--But who knows? No one can predict the future. We'll know once we get there what we want and if we break up, at least we'll have memories of the fun times we shared."

"Say we last for a year and then we break up. I probably wouldn't leave my room ever again because it would be that much harder to let you go... I think we should just not date..." I pondered the thought and when Jean didn't say anything, I turned to look at him, my lips instantly meeting his.

Jean was kissing me... He's such a sap... But he's my sap... Wait, shit, am I the sap?!

Jean finally broke the kiss after a while to say,"We are fucking dating. Like hell are you gunna change that because you're scared..." Then he put his lips back on mine and kissed me passionately, no tongue, just hot breath and hot lips.

Jean pulled away again, a small lopsided grin on his face.

"We should go out today." He suggested.

I frowned as I asked,"Like, go on a date?"

"Yeah, like on a date or whatever."

"Alright, it's a date."

***

When Jean said he wanted to go on a date, this was not what I had in mind, although, I can't say I'm complaining.

"I-I know you love the beach so I thought this would be a good place to go..." Jean stuttered awkwardly, a faint blush on his cheeks as he scratched the back of his head nervously.

"Oh my god..." Was all I could say as I looked out to the golden sand, the clear blue sky, and then the ocean, which took my breath away. I love the beach but I only got to come here once before with my mom, before she started hating me.

"Thank you Jean, it's so pretty..." I said as I looked up at him with a smile on my face.

"No problem, babe. Now..." He started as he took off his t-shirt,"Let's swim."

I bit my bottom lip at that.

"U-Umm... You go ahead I'll watch..." I said as happy as I could. I was wearing short shorts that I borrowed from Mikasa because I look pretty good in girls clothing and a simple long shirt sweater to cover my arms.

Jean leaned in to kiss my forehead softly and mumbled against my head,"No one will see your arms... Just come and have fun with me, okay?"

"I hesitated before nodding timidly, letting Jean takes off my shirt and lead me to the water.

"You have such a nice body." Jean commented as he looked me over, one of his hands cupping my neck.

I blushed and looked away, quietly mumbling,"You're not too shabby yourself..."

Jean grinned and then, suddenly, picked me up bridal style and carried me into the water with him, the water cold on my back

"Jean! It's fucking freezing!" I squealed and he just laughed at me as he dropped me into the cold water.

After that Jean and I had an all out water splashing battle, and it was nearly dark when we were finishing up.

Jean said we should just sleep in his truck in the parking lot, the bastard had actually brought pillows and blankets for us. Although, I agreed because I was dead tired and we laid in the back of the truck, cuddling up to each other for warmth.

"Thanks, Jean... I had a lot of fun today..." I whispered softly to him, my face pressed against his chest.

"It was my pleasure." He replied, kissing the top of my head.

"Good night, Jean." I giggled.

"Good night, Eren. Don't let the bed bugs bite.


	8. Family Sucks...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Eren's family comes back from vacation and Eren is a little more than upset. Grisha's also a bitch but when is he not?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Uhhh don't mind me, just playing pokemon black while trying to update... Yeah, don't mind me... ~Hope you enjoy!
> 
> P.S: Does anyone else love gingerbread chai as much as I do? And has anyone sprained or twisted their ankle before? It is not fun, I recommend not doing that.

They're back. Fuck my life.

Jean had helped me clean up the entire house to make sure my parents wouldn't get mad at me, thank god. I was just finishing fluffing pillows when I heard the car park in the driveway.

I quickly rushed to the front door, putting on the best smile I could muster as the door opened, and it took all of my will power to keep the smile on my face once I saw who walked in first.

"What the hell are you smiling about?" My father snapped at me, throwing his suitcase in my direction.

I was prepared for him to throw his suitcase, I really was. However I was not prepared for how freaking heavy the suitcase was. Did he pack twenty fucking bowling balls in there?!

The suitcase hit me right in the gut, causing me to fall down to my knees, the wind completely knocked out of me.

"F-Fuck..." I wheezed out, gasping for air. I looked up when I heard someone else walk in, which was my mom. She looked a little worried, but not to the point that she would come to my side.

Instead, she asked,"Are you alright, Eren?"

I looked back at the ground, swallowing thickly as I timidly nodded my head, slowly getting up on my feet.

I frowned when Levi and Mikasa did not walk through the door, looking at my mom with a questioning look.

"They're at Hanji's with Erwin, Mike and Petra." My mom explained.

"Yeah, and they didn't bother inviting you because they didn't want you around." My dad sneered, going upstairs presumably to his study. 

I knew my dad was saying bullshit, but I couldn't help but feel a twinge of pain in my heart. Those people, Mikasa, Erwin, Levi, Hanji and Petra, were like my true family, and to hear that they don't want me around just hurt me a lot, even if I knew it wasn't true... Or maybe it was... I dunno...

"I-I'll go make some tea..." I said to my mom quickly before started to head into the kitchen, my mom's voice made me stop though.

"Eren..."

"Y-Yeah..?"

"Um... Nothing. Just, thanks for making tea. I need it." I frowned at my mom's words but shrugged and walked to the kitchen, making my parent's favourite tea, gingerbread chai.

I handed a cup to my mom and then went upstairs to my father's study to give him his cup because my mom forced me to, I knocked lightly on the locked door.

As I waited, I couldn't help but realize I had never seen the inside of my father's study, none of my family members or friends have either for that fact.

I jumped a bit when the door unlocked and dropped the tea all over the carpet and... My dad's socks... I quickly got to my knees in vain to try to clean up the wet mess but then I heard my dad's emotionless voice.

"...You dirty brat." And then I knew it was over. God, please help me.

Suddenly, I was seeing stars and my nose was leaking blood all over the carpet. I looked up just in time to have my father kick me right in the face once, then twice, the three times... Until.. I lost count. All I could see was red and feel pain. My father moved from kicking my face to kicking down my body, kicking my ribs and my stomach, punching my neck as hard as he could until I couldn't breathe.

Then, after fifteen minutes of pure agonizing torture, he stopped.

"You need to smarten up. You need to just not exist at all. So stay out of my family's life. Make it seem like you're not even there. So stay quiet and shut yourself off from everyone. Got it, _brat_?" Was what my dad said before he kicked me down the staircase.

My eyes widened as I started stumbling down, rolling on my back and then smacking my head as I continued my descent. Until I reached the bottom but I came to an abrupt stop and twisted my ankle so hard that I cried out in pain, tears blurring my vision.

I shakily wiped my tears away, trying to get my eyes to focus, and once they had, I regretted it. I was covered in my own blood, my clothes torn in some places and bruises blooming where the clothes weren't covering. I looked down at my throbbing ankle and it was already starting to swell. I had twisted it. And it fucking hurt like a bitch.

I couldn't stay here any longer. I couldn't. I forced myself to get up and I grabbed my cell phone from the cabinet near the front door and speed-dialled the only person that came to mind.

"Hello?" The person answered almost immediately.

"...Jean... H-help... Please..." I choked out.

"Where are you?!"

"A-at my house..."

"I'll be ther in two, hang on." 

And with that, he hung up. I dragged myself onto the front lawn and waited. And waited. Until I passed out.

***

"--going to pay for this! I can't believe he did this to Eren! I'll kill him once I get my hands in him!" I started waking up, and heard... Mikasa's voice?

I slowly blinked my eyes open and looked around at my surroundings. I was at Hanji's house.

There were people around me too. Mikasa, Erwin, Petra, Levi, Hanji, Jean and Armin...

Wait... What's happening? I looked down and saw I was lying in Hanji's guest room bed, my body bandaged up and my foot in a tenser that was levitated by the millions of pillows placed underneath it.

"H-Hi Eren..." I looked at Armin when he said that.

"..." I didn't say anything, not trusting my voice.

"How are you felling, brat?" My eyes widened when Levi called me 'brat', instantly remembering what happened. I started hearing someone scream, just then, and to my horror, I realized that it was me.

Jean rushed to my side and started to gently stroke my cheeks to calm me down but I couldn't stop screaming, or trembling, or crying. I was really scared. I've always been afraid of my father but he had never gone that far before. He gave me an occasional slap or kick but... Not that far before...

"Don't call him that, Levi!" Mikasa snapped at her brother.

When I looked back at Levi, he looked worried and regretful of what he said to me. I eventually started to calm down. Only when I stopped screaming was when I looked up at Jean.

"...How's your ankle?" Jean asked me softly.

"N-not the best..." I forced out, coughing a bit.

Jean nodded and asked me another question,"Do you wanna... Cuddle for a bit?" I hesitated before nodding.

I watched as Jean told everyone to leave the room and one by one they forced themselves to leave until Mikasa closed the door lastly and left Jean and I alone together.

Jean carefully slid next to me in the queen sized bed, careful not to nudge me in anyway. I smiled.

"Y'know, it's not really cuddling if there's no contact." I cheekily said.

"I know... I just... Don't want to hurt you..." He said softly, turning so he was on his side, facing me.

"...Family sucks." I finally said after a few moments of silence.

Jean just shrugged and said,"Depends what your definition of 'family' is. Because to me, your family isn't your mom or dad. It's Mikasa, Levi, Armin, all your friends and... Me. And I think we make a wonderful family."

I couldn't help but smile a bit at that.

Family, huh. There actually isn't just one definition then.


	9. Another World...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Eren tries to get better by sleeping a lot. He hasn't gotten nightmares for a while but they return and yet again. Eren realizes that everything might not just be a coincidence after all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Getting closer and closer to shit... Get ready! This fic will really take a twisted turn. Hope you enjoy! Bye~

"Are you sure you don't want anything to eat?" Jean asked me for the millionth time as he tucked me back into Hanji's guest bed.

It had been two days since I was beaten by my father and I hadn't left bed at all except for going to the washroom with help from someone. Hanji also refused to have me go to someone else's house because she wanted to treat me herself and wanted to make sure I was getting 'proper treatment'.

"I'm fine Jean, really. I just need to rest is all." I assured my worried boyfriend, flashing him a smile.

"Okay... Call if you need anything."

"Will do." And with that, Jean kissed my forehead and left the room, closing the door behind him.

I sighed softly and closed my eyes. I really need some sleep...

***

_"--rco! Marco! Have you see him?!"_

_W-What's happening?! Where am I?!_

_I quickly look around and then it comes to me, I'm having another nightmare. No... God no!_

_"H-he hasn't checked in since the hole was sealed and he isn't on the casualties list..."_

_"Then where the hell is he?!" Wait... I recognized that voice... I looked around at my surroundings and it looked like I was in a kitchen of some sort, cobblestone walls and stone flooring all around me. I spotted a wooden door and walked right through it, as if I were a ghost._

_When I got to the other side of the door, I entered a mess hall, two long, wooden tables in the centre of the dimly lit room. There were only a few people sitting around but they were staring at something. I turned to where the were all looking, in the very far right corner of the room where two men were. I gasped when I saw them._

_"So he just upped and vanished into thin air?! We have to find him!" Jean yelled at the petite blond boy in front of him._

_I instantly knew who the blond was and I couldn't help but start to cry. Why was Armin and Jean in my nightmare? And... They're talking about Marco? He's here too?_

_Suddenly, a man sitting alone at one of the large tables rose, a man I didn't notice before._

_"Listen, brats. Your friend is most likely dead. So get over it and get some sleep." ...That's not Levi... Is it? He surely looked like Levi and talked like him but... No, this is a dream Eren, snap out of it! None of this is real and none of this affects the real world._

" _He isn't fucking dead, Corporal!" Jean yelled at Levi, in which, Levi responded with his usual murderous glare. That immediately made Jean flinch but he managed to hold his ground._

_"Sir..." Armin spoke up,"...With all due respect, we aren't going to conclude whether our friend is alive or dead until we see it with our own eyes."_

_This must be why Levi likes Armin so much, not only in my dreams but in real life as well. Armin always knows exactly what to say in order to calm everyone down. That much was obvious as I watched Levi stop glaring at Jean and look softly at Armin._

_"Look, I'm sorry about your missing friend, but we all have jobs to do right now so there's no time to mourn. It's been two days and all the bodies are still not completely cleared out of Trost! An epidemic could start any day, then humanity would have another problem on its plate. Right now, we need to focus on the needs of humanity and worry about friends later." Wow, since when did Levi start making speeches?_

_"Sir... He's my boyfriend..." Armin forced out before continuing,"..I need to know if he's alright..."_

"You're not the only one that lost people you love today, Cadet." Levi said softly. "You need to put aside personal feelings and deal with the task at hand right now. After that, you can try to find him."

_"...You expect us to collect bodies while we have a missing friend..? You really are heartless, Levi." Jean sneered. "You keep saying our main priority is collecting the bodies of the dead but it's not! My main priority is finding my best friend!"_

_I watched Levi shake his head sadly._

_"Brat's now-a-days are really selfish, aren't they." Levi asked more to himself if anything. "I've seen soldiers lose their whole family right in front of their eyes, yet, they still do all the dirty jobs they're supposed to do. Are they happy? Not one bit. But they make an effort to put humanities needs before their wants."_

_"...Well, my situation is different from those soldiers." Jean retorted._

_"Oh? How so, Cadet? Please, enlighten us." Levi gestured to everyone in the room who's eyes were still of the trio._

_"At least those soldiers know the person they lost is dead! It's the 'not knowing' that's driving me completely insane! Marco could've been eaten! He could be sitting in a dank alleyway in his own blood! He could be locked out on the other side of the walls with no gas! There's so many 'he could be' possibilities, but not a for sure answer. That's why my situation is different from all the other soldiers', Corporal."_

_Levi's angered face was the last thing I saw as my vision blurred and everything turned white until I was suddenly standing in a village of some kind. I looked around and I instantly regretted doing so because all I found was blood and bodies, littering the abandoned village's streets._

_All of a sudden, I felt an urge, as if I were being drawn to something. I walked without thinking until I found what I was apparently looking for._

_It was two corpses holding hands. One corpse was a male with only a torso and a head while the other was female and had a sword stabbed through her heart, her available hand still holding the handle._

_I shook my head in horror as their names filled my mind._

_Hannah... Franz... HANNAH.... FRANZ... HANNAH... FRANZ_

_The voices got louder and louder until I only saw black._

***

I woke up screaming, screaming until Mikasa, Armin and Jean all burst into my room.

I only stopped screaming when I saw their horrified faces.

"Eren, what's wrong?!" Jean asked me urgently as he took my hands in his.

I looked around at Mikasa and Armin's equally worried faces.

"I-I... I need to tell you all something..."


	10. Confession...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Eren talks to Armin, Mikasa and Jean about his nightmares and what's happening. Shit starts to go down... Slightly angsty??

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wehhhh I don't wanna go back to school on Monday.... Wish me luck... ~hope you enjoy! Bye!
> 
> Ps: this was a really long chapter whoops...

"I-I... I need to tell you all something..." I said as I looked up at the three surrounding my bed.

"You can tell us anything, Eren." Mikasa said gently to me, sitting down on a spot on the floor as Armin closed the door before taking a seat. Jean hesitated before sitting down, holding my hand tightly.

I took a deep, shaky breath as I thought of a way to start my confession, coming out unsuccessful.

In the end, I decided just to wing it.

"...I-I've... Been getting a lot of nightmares lately... Really bad nightmares as well... I don't exactly know what it's really about but from what I know, there's these giant naked people, ranging from 4 metres to 15 metres tall. A-and they eat people, not because they have to but because they want to..."

"Naked people..?" Jean asked.

"They don't have any specific sex organs, y'know! So stay quiet until I'm done! It took me a long time to will up enough courage to tell you guys this!" I raged.

"Okay, okay, geez. Sorry."

I sighed again and continued.

"So, yeah... They're giant people that eat people for fun. It sounds okay when you say it like that but its complete horror. When my nightmares started happening, it was like I was teleported into my dreams or something but no one can see or hear me and I can't interact with the objects there. I can only watch. Also, there are these... Soldiers, I guess that fight the titans with this weird grappling hook devices with swords on it which they use to fly around and kill the titans. But then, it will seem like I'm being urged to watch someone, because my eyes will always land on a certain soldier while I'm having my nightmare. I watch them goof off with friends and live life, then something will go wrong and I'll have to witness the soldier dying. I'll have to watch them being pulled apart, limb by limb, by a titan... Or commit suicide by sticking a gun in their mouth and pulling the trigger... O-or..." My voice broke.

"Eren." I looked up at Armin at the foot of my bed with he called my name. "You're crying."

I frowned and wiped my eyes, realizing I actually was crying.

"S-shit..." I muttered when my tears didn't stop.

"Eren...." Jean said softly as he pulled me close to him for a hug. "Why didn't you tell us sooner?"

"I-I didn't want to bother you guys... With s-stupid nightmares I was having..."

"Bullshit." Mikasa spoke up finally. "You need to tell me or someone when things like this start happening, Eren, really. We worry about you a lot and we notice when something's wrong."

"I-I know... I'm sorry..." I mumbled loud enough for everyone to hear against Jean's shoulder, my tears starting to dry.

"Is there anything else you aren't telling us?" I looked up at Armin when he asked.

I gulped when I realized I hadn't told them the scariest part.

"...The people that die in my dreams die in real life."

...

Silence. Absolute silence. You could hear a pin drop.

No one spoke for two minutes until Jean cleared his throat.

"What do you mean, Eren?"

I turned to Jean, furious. "What the fuck do you mean 'what do you mean'?! The people that die in my dreams also die in real fucking life! Have you not watched the news?! All the deaths that are happening all of a sudden?! Mina Carolina! She was the first person that died in my dreams! She had her head bitten off by a titan! The next day, on the news, her picture and story came up and apparently she choked and somehow died even though there were no finger marks around her neck and she didn't eat anything!"

"That could just be a coincidence, Eren." Mikasa said slowly.

"No it isn't, Mikasa! Don't you get it?! I already thought they were coincidences but how would I dream of a person that looks exactly the same in real life and had the same name if I had never even met them, huh?! Mina Carolina lived in Japan with her boyfriend! She worked at a crappy sushi restaurant! She wasn't famous or rich she was normal! And I somehow had a dream about her?" I cried as I started panicking.

"... I don't think it's a coincidence..." I heard Armin squeak. I looked up and he was on his phone. He looked up at all of us before continuing.

"Apparently there's an old legend from way back when time didn't even matter, but like, it's a curse of some sort. An only child in a family would be born with two different coloured eyes and the baby's father would resent the child, the mother having to do what the father said. As the child grew, they would be hurt and abused until they finally started getting nightmares of some sort, where the person in their dreams would die and then die in real life as well. Most of the children used it to their advantage, dreaming of their parents and then having them killed in their dreams. Some people say that it was even a gift from god, because god took pity on the poor cursed children so he gave them a second chance, kinda like redemption in a way. But, the children eventually committed suicide because they kept having dreams and seemed to have no hope of making them go away... Man, I love history class... And the internet..." Armin mumbled the last part.

I felt tears start to swell in my eyes again, my eyes insanely wide and staring in horror at Armin. Armin looked up finally and he gulped when he saw my face. No one else dared to speak.

"S-so... I'm gunna kill, not only my parents, not only innocent people, but also myself? Because I was 'gifted' from god?!" I grabbed at my hair and started crying again, not even feeling Jean wrapping his arms tightly around me or hearing Mikasa speak soothing words in my ear. To me, everything was cold and black at that moment in time, nothing had colour and everything was frightening. 

"No! E-Eren, that's probably not what it is! I'm just saying that it sorta sounds like that legend but of course that just a silly old legend that probably been changed a million times over the years so there's no need to panic..." Armin kept going on, spewing out useless words that were probably meant to comfort me. But nothing helped.

...Wouldn't it be better if I just die right now? Save everyone from getting hurt? I mean... Jean and Armin were in my dream, same with Levi. I don't want to get one of them killed... And Marco was missing in my dream...

"This is nonsense!" Jean yelled at Armin. "Stop filling his head with stories that will scare him!"

"...W-what if Armin is right?" I stuttered. "I need to kill myself now... Right now... Before I hurt you guys--"

Suddenly, a hand slapped across my face, leaving me with my head turned in the opposite direction and a red mark blooming on my cheek.

I shakily turned my head and saw Mikasa looking at me with hard eyes, her hand still raised.

"Stop talking shit, Eren. You're sixteen years old, you need to get a grip and stop acting like a drama queen. There's no such thing as a curse or legend like that, alright? So just fucking stop with this nonsense."

I blinked back tears and looked at Mikasa as angry as I could. "Jean, Armin and Levi were in my last nightmare that I just had, Mikasa. If one of them dies because of me I'll never forgive myself and I'm sure you'd hate me too, if your real brother or most precious friend died." I practically spat, letting the tears I had been trying to hold in run down my fce freely now.

"I've dreamed of ten people now, that have died in my dreams, that have been reported dead on the news. This has happened ten fucking times to me! On top of all my nightmares, my own father tried to beat me to death and pushed me down a set of stairs! And before that he tells me my adopted brother and sister didn't want me to come over to Hanji's because apparently you guys still wanted to stay away from me even though you were gone for over three week on a 'family vacation' which I wasn't allowed to go with you guys! Even though I'm the pure blooded Yeager child! So don't you fucking dare call me fucking dramatic for a second, Mikasa! I have a right to be, after all the shit I've gone through while you've had it easy!"

I saw Mikasa's left eye twitch and I knew I was going to hear shit.

"Listen here, you multi-coloured eyed freak." She hissed at me. "My parents were killed right in front of me but your father and you saved me and Levi. After that, I was in so much pain and agony but I kept myself together. Only after a few weeks I found out you fucking cut yourself because daddy doesn't give a shit about you!" She mocked and I just felt my eyes widening with each word she said. She had never said anything like this before, ever. Even when she was really mad at me.

"I just thought 'okay, I want to do everything in my will-power to make Eren happy because he saved me so I'll repay the favour and save him back'. I had to deal with all of your drama and all your shit and now that we're finally getting this all out, you only think about yourself! You never once asked how I was doing, never onced asked if I needed a shoulder to cry on which I offered to you on a daily basis! It was like you didn't even care about me!"

"Mikasa!" Armin snapped at her, standing up. He went up to her and grabbed her by the arm, dragging her out of my room and closing the door behind him.

But the only thing I could think about was what Mikasa said. Had she truly felt that way all this time? Did she really not want me around to cause so much drama? Did Levi feel the same?

"... Eren... Are you alright? You're crying again..." Jean said softly as he brushed my tears away gently. I only shook my head.

"...Please, just stop." I forced out, my voice cracking a bit. I just wanted to be left alone and rot. I really was a horrible person, it's true I never asked Mikasa if she was okay because she never seemed to want to talk about it or talk about anything for that matter. But now that she's saying it out loud, saying how she feels... It makes me feel like utter shit. Knowing I wasn't there for her when she needed me most.

"...She didn't mean that, I'm sure, Eren... I think she's just really stressed from the news and is confused--" I cut Jean off before he could finish.

"Jean! Just... Please... Stop..." I begged. I'm so done with all of this, honestly, I'm so pathetic. "I'm a horrible person, Mikasa has done nothing but stay by my side while I just think about myself and not worry about her problems. I'm just a shitty person altogether. In fact, I don't even know why you're still hanging around. I heard from Marco that you're a playboy and just fool around with someone for a bit and then you'll leave. Just like that. So if you're going to leave me, just go now, save yourself from getting wound up in this mess."

"Eren, I'm not--"

"Just fucking leave! Just leave and save me the heartache!" I screamed out, more tears falling down my face as I pushed Jean away from me, sobbing my heart out.

Jean hesitated before standing up and leaving the room, leaving me all alone on the cold bed. I managed a small, sad smile.

"Thank you..." I whispered to the door. "thank you for bringing me happiness for a while, Jean..."

With that, I shakily stepped out of bed, stumbling a bit as I walked into the bathroom connected to the room I was in and locked the door behind me, finding a few of Hanji's pills and drugs she keeps here in case a guest feels ill.

I shakily grabbed three orange bottles and ripped all the caps off, not even caring what type of pills they were, anything would work.

I took a deep breath and looked in the mirror, looking over myself one last time before I grabbed the first orange bottle and poured the pills into my mouth.


	11. I'll prove you wrong...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> If there's one thing Jean is good at, it's fighting. Especially if it's fighting for something he wants.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I dunno what to really say except I probably won't be updating as frequently as I did because school is back. Also sorry if this chapter offends anyone? I'm just kinda reading it over and I get worried. ~Hope you enjoy! Bye! 
> 
> Ps: Jean's POV is in here too.

I poured all of the pills from the first orange bottle on my mouth, turning on the sink and quickly drinking some water, forcing all of the pills to go down.

I grabbed the second bottle and repeated and finally I downed the last bottle.

When I was finished, I didn't know what to do, so I sat there and thought.

"I finally did it..." I mumbled to myself, smiling a bit. I was kinda happy, to be honest knowing that I would soon be in a better place.

Wait. I frowned.

I didn't even know if I would be going to Heaven or Hell! If those places even exist! I mean, I've technically killed people in my dreams, right?!

I felt my breathing pick up in pace the more I thought about it and started panicking. For the fifth time that day I started to cry, letting out wretched sobs.

I must have been pretty loud because I heard someone quickly run into my room and then run towards the bathroom, pounding on the door.

"Eren! Let me in!" Jean sounded frantic as he jiggled the doorknob and knocked loudly on the door, his blows causing the door to creak.

I wiped my eyes as I just stared at the door, sniffing.

"Eren! You better let me in before I kick down the door!"

"There's no point." I choked out. "I'm dead anyway."

"Let me in! What did you do to yourself, Eren!" Jean sounded desperate now and for a moment, his blows against the door ceased.

"Fine then. Stand away from the door, Eren."

My eyes widened a lot when Jean said that. He's going to kick down the door? Because of me?

"N-no, Jean, don't--" I started but it was too late. The door was kicked opened, a big crack and a few dents decorating the expensive wood. I just stared in shock, unable to move or process the situation, even when Jean rushed to me and wrapped his arms around my shoulders.

When I didn't say anything, he looked up and, boy do I regret that. He saw all the pill bottles thrown everywhere and he just stared at me in horror.

I looked away so I wouldn't have to see the expression in his face, but I regreted that too.

"No. No you didn't." Was all he said before he grabbed me and pulled me over to the toilet. He then grabbed my jaw and forced my mouth open as he shoved two fingers down my throat and quickly removed them as I threw up in the toilet. I felt more hot tears streaming down my face as I wretched up most of the pills.

Jean gently rubbed my back as I was hurling, gently speaking soft words to me.

"I'm sorry... I'm so sorry... But I'm not going to let you die... I'm sorry..."

I kept my head over the toilet, even once I was done and even when Jean flushed it. Finally, he pulled me into a hug and just held me. My face was pressed up agsinst his chest, so I could feel and hear his heartbeat. The sound just entranced me, as I lost thought of everything else around me and just listened.

I closed my eyes and allowed blackness to sweep me up, but just in that moment that I lost consciousness, Jean said something to me. The words never reached my ears though, as I passed out.

***

_Jean_

I just held him as close to me as possible, not wanting him to feel alone anymore.

Even when I saw he had passed out, I still didn't let the frail boy go.

We had only been dating for a little over two weeks, but even then, I wouldn't know what I would do if Eren died. He had become special to me in that short amount of time, even if he didn't know that.

I gently stroked Eren's hair back as I explained to his unconscious body. "I don't plan on breaking up with you. The reason I left the room was so you would be able to hopefully clear your mind of everything..." I let out a weak laugh. "A lot of good that did you."

I sighed as I thought things over and finally reached a conclusion.

I looked down at the boy and smiled fondly. "Eren, I'm gunna let you move in with me and I'll prove to you that I'm not just some play boy that will throw you away. I promise, I'll prove you and everyone else wrong."

After that, I cleaned Eren up and took off my hoody, putting it on the brunette as I quietly made my way out of Hanji's house and went out to my truck, putting Eren in the passenger's seat. Thank god Levi and everyone were at work, and I heard Armin and Mikasa in the kitchen so I'll text them later that I have Eren.

I buckled Eren's seatbelt and then got into the driver's seat, putting on my own belt before starting up the car and driving to my apartment.

I'll take good care of Eren and prove everyone wrong.

That's right, I'll make Eren fall in love with me, because I fear that I've already fallen for him. If not, I definitely will.

And I'll most definitely prove everyone wrong.


	12. Fuck Horseface, Literally...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Smut and stuff?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Basically just a smut chapter and whatevs. I also probably won't update soon because I have a lot of tests coming up and softball has basically taken over my life and free time but who knows. ~Hope you enjoy! Bye!

I groaned a bit as I sat up in Hanji's bed, licking my dry lips. I looked around and my eyes widened.

Holy hell, this was not Hanji's guest room.

I quickly looked down.

Shit, this wasn't Hanji's guest bed either.

I felt my cheeks heat up as I slowly started to realize where I was and quickly got out of the bed. But then I realized I was in nothing but my black boxers.

I almost started to panic when I thought of something very clever, my lips twisting into a small smirk despite everything I had just gone through.

I pulled my boxers down a little bit so they showed off a good portion of my hips before walking out of the room, finding Jean sitting on a recliner, watching tv.

I made sure he heard me come in, my bare feet padding over the cold floor towards him.

"Hey, babe. How are you feeling--" Jean cut off as he finally looked over at me, a light blush dusting his cheeks. I grinned a bit at him.

"I was just wondering where my clothes were." I said, putting my hands on my hips and jut one hip out to the side, waiting for Jean to react. "You wouldn't happen to know where they are, would you?" I teased.

"U-umm..." I almost started laughing when Jean's Adam's apple bobbed when he swallowed thickly.

I shrugged when he didn't give me an answer, going over to him. When I was close enough, I got on his lap so that my back was against his chest. I then grabbed his arms and wrapped them around me, shivering a bit.

"It's really cold." I said as I scooched my ass closer to him, successfully rubbing his crotch which was slightly hard.

"I-I can get you a blanket of you want..." He mumbled.

"Nah, this is nice." I replied happily, resting my head on Jean's shoulder. Thank god Jean was so tall, our heads were about level right now even with me on his lap so I could easily place my head on his chest or shoulders.

"E-Eren... Um..."

"What is it?" I asked teasingly.

"Y-your ass keeps rubbing against me so if you could not--"

"I'm doing this on purpose, obviously. I want to have some fun with you."

"Eren. Look at me, please."

Confused, I turned around on Jean's lap so our chests were pressed together.

Jean suddenly cupped my left cheek while his other arm wrapped around my back and pulled me closer to him.

"J-Jean?"

Jean kissed me as soon as his name left my lips, pulling me closer to deepen it. He closed his eyes and I quickly did the same.

After a few moments, Jean pulled away from our passionate kiss, and I whined a bit at the loss.

"I won't leave you, you know." Jean said suddenly, leaving me at a loss for words.

"U-Uhm..."

"You may think I'm going to leave you, but I promise I won't. You're a lot different than other people I've dated in the past, alright? So, don't worry about losing me."

A small smirk found it's way onto my lips. "Are you falling for me, Horseface?"

"O-Of course not! That's ridiculous!"

"Is it really?"

"Isn't it?" I laughed when Jean sounded unsure at that point, quickly kissing him sweetly before cupping his groin.

"C'mon, let's play together." I whispered in his ear, gently biting his lobe. I smirked when I felt him shiver.

"Fuck..." Was all Jean said before he grabbed me by my ass and pulled me closer to him, massaging my ass roughly.

"Ow... Not so rough, I'm not going anywhere..." I complained.

"You almost left me..." I heard Jean mumble and I stiffened.

"S-shit, sorry, Eren, I didn't mean to--"

I shushed Jean with a soft and quick kiss before pulling away to look into his eyes. "I know... I'm sorry..."

Jean just lost it when I said that words, pulling me down for a rough and sloppy kiss. It was all tongue and teeth clacking together, Jean's hands dipping into my boxers not long after.

I gasped and pulled away when Jean suddenly grabbed my erect cock and starts pumping it hard.

"Nmm... A-ah! Jean... T-to rough..." I managed to choke out, breathing heavily next to Jean's ear.

"I think you like it rough." Jean said softly to me, indicating to my leaking dick. Cocky bastard.

"Ah... F-fuck you... Ah!"

Jean started rubbing his thumb over my slit hard and he just smirked at me.

"Yep, you defintely like it rough."

It felt like Jean was teasing me for hours until I finally felt my climax wash over me and just as I was about to, I couldn't.

I looked down and desperately pulled at Jean's finger that were around the base of my cock, preventing me from climaxing.

"Jean!" I screamed when it was starting to become painful, but the more pain I felt, the more pleasure accompanied it.

"Let's see how much you really want to come." Was all Jean said as he waited for me to settle down and then only removed his hand when he was sure I wasn't going to come.

Jean reached over to his coffee table and grabbed a thick elastic band and then started tying it around the base of my cock.

"No..." I whimpered, pulling at the elastic band but only making it tighter. Jean slapped my hands away and put me on the ground. He then stuck his leg out and raised an eyebrow.

"I'll only let you come if you entertain me, so put on a good show."

My whole face turned red when my boyfriend said that, but my cock also twitched at the idea so I gave it a try.

I gulped before getting started. First, I made a big deal of taking off my boxers, moving my hips in a circle as I slowly peeled them off the tossed them to the side. I then crawled up between Jean's legs and started rutting against his leg, getting precome on his pants.

He must have found this pretty entertaining because he just kept watching me until I felt my climax coming, and then I begged.

"P-please! Oh... Please... I-I need... I need to..." I gasped when Jean started stepping on my crotch, grinding his heel into it.

"Need to what, bitch?" Fuck... Jean is really hot when he's cocky and in control...

"I-I need release... P-please..." I whimpered, bucking my hips into his heel.

Then, heaven forbid, a giant, evil smirk planted itself on Jean's lips.

"If you call me your master, I'll let you come." ...Oh hell no. I'm not fucking doing that! Never!

"In your fucking dreams." I seethed but whimpered again as his heel dig harder into my crotch.

"Have it your way then." Jean continued to torture me until I reached my limit and just cracked.

"J-Jean..." I cried.

"What do you want, pet?"

I shivered at the name and responded,"P-please..."

"You know what you need to say."

He's so fucking obstinate...

"Master... Please... I-I need... Release..." And with that, Jean pulled off the elastic harshly from my dick which sent me over the edge and I finally came all over Jean's foot and leg.

A few moments of heavy breathing later, Jean spoke up.

"...You're cleaning this up."


	13. I'm Not The Only One...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> WARNING: CUTTING AND SUICIDAL THOUGHTS. Sorry I'm not good at making warnings...  
> Eren is left to wait all by himself in Jean's apartment while the said man is at work. Eren gets nosy and starts looking around Jean's apartment only to find that Jean has a second cellphone which starts receiving some texts from a girl, some very intimate texts.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ...Holy crap I haven't updated in a while. Okay well um sorry about the long wait and I really have no excuse. I just have sports and school taking over my life and I've been feeling kinda depressed like I'm not happy with my writing and I really want to get better but it seems like I can't? And I'm sensitive too so when people critique me I kinda take it the wrong way and lose steam to write I guess? So I'm not too sure if I'll continue making fanfics, not until I'm better at writing anyway. Hopefully I'll finish this one off but it depends. If I do decide to finish it off, I'm gunna be keeping these chapters short and sweet. Anyway, thanks for reading! Bye~

I sighed again as I stared up at the flashing tv screen, shifting uncomfortably on the sofa.

I'm so bored.

I grabbed the remote and turned off the tv, getting up to look at the time.

...Only 9:55. Jean left to go to work a little over an hour ago. Fuck. I have to still wait six more hours before he comes home... Great.

Yeah, no. This is not going to happen. I'm not going to sit around all day, bored out of my mind just because my horsefaced boyfriend wasn't here to entertain me.

I began to walk around the apartment, trying to find... Well, anything really.

I just wanted to find something that piqued my interest. Like... Baby photos of Jean maybe? *wink wink*

I began my search in the living room, looking underneath the carpet and sofas, looking through bookcases, even removed some of the painting to see if there was a secret vault thingy like in those movies.

However, to my disappointment, there was nothing.

Determined to at least find _something_ , I went to his kitchen next and searched through his fridge, oven and cooking supplies, but I still could not find anything.

I was starting to get discouraged after I searched the bathroom to no prevail, but I still had one room left to search. Jean's bedroom.

I walked into his room and closed the door after me, looking around the room.

"Now, if I was going to hide something I didn't want anyone else seeing... Where would I put it?" I said aloud to no one in particular as my eyes darted across the room.

I made up my mind and decided to check in Jean's bedside cabinets first but they happened to be locked so I decided to look under his bed.

Honestly, I wish I hadn't looked there. There's dust bunnies littering the ground along with other forgotten items such as socks, game pieces, a key and-- wait. A key?!

I bit my lip as I recovered the dusty key from underneath the bed, immediately going over to the beside cabinet to unlock it. I stuck the key in and tada, the key fit!

I smiled slightly to myself as I opened the drawer but then I frowned at the sight. There was a cellphone there. I could feel my brows knit together as I frowned.

I was sure Jean brought his cellphone with him to work because he promised to text me on his breaks. So why would he need a second cellphone.

As I kept thinking it over, his phone suddenly started to vibrate in my hand, alerting me that he had gotten a text. I looked up at who texted him and my blood ran cold.

The ID at the top of the screen read; Sierra<3.

Yep, there was a heart beside this so called _Sierra's_ name. I felt my cheeks grow hot as I clutched the cellphone tightly when I read the text she sent.

_Sierra: "hey babe, how ya doing <3"_

No way. This has to be wrong... It's probably just a prank... Or... Maybe it's his sister... Mom?

I quickly got into the phone, surprised that Jean hadn't even bothered to put a lock on it. (Hopefully a good sign, could mean that this all is indeed a prank.)

To my devastation, however, I couldn't have been more wrong.

I felt my blood run cold as I looked through the previous texts he sent to Sierra and all the texts she sent him.

I felt tears start to well up in my eyes as I looked at the convo where Jean had last replied to this chick. It was just last night. When we were sleeping together in his bed.

_11:48 p.m. Jean: "hey sweets how're u?"_

_Sierra: "I'm good, could've been better if you were sleeping with me tonight, baby ;)"_

_Jean: "srry baby but I was with him tonight."_

_Sierra: "AGAIN?! Honestly, I get u feel bad for the kid but honestly, just dump him or something already! He's taking time away from me and u time!"_

_Jean: "ik ik I'll get rid of him soon, don't worry about it. Look I got to go, he's stirring, I'll meet up with you tomorrow at 9:30 at the carnival! I promise."_

I felt a tear roll down my left cheek, then two fall down my right, and soon I was a sobbing mess. How could Jean just... Betray me like that?! I thought he cared about me?! H-He was the one that wanted this relationship in the first place so why would he?!

No, no, I won't believe it until I see it with my own eyes.

I got dressed and put on a scarf and hat to cover my face as I left the apartment and went over to Jean's workplace, needing to see if he was indeed working or not, his second cellphone still clutched tightly in my hand.

I could feel myself start to cry again as I saw that he was indeed not at work. He wasn't at work. Which meant... I looked at his text again.

He was at the carnival.

***

I ran to the only carnival that was open today near Jean's apartment, running around the entire field until I saw Jean, alone.

I sighed in relief but then, I saw _her_ come out of the washroom.

I felt a deep pain in my chest and I started to cry again as I watched Sierra walk up to Jean and kiss him on the lips. He smiled and returned her the kiss.

My heart stopped, I swear it stopped as I watched the man I love, embrace another being.

I was about the turn away when He made eye contact with me.

***

_Jean_

I watched my girlfriend walk out from the public washrooms, finally glad to see her after fifteen minutes of waiting.

As she approached me I was going to ask her what had taken her so long but before I could, she came up and gave me a smooch on the lips. I smiles softly and kissed her back. She pulled away briefly to whisper to me,"I sent you some pictures while I was in there..."

I chuckled and kissed her again. I didn't have my second cellphone on me but I would have something to look forward to look at when I got home.

Home... I thought. Eren... Would be home, waiting for me... I smiled at the thought. I couldn't bare to lose either Sierra or Eren and I didn't want to hurt either of them but, I needed to make a choice, and I think I had almost made up my mind. I went on a date with Sierra so that I could make sure she wasn't for me and I believe that still. Eren's the only right one for me.

I looked up and my eyes widened when I saw all too familiar green and yellow eyes filled with tears staring back into my own brown eyes.

Fuck. Eren found me.

***

_Eren_

I stared at Jean for a long while before I forced a small smile on my face, tears still streaming down my cheeks, I chucked Jean's cellphone at the ground and stepped on it with my shoe, cracking it in half. He won't be needing that anymore. He won't need to hide it from me anymore.

I ran. I ran through the crowd until I reached the small forest right beside where to small carnival was set up. This would do, this would be a nice resting spot I thought as I pulled out my pocket knife. Why I had it in my pocket, I don't really know but it may have been fate.

I lifted my shirts sleeves up and grabbed my knifed. I took a deep breath before hacking into my arms, crimson liquid flying everywhere, even chunks of flesh. I didn't stop cutting though. Not even when a lady screamed at me to stop, not even when an officer tried to pin me down, not even when I saw him rush towards me only to be held back by some other policemen. I only stopped when I saw nothing but red on my arms. Then, everything went black.


	14. Jean is all I Need...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Eren is at a hospital with no there to support him. He's depressed and angry and to make matters worse, Jean decides to come and visit him for a talk. Will Jean apologize and try to get back with Eren? Or will Eren decide to move on?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Like I said, making shorter chapters so I can update easier. Thanks for reading! Bye~

I wake up, I eat, I sit, I eat, I go to bed.

I wake up, I eat, I sit, I eat, I go to bed.

I wake up, I eat, I sit, I eat, I go to bed.

That same pattern kept repeating itself for the last five days while I was in the hospital. But what else was I supposed to do? My arms were in heavy, thick bandages and I had no where to go home to.

I sighed as I thought back to what got me in the hospital in the first place. It's almost laughable, how sensitive I am... I mean, I wandered across town just to make sure whether or not Jean was cheating in me and when I figured out he was, I started cutting myself.

I looked sadly at my bandaged arms, a few tears starting to sting my eyes. I could barely move them. In fact I really couldn't feel them either... Again, the reason I'm in this mess is because of my stupidity.

If only I didn't fucking snoop around, if only I hadn't found Jean second cell phone and those texts! I could've been blissfully unaware of his other relationship and lived happily with him! But no! Things never work out for me, after all, I'm fucking Eren Yeager! The cursed kid with two different coloured eyes that has dreams about people dying, only to have those same people who died in his dreams die in fucking real life!

My tears long since started to flow freely down my cheeks, I slapped the tears away angrily when I realized I was crying.

I shouldn't be crying. There are people who are in worse situations than me, they should be crying, not me...So... Why can't I stop crying? This was all my fault so why am I crying? I have... I have no right--

A sudden knock at my door brought me out of my thoughts and into real life again. I sighed, slightly relieved and told the person at the door to come in.

Again with my stupidity; I always assume. So I shouldn't have been surprised to see Jean walk into my room instead of a nurse.

I just stared at the horsefaced teen as he closed the door and locked it behind him, but soon my body went into defends mode.

"Get out." My voice was shaking and I momentarily cursed it so I tried again, "Get out, you have no fucking reason to be here."

Jean snorted at that, making me even angrier than before. What the fuck was so funny about this?! He fucking cheated on me with a fucking chick and I ended up in the hospital in the end! How the hell is this funny?!

"You honestly think I don't have a reason to be here?" Jean asked lowly, making me more scared than I already was. I realized that he wasn't really laughing, he was being bitter. As my eyes found his, I couldn't help but flinch as I looked into his eyes, the same kind eyes I had once known to be kind, but were know filled with anger.

I gulped and tried to reason with him.

"J-Jean... J-just go to your girlfriend..."

This just seemed to make Jean angrier, it took him a few seconds to talk.

"I broke up with her," Jean said softly, much to my surprise as he continued,"I've been planning on breaking up with her for a while now... So I could properly be with you."

No, no there was no way I was going to fall for that. No way. 

"Don't lie!" I practically screamed, tears welling in my eyes for the hundredth time in the past few days. "I read your texts! You were planning on dumping me to be with her!"

"No, Eren, listen, I was actually--" Jean began but I cut him off.

"I don't blame you, you know..." My tears rolled down my red cheeks as I finally let everything go. "I should've expected this. I knew you were a player. I knew you wouldn't be happy with me. I mean, why would you be?"

I threw my head back a bit as I laughed loudly. "Who would ever be happy to be by the side of a complete suicidal, selfish, murderer! No one! Not even my adopted siblings can stand me! And I haven't heard from Armin in days!" I laughed again but quieted down when Jean didn't say anything.

I looked up at Jean and I watched him slowly back up to the door. I smiled softly. I knew he wasn't different. I knew he wouldn't stay by my side.

"E-Eren..." Here it comes. "You aren't the person I started dating. So I'm going to go outside for a second, and I'm going to come back in, and I expect the _real_ Eren to be here, not a 'murderer'." Wait, what?

Before I could say anything, Jean left, and I felt my tears fall down my face again.

Fuck. Why couldn't I just be normal?

***

When Jean finally came back in, I refused to speak or even look at him. I'd been giving him the cold shoulder for about ten minutes, I could practically hear the frustration building up in his voice.

"How childish can you get! Just talk to me! Eren, look, I know I fucked up big time but I've done nothing but care for you ever since I first met you so--"

"So what?" I finally cut in, still avoiding eye contact. "So I should continue dating you? And what happens when we break up? I was already heartbroken when I found out you were going to dump me that I did this..." I indicated to my arms with my head,"... to myself. Think about how badly I'll hurt myself when you actually dump me. And don't give me that shit about caring for me since day one. Mikasa also said she would care of me and protect me no matter what but we all know how that turned out! She slapped me! Actually slapped me! She'd never done that before! And she used my heterochromia syndrome against me! She called my multi-eyed coloured freak!" I sniffed and sobbed softly, a smile remaining on my face. Was I broken? Was I finally pushed overboard by just talking about the person I loved doing such things to me. "And... The worst part is... I failed her. I failed to be a good brother to the person I loved most in this world. How do I know... That I won't fail you too?"

"Eren..." Jean said softly and sat beside me on my bed, careful not to nudge any wires or needles. "You will never fail me and I will never use your weaknesses against you. I want to love and protect you for as long as I can. So... What d'you say? Will you give me, a bastard, a second chance to steal your heart away?"

I cracked a smile when Jean said that, giggling a bit. "That was so fucking cheesy... But... I guess I could... Give you a second chance.... Maybe..." I teased.

Jean just smirked and leaned closer to my face. "Aren't you a little tease? I think I'll have to fix your attitude when you're discharged from the hospital."

I shivered violently as I finally caught on to what Jean was saying and couldn't help but get a bit turned on at the thought.

It was amazing, how much I craved this man, this lanky, handsome man cursed with a bloody horseface. But all jokes aside, I felt like I really needed this man in my life, he helped me through so much already and I honestly couldn't think of life without him at this point.

He could stab me, hit me, kick me in the back a million times over or kill me. Nothing would stop me from taking him back if he came back to me. I want him to be mine and if he kept coming back to me, searching for attention, I'd gladly open my arms to him.

God... This man will be the death of me one day, I swear to it.


	15. Answer Me... (Part 1)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Eren is discharged from the hospital and Jean just needs to talk with Eren some to regain his trust... So they tell each other things about themselves that they haven't told any one before.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Holy crap it's been a year since I started this wtf happened? And I haven't finished it... Crap, sorry. Well hopefully I finish it soon sorry if everything seems rushed I just want to finish this ;( well, hope you enjoyed! Bye~

It had been about two days since I was discharged from the hospital and I unfortunately still had to wear bandages all up my arms. I guess Jean started noticing my bummed out expression, not being able to go outside because of my bandages, for it was far too hot to wear long sleeved shirts in the scorching summer days, so Jean started talking to me a lot more frequently.

To be honest, I was kinda giving him to cold shoulder for the past few days, still mad at him for cheating on me. I wasn't surprised when he decided to confront me about it. What did surprise me, however, was what he did to make me feel better.

***

"Yeager, we're gunna have bonding time. Just you and me." Jean suddenly burst into my room and declared, causing me to freeze.

"Wha--" I began but Jean cut me off by moving to sit next to me where I was positioned on my bed. (Well, technically Jean's bed, he was letting me live with him in his apartment.)

"We're bonding! You haven't been acknowledging me lately and I know it's because of the whole cheating fiasco so... I'm gunna try to win your trust!"

"Umm... How?" I asked, still really confused by this situation.

"By playing a game. Okay, it's not really a game. It's more like, you ask any question you want to know about me like, _'What's your favourite colour?'_ and I have to answer it."

I couldn't help but smile a bit. On one side, I was happy that Jean wanted to do this and wanted me to get to know him better, and on the other side, I was feeling slightly evil because now I could figure out what else he was hiding.

"Also, since it's bonding for both of us, I'll get to ask you questions too." Jean added in finally.

"Alright." I shrugged after a minute. "Let's do this."

***

"Okay! I'll start first!" Jean smiled happily as he immediately threw his question at me, as if he had preplanned all of his questions.

"Who is the most important person in your life?"

"I-I... Um..." I stuttered, trying to think of a good answer that wouldn't upset him.

"Answer truthfully! This game won't work if you don't answer with the truth." Jean said so seriously that I immediately told him the truth.

"Mikasa." I whispered.

"Why?" Jean asked softly, as if he actually wanted to know the meaning why Mikasa was the dearest person to me, not as if he was wondering why it wasn't him.

I took a deep breath and confessed.

"Because... She was the first person to really treat me as family... She stuck up for me when times were tough and took care of me, as if I truly were her brother." I smiled softly. "She got me out of stupid fights, showed me sympathy, got me determined to fight for myself... If... If I hadn't had her... I... I wouldn't be the person I am today. I would've died long ago."

"....She loves you just as much as you love her, Eren." Jean said softly. "You may think that ever since her blowout at you, she doesn't care for you but it's the opposite, honestly. She's just mad because you don't believe in yourself enough and it infuriates her when you degrade yourself and act helpless. She knows your strong, Mikasa just wants you to recognize your strength as well."

I smiled softly at Jean's words, leaning closer to him to kiss him gently before pulling away.

"My turn." I smiled and asked Jean my question.

"What do you not like about me?"

I watched Jean's eyes widen before he sighed and answered my question.

"I... I don't like it when you hurt yourself and think less of who you are. I guess I just wish you were more confident? Because you're hot as hell, you have a great body, and your eyes are cute as hell."

I quickly looked down when Jean mentioned my eyes, sniffing a bit and getting self conscious. However, Jean put his finger under my chin and forced me to look up at him.

"I love your eyes. So don't hide them."

I smiled softly and nodded. "Okay. Your turn then."

"Hmm... What's your biggest turn on?"

I couldn't help but burst out laughing. "W-what? I... Haha... Okay... Um... I-I guess I like pain? Like it felt good when you've previously stepped on my crotch..." I mumbled softly.

I looked up in time to see Jean smirk and the wink at me.

"I'll keep that in mind." He said as he wrapped an arm around my waist, pulling me closer to his body so I could rest my head on his collarbone.

"What's your biggest turn off?" I sudeenly asked Jean.

"I suppose it would be... Oh gosh I really don't know. To be honest you're really hot as hell when you're needy and submissive. You beg and cry when you don't get what you want during sex." He said huskily in my ear and I felt my face turn crimson.

"T-There has to be one thing that turns you off..."

"Nope. Nothing at all." Jean just whispered absently as he started reaching into the waistband of my pants.

Jean smirked at me again and reached into my boxers to grab my already half erect cock. I moaned as he began pumping it, throwing my head back.

"I can role with this..." I heard Jean mumble before he continued,"Next question then."


	16. Answer Me... (Part 2)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Eren and Jean continue their little bonding exercise.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Uh nothing to talk about so um.. I'll talk about the fic? It could have a very sad ending or a happy one, idk at this point actually, it depends how I'm feeling the day I write it and I think I'm leaning towards a sad ending? Like, I have a bunch of shit planned to go down and it seems more realistic to me to end it bad but who knows. Anyway, hope you enjoyed! Bye~

"Do you think you're good looking?" Jean asked me as he kept stroking me leaking cock.

I could only let out moans, rutting my hips against his hand for extra friction. "Ngh... Ah.. M-more..."

I suddenly felt the delicious friction leave and I looked up at Jean, confused as to why he took his hand out of my pants. "W-Wha--"

"I won't continue unless you answer my question." The bastard smirked at me and I couldn't help but get irritated.

"F-Fuck you..." I growled but sighed. "No I don't think I'm good looking.." I mumbled out softly and I felt Jean tense up. I looked up at him, confused, and I was greeted with the scariest face I could have ever seen.

Jean looked mad. _Really_ mad for that matter.

"How many times do I have to tell you... That you're hot, hotter than hell, before you'll believe me?!" Jean yelled at me and I yelped as he threw my clothes off of my body.

"Look how cute you are!" He tried to convince me, stroking my cheek and flicking my cock. "Look how sexy your body is as well." He indicated to my cock swinging back and forth every time he flicked it.

"J-Jean... Please stop... It's... It's embarrassing..." I sniffed and Jean stopped for a moment.

"I want you to know how good looking you are. People would die to look like you, honestly."

I felt a warm feeling grow in my chest and I couldn't help but smile a bit at Jean's kindness.

I leaned up and kissed my boyfriend before mumbling against his lips,"Thank you..."

"Tell me you think you're cute..." Jean said softly.

"I-I think I'm cute..." I hesitantly said.

Jean smiled sweetly at me and kissed my cheek. "That's a start... Good job."

"Okay... Um... My turn. Are you hiding anymore secrets from me?"

I felt a little worried when Jean had to think about this.

"I'm not hiding anything that'll hurt you, like cheating. I _am_ hiding bits of my past life from you though so you won't feel uneasy being around me. I just want you to know that I'm 100% dedicated to just you. So you have nothing to worry about."

"Okay... Good." I said, relieved.

I shivered a bit and I snuggled under the covers of Jean's bed, mostly because I was naked, I suddenly started feeling a little lonely. "Take your clothes off too and snuggle with me..." I mumbled softly to Jean.

"Demanding... I like that." Jean commented as he took off his shirt and pants, getting under the blankets with me and wrapping his arms around my shoulders.

"You still have a hard on... Want me to finish you off?" Jean asked me gently, kissing my cheek.

I smiled and replied,"Nah, I just... Want to snuggle with you..."

"Okay. I'll ask you my next question then."

Jean hesitated for a few moments so I smiled and took his hand to my lips, kissing the back of it. "You can ask me whatever you want."

I watched Jean swallow thickly before nodding his head. I instantly regretted my words as soon as I heard his question.

"Do you actually get nightmares that... Kill people in real life?"

My eyes widened and I stiffed up to the point where it seemed as though I couldn't move at all. I felt oncoming tears well up in my eyes as I thought about all the people that lost their lives because of me.

I just blanked out and a few minutes later, I returned back to reality where Jean was shaking me by my shoulders and looking worried.

"-ren, Eren! You don't have to answer! Just snap out of it!"

I looked up at Jean and felt my tears finally give way and they fell down my cheeks."They're all dead, because of me. I-I forgot about them because I hadn't been getting the dreams as much lately... But I-I dream about people and then they die in real life..." I started crying loudly. "W-What if I-I kill you?! Or A-Armin or Mikasa?! I already had you guys in my dreams! And Levi was there! And..." My eyes widened, suddenly scared.

"Eren... Just... Just calm yourself..." Jean practically begged me, he, himself, looking quite frightened.

"Y-You don't understand..." I said softly, remembering Marco had been in my dream before but he had gone missing. And I hadn't heard from him lately either... No, it's just a coincidence! It's fine. It's fine.

"Eren... I think it's just a crazy coincidence... I don't think people are actually dying because you dreamt of them... Dying...." Jean tried to help me but I shook my head.

"They do die because I dreamt of them dying! It's been going on for weeks! And what about Armin's legend thing! It's true! It's fucking true! It's fucking tru--" I cut off as Jean suddenly grabbed me and pulled me close.

"We'll get by this, okay? I promise I'll... I'll try to help you anyway I can... So don't do anything rash like try to kill yourself or something... I'll help you get past this... I won't leave you until you're cured..."

I was sobbing softly against Jean's chest and I squeezed my hand out from his embrace to hold up my pinky finger.

"D-Do you promise? To not leave or abandon me until I get rid of my nightmares?" I asked softly and hopefully.

"I...I promise..." With that, Jean shook my pinky with his and from that point on, he just kept gently talking to me and kissing me.

My mind was on another person though. Someone I was afraid I might have killed... Someone that meant the world to Jean just like how Mikasa meant the world to me...

_...Marco..._


	17. Best Friends For Life...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Eren walks around a park nearby while Jean is away at work and... He bumps into some people he isn't ready to see.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Getting so close to when shit happens!!! Don't know quite for sure but I think it's about ten chapters until things go bad but I haven't really planned it too much so it could come sooner or later, who knows? Just be prepared for anything. Anyway? Hope you enjoyed! Bye~

It was a glorious day, the sun was shining, animals could be seen scurrying through bushes and trees, and many people were out on afternoon strolls with loved ones.

I sighed softly and looked down at what I was wearing, boiling hot. I was wearing a long sleeved shirt to hide the scars on my arms and I was also wearing a pair of booty shorts that everyone said I looked good in. It also drives Jean mad so hopefully he'll come home and see me like this...

I smiled softly to myself and sat on a bench underneath a blooming cherry blossom tree. They weren't real cherry blossoms, they were the fake kind that grow in normal towns but they were the closest anyone could get to realcherry blossoms.

I giggles softly when a cherry blossom fell on top of my head, I picked it up gently and just stared at it, trying to ignore my trouble by focussing and the beautiful flower. It was quite weird they were blooming in summer, they usually bloom in the spring time... I guess it's just a lucky year, to have them bloom twice.

I spent a while staring at the pink flower before I heard her voice. Smooth and clear as day. And she was speaking to me.

"You look happy."

I looked up with wide eyes and my eyes grew even wider when I saw Armin accompanying Mikasa.

I wanted to talk to them, I wanted to talk and apologize to them for so many things but I couldn't think of anything to say on the spot and I felt my throat start to close up and tears welled up in my eyes.

"G-Good day..." Was all that left my lips as I stood up and went to take me leave, only to have a force grab me by my right arm tightly.

"No, no, you aren't running away from me now." Mikasa said harshly in my ear, pulling me back to the bench and pushing me down to sit on it. Armin sat beside me, looking uncomfortable and Mikasa sat on the other side of me, looking mad.

"...I-I'm busy right now so please make this fast..." I stuttered nervously.

"Bullshit." Mikasa snapped, causing both Armin and I to flinch. I suddenly felt tears in my eyes for the hundredth time this week.

"I-I'm sorry..." I started crying as I hung my head low. "I'm sorry for being a bad brother... I-I'm sorry I wasn't there for you... I'm sorry for being a selfish friend... I... I..."

I gasped when I felt a pair of arms wrap around my waist and a second later, I felt another pair wrap around my neck. I look up with wide eyes, and to my amazement, I saw my friends hugging me. I saw Armin's face pressed up against my chest and I felt Mikasa's face in the crook of my neck. I soon realized that, they were also crying, I-I wasn't the only one who felt this way...

"I-I love you Eren... I'm so sorry... I didn't mean to hurt you I just got mad and I was stressed and I took it out on you..." I heard Mikasa sniff. "I'm sorry! I didn't mean anything I said!"

I smiled happily and kissed Mikasa's head, then I looked down at Armin and kissed the top of his head.

"I'm sorry too, Eren." Armin hiccuped cutely. "I just didn't know how to process everything and your... Nightmares... I didn't know what to do... But Marco talked to me and calmed me down so... So I can help you with them now..."

Holy shit, Marco!

"And... Um... Is Marco okay these days? I mean, was he mad the last time you saw him since I've kinda stolen his ex-lover and best friend?" I nervously asked.

"Huh? I spoke with him earlier today and he didn't seem mad. Why? Did Jean say he was mad?" Armin asked me confused, looking up to give me a questioning look.

"H-Huh? Oh, no! I was just wondering... Since I haven't seen him in a while." I responded, a huge weight lifting off my chest. Marco was still here. He was lost or missing or dead. He was still safely alive... Thank god.

"Well, now that that's cleared..." Mikasa said softly, "I have apologizing to still do..." She whispered and leaned in and kissed me on the lips softly.

It was an innocent and sweet kiss, lasting no longer than a few seconds. When she pulled away, a small smile was on her face and I could feel my own face turning red.

"W-Wha..." I started but Mikasa shushed me.

"I love you Eren. You're my brother and I wasn't there for you in your time of need... But I promise that that will never happen. Not ever again."

"We'll both be with you all the step if the way... So... Don't run away from us again... Okay?" I looked at Armin when he asked such hopeful words and I looked at him before smiling and kissing his nose.

"Alright." I promised.

***

I walked softly through Hanji's hall, knocking on the door to the bedroom Levi usually spends his days in.

The only reason I was here was because Mikasa told me to go talk to Levi to let him know I was alright.

I took a deep breath and entered the room when no one answered and I was greeted with the sight of Levi sitting on his bed with his headphones on when I entered. God, that man was practically deaf when he had those things on.

Upon seeing me, I watched Levi's eyes widen and couldn't help but laugh a bit when he threw his headphones off of his ears and he launched himself at me, immediately checking every inch of my body to make sure I was okay. I smiled through his whole inspection.

He only spoke when he was positive I wasn't harmed.

"Are you okay?" He asked first.

"I had to go to the hospital for cutting too much but other than that I'm fine.." I said softly, meeting Levi's eyes which chilled me to the bone.

"Yeager... You fucking bastard... You fucking idiot." He seethed and before I knew it, he had my pinned on my back against the bed, Levi himself on top of me and straddling my hips.

"Levi! What the fuck! Get off!"

Levi didn't get off however, he sat on my before leaning down to kiss my forehead.

"Seriously! What's up with everyone and kissing me?!" I asked loudly but Levi didn't answer. He just put his head on my chest and let out a loud sigh.

"Don't ever fucking scare me like that again... You bastard..." He mumbled and I sat there in shock. This was the first time I've seen him physically upset and worried about me so I immediately wrapped my arms around his waist and pulled him closer to me.

"Don't fucking scare me like that again... Or I'll kill you, you fucking idiot..." He growled and held me close to him.

I giggled softly and nodded.

"Okay... I'll tell you my plans next time..."

"...You'd better..." And with that, Levi kissed my cheek and also smacked my head, to which I only laughed. Man, it's nice, it's a nice feeling to know that some people actually care about you.


	18. I Love You...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Um... Eren is kinda insane in this chapter... Same as Jean...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay so fuck my life I came up with a better sorta plot for this so I'm kinda changing some things up or else this will just go on forever... So get ready for some angst in the future y'all. Hopefully you guys will like the new sorta ending I came up with I'll tell you guys my original idea after I finish the work. Anyway, hope you enjoyed! Bye~ 
> 
> P.S this is my least favourite chapter so far ughhh sorry

***

_I felt sick. This... This couldn't be right... It couldn't be..._

_I stared ahead at the wreckage of what used to be a town. And all around... Bodies were littered. Blood was smeared where the ground was not cracked, limbs were tossed carelessly around... This... Was not right. It wasn't right._

_A giant gust of wind hit me and suddenly, I was face to face with a crying man._

_...Henning..._

_Henning is his name..._

_My eyes widened with realization, I was having another nightmare. After about a week... I was having another nightmare!_

_I was pulled out from my thoughts as I heard Henning let out a scream, one loud bloodcurdling scream. That was when I realized the situation he was in. He was was in a giant hand, five blood soaked fingers wrapped around his torso and back. And one massive jaw and set of teeth snapping closer and closer to his face._

_"No! Please! God have mercy on me! NOOOOOOO--" and with one mighty bite from the monster, Henning's head was gone._

_I couldn't look away or close my eyes. I felt tears enter them, but I couldn't close them. Even as I watched the poor man get his head bitten clean off. Not even when the monster pull the rest of the man's body into pieces and eat it._

I don't want this... I-I don't want to see such things happen to people...

_And as though my dreams were finally listening to me, a gust of air hit me in the face again and I opened to my eyes to be greeted by another man's face... Except it... It was only half... And I wish I didn't know who it was..._

_I stared in horror at what was left of a friend I once knew, Marco Bodt._

***

"NOOOOOOO!" I sat up in cold sweat, my breathing ragged and shallow as I let out loud screams and sobs.

I kept screaming until I felt Jean rustle beside me and then I felt his arms wrap around me.

"Eren, everything is fine." Jean stroked my back and leaned closer to me until we were face to face. "Stop screaming, Eren. Everything is fine... It's not real."

I quieted down but I shook my head. "I-It's real. It's very real... A-and I-I'm going to hurt you and Armin and Mikasa and everyone!" I eventually started yelling. "I can't do this! I can't do this!" I screamed and I got out of bed, throwing the blankets that were on my lap on top of Jean.

"Eren! Come back!" I heard Jean yell as he fumbled with the blankets. I just ran to the apartment door and ran right through the building until I was outside.

For summer, the nights were actually very cool, so I instantly was slapped in the face with a gust of cold air, causing me to stop for a brief moment to wipe my eyes of more oncoming tears. Well, that was a mistake.

A strong grip was suddenly on my shoulder and the another was on my forearm.

"Eren! P-please! Just calm... Just calm down!" Of course Jean followed me. Of course he did. He like me after all and cared about me so of course he went after me. But I don't want him with me right now. I don't want to hurt him... Or kill him...

I smiled a bit before saying what needed to be said. It was to protect Jean after all.

"...Can't you just leave me alone?" I started, trying to act mad but my tears were slightly betraying me. "Can't you see that I don't want you constantly following me?! It's fucking annoying so just stop!" I yelled at him and I felt a sick feeling in my gut when his grip loosened from around my arms. I pulled away from him and turned around to face Jean but... The face I saw just left me absolutely speechless. It was a fce of hurt and anger and betrayal and all of the above...

I had to look away before continuing.

"Let's just break up."

...

...

...

Silence.

It dragged out for a over three minutes until, to my surprise, Jean started laughing. But then, he began to speak.

"Y-You think, hah, that you can just decide to leave me?! Just like that?! Hah!" Jean laughed again but then abruptly stopped and looked me dead in the eye, no longer smiling. "I won't allow you to leave me. No. No, no, no, no, no. That's not how it works, Eren. You _need_ me. You need me in your life to help and support you each step of the way. Hell, I've stopped you from commuting suicide how many times now?!" He yelled at me and I flinched. Tears were flowing freely down my cheeks at this point and I couldn't help but to start to sob loudly.

I heard Jean take in a sharp breath and he suddenly sounded worried. "E-Eren... I'm sorry... If... If you actually hate me... Then... Just go. Or, if you do actually like me... Take my hand."

I looked up at Jean in shock as I watched him stick out his hand towards me. I felt my bottom lip quiver as I took a step back. And then I took another step backwards. I continued that pattern until Jean finally put his hand down. He smiled softly at me and said, "Good luck, Eren. I hope you'll be happy." He said as though he truly meant it.

Fuck him! Fuck him and his stupid face and his stupid compassion for other people! Why did I ever have to fall in love with such a guy... I should have never even met Jean... At least then... I'd know I wasn't leaving anyone behind... But... I let him into my life...

I found myself running to Jean when he'd finally turned his back on me and went to go back inside. I ran until I had both my arms wrapped tightly around his waist, and my face was pressed up against his back.

"I'm sorry..." For being selfish.... "I'm sorry..." For hurting you... "I'm sorry..." For killing the person you loved...

I kept telling Jean I was sorry, over and over and over until he turned around in my grip and wrapped his arms around me.

"Shhh... It's alright... Shhh..." He whispered soothing words in my ear as he held me close to him.

I have to do this. I have to tell him before everything goes to shit.

I lifted my head up to look at Jean's face. I looked into his eyes, his beautiful chocolate brown eyes and smiled softly.

And then... I told him. "I... I love you."


	19. Let Me Worry About You...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jean is basically confessing what he really feels. Also, we get to know Jean a bit better because so far I've made his character pretty flat );

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Nghhh.... I have to go to Kelowna tomorrow so this is just going to be a quick short Jean's POV chapter. Anyway, hope you enjoyed. Bye~
> 
> Okay wtf I just got a comment on my first chapter today telling me "this is the stupidest shit I've ever read"??? Like wtf I came onto this site to get helpful critique on my writing so I can become a better writer and what not and I know I'm not that good at writing so I don't need someone to tell me this is shit. If you don't like my story, that's fine, just don't be a bitch about jeez.

"I... I love you."

... Wait... Did I just... Hear that right? Did that actually come from Eren's lips?

"W-What..? What did you just say?" I asked Eren, feeling his face pressed against my back, his tears soaking into my cotton shirt.

He immediately lost contact with me when I asked him this, so I turned around only to see him crying even more. It broke my heart to see him, Eren, my beautiful Eren crying.

"I'm sorry..." He choked out and my eyes widened in realization. He thought I... Was upset with him...

"I-I'm sorry, Jean... I'll... I'll just leave!" He quickly said and turned around to walk away.

I felt my breath hitch in my throat as I processed what was happening. I watched as Eren walked further and further away, getting smaller with each step he took. So... I ran after him.

I grabbed him by the shoulder and spun him around to look at me, wrapping my arms securely around his waist so he couldn't get away even if he wanted to. He looked so confused and that just made me mad. Didn't he know how much I liked him?! This is the first time I've felt this dedicated to someone... So I'm not going to just let him walk off! No matter what Eren doubts about me... I'll prove him wrong. I'll show him that I will never, ever betray him. No matter what happens to anyone else, Eren will be my main priority. One hundred percent.

"Listen hear, Yeager." I spoke firmly to him. "I'm not letting you walk away from me because you're scared. I've made it pretty damn clear that I won't be leaving you anytime soon and to be honest, I don't think I ever want to leave you." I sighed when he hiccuped softly and I lowered my voice some."Of course... I didn't think that at the start... When I first met you, in the hospital, I thought you were some weak brat that would need to be constantly saved from people but... When you talked to me... You sounded so confident and you stood up for yourself... Regardless of your situation, you looked like you could've hit me at any moment... And from then on... I just found so many more parts of you that I love."

"N-no... I think you're confusing sex for liking me--" Eren started but as if I'd let him finish a fucking sentence like that.

"I don't just like sex! You bastard! I've completely fallen for all of you!" I yelled at him. "I love your personality, and how you don't deal with anyone's crap! I love your looks and your beautiful eyes! I love the way you're an open book whenever you feel sad or angry... I love... Every inch of you... Not just physically... But mentally as well..." 

I kept my eyes on Eren the whole time and his expression changed from shock to wonder.

"So... D-do you..." He began but I cut him off, again."

"Jesus fucking Christ! Do I have to be any fucking clearer?!" I yelled again as I grabbed Eren by the back of the neck and leaned in to kiss him sweetly.

We kissed for a while until we finally parted to breathe. Then, and only then, did I whisper the words so had wanted to tell him for so long.

"I love you."

***

We were back inside now, Eren and I. We were sitting in the bathtub together, just snuggling in the warm water as we kissed and spoke soft words to one another, until I saw the look of curiousity on Eren's face.

I loved this look. His eyes would squint slightly, he'd purse his lips together, and his eyebrows would be furrowed in confusion. It was quite a sight.

"What's wrong?" I asked him after a few seconds.

"...Jean... I want to know about your past."

That... Caught me off-guard...

My eyes widened. "Why?"

"Because... I still don't know you as well as I'd like too..."

I smiled softly, glad he asked. This was good. It meant that he really does want to keep this relationship. And if he wants to know about me, I'll gladly tell him.

"Okay. Get comfy." I smiled at him and he then moved closer to my side and I wrapped my arms around him. Once he was comfy, I began.

"I was born into a rich family, getting what I asked for and all that good stuff, but I rarely saw my parents that I was a bratty child, not having any kind of parent figure in my life, y'know?" I heard Eren hum and I took that as my que to continue. He looked so absorbed in my story already, that it just made me even happier and eager to tell him more so he could know everything about me.

"Well... I got into some pretty bad stuff. I started shoplifting as I got older because I believed I could have anything I wanted. And if the cops caught me I'd be bailed out by my parents. So I continued what I was doing and I eventually started getting into... Worse things... I started sleeping around with mean and woman, and if I saw a really cute person and I couldn't smooth talk them into sleeping with me... I'd pay them." I looked down at Eren but he just smiled softly at me.

"I that you aren't the same as your past self... So go on with your story." Was all he said and I continued.

"So... Basically, I was an asshole, like one of those movies that have a really snotty rich guy that looks down at everyone... That was basically me."

"At least you can admit it." I heard Eren mumble and I let out a laugh before speaking again.

"But... All of that suddenly changed when I met Marco." I said fondly and I heard Erenmd breath hitch in his throat but I continued before he got the wrong idea, like if I still had lingering feeling for Marco or what not.

"I slept with Marco once but he kinda just stuck around with me after that one night. He always pestered me to take care of myself and to help clean around even though I had maids and servants... But I did as he asked because... I finally had someone to teach me how to behave, how to act like regular people without instantly driving them away. That's why Marco is my only beloved friend." I smiled. "Besides you, he's the person I cherish most in this world." I looked down and saw Eren had tears in his eyes. "What's wrong?"

"N-nothing!" Eren said and wiped his eyes. "It's just..." He was avoiding making eye contact with me.

"It's just... I-I ki-- I'm glad you had Marco... Or we might not have been together now." Eren finally looked up at me with a smile, but I could tell it was forced. I smiled back too, however, deciding not to question it for the time being. I pulled Eren into my alarms and leaned in to kiss him.

***

_Eren_

Fuck my life...


	20. The Dissappearance of Marco Bodt...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ... Basically what the title applies. Armin, Jean and Eren all go searching for Marco after he hasn't been seen for two days.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Finishing exams! :) I think I'll split this series into part one and two because I feel the second part will be really different than how the first part is currently laid out so... Yeah... Let's see how this goes I guess. (It may turn into a mess but oh well) also short chapter whoops ran out of ideas for this chapter :P Anyway, hope you enjoyed! Bye~
> 
>  
> 
> ...Wait... Is that 100kudos?? Ooohhhhh thank you!!

"Hey, Arm!" I said cheerfully into my cellphone. It had been a few days since I had last heard from my blond coconut friend so I immediately accepted his call.

"...Eren..." My name came out of the other line as barely a whisper a few moments later and my eyes widened in fear.

"A-Armin? What's u-up?" I stuttered softly.

The next part broke my heart as I heard my beloved friend's sobs come through the speaker and I knew exactly why. But I couldn't give away that it was me who had caused him pain... So I acted innocent and asked him what was wrong instead.

"Armin... I need you to tell me what's wrong..." I told my friend softly and I heard him take a deep breath.

"M-Marco..." I knew it. "H-He hasn't been home in a couple of days and hasn't even phoned or texted me either! He just... Vanished!" Armin sobbed again and I felt like the worst person ever. I... I had caused this... Marco was missing because of me. I knew it was going to happen sooner or later... But now that the time has actually come, I'm not prepared for it at all...

"D-do you think something happened to him? Jean and I can come over and help look for him." I acted my best to sound worried which wasn't very hard. Even though I knew I wouldn't be seeing Marco again... Even though I knew he would show up dead... A part of me couldn't help but wonder where he was...

I wanted to find... His body... Just to make sure... Just to make sure that he actually was gone...

"O-Okay c-come over with Jean... Please hurry Eren..." Armin whispered and hung up, leaving me on the other end.

I knew I was crying even before the tears started falling down my cheeks. I had all the reason to cry. I had just caused my best friend pain, I'll cause my boyfriend pain, and soon, I won't have anyone left to care for after my friends have found out what I have done.

Regardless, I took a deep breath and went to Jean's room where he was playing video games.

He looked up and just one look from me had him instantly at my side. I felt more tears roll down my cheeks at his reactions.

"What's wrong?" He asked urgently.

"Armin needs h-help... To find..." I hesitated. "...Marco." I breathed out.

I didn't look up. I couldn't. The silence said it all as I looked at the ground for a good minute before Jean grabbed me by the shoulders roughly.

"Why?! What happened to Marco?!" Jean was practically strangling me and I grabbed his hands to relieve some pressure off of my shoulders before replying.

"H-He's missing..." I said softly.

"...C'mon, we're going to help Armin look for Marco." Jean said after a bit and released his grip from my shoulders to gently take my hand and lead me to his truck. I cried softly the whole way to Armin's place, because I was the only one who knew the truth about Marco. About where he really was... And I will continue to be the only one until I've said all my good byes...

***

The rest of the day went by so... Fast... Jean and I had gotten to Armin's place and Armin had been crying and Jean was getting mad so he went to look around while I stayed with Armin. The whole time I was comforting Armin... He kept talking about his past with Marco... Like how they met and how quickly they fell in love... Armin then started going on about how they had planned so many things for the future like what college they were going into together and how they were going to go travelling to Japan together... And then Armin fell asleep and that's how I got where I am right now, sitting on Armin's sofa with the said boy sleeping on my lap.

I just... Wanted to die that whole time Armin was talking about Marco... Because this is my fault. I was the one who dreamed of Marco disappearing and dying... It was my fault that I'm still alive.... I should've died months ago but... Jean was keeping me alive.

That was a mistake on his part... Letting me live... He should've let me die in Marco's place...

Wait... There could be a chance that Marco could be alive... Right? So... If I... Die... Marco won't have to, will he?

I looked down at my sleeping friend before gently moving his head to go to the bathroom, I didn't bother locking the door since no one was here anyway. I looked in the bathroom cupboard and found what I was looking for. Armin's medicine stack. I took a few bottles and looked at the pills.

"I won't fail, this time..." I whispered and popped open the cap to the first bottle.


	21. I'm Broken...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Eren tries to commit suicide, will he succeed this time?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hehe coming closer to the end of part one >:) anyway hope you enjoyed! Bye~ P.S: WARNING: SUICIDE ATTEMPTS

...1...

...2...

...3...

...10...

...27...

...42...

...68...

...159...

My mouth felt dry even though I was continuously shoving water and pills down my throat. I didn't stop until I finished all the bottles, successfully taking 215 pills of different kinds.

I didn't care what they were, as long as they got the job done. As long... As... They did... Their job... Everything would be... Fine.

I smiled softly as I grabbed a razor from Armin's cabinet and sat in the bathtub, the door still open a jar. I lifted up the sleeves of my shirt and just... Started cutting. I etched the first words that came to my mind into my skin as small, crimson droplets formed and fell down my arm.

'I love you Jean' was cut messily into my arm. I smiled wider as I began to imagine Jean, how disappointed he'd be if he could see me now. I felt tears stream down my face and I started hiccuping softly. I started to furiously cut into my arm again.

_Slash_

I'm sorry...

_Slash_

I-I'm sorry...

_Slash._

I looked at my arm, my blood covered arm that had 'I'm sorry's hacked into my skin everywhere... And in the middle, 'I love you Jean' was clearly visible.

I smiled at my work and dropped the razor, my hands feeling shaky and weak as I laid back against the tub, crying to myself softly. My vision started to get blurry the same time I started feeling light headed and I closed my eyes.

 _'It's time...'_ I thought and allowed myself to slip into darkness.

***

"--ucking bastard! Open your fucking eyes, Eren!"

Was that... Jean? Was I... In Heaven?

Then I felt a hand smack my cheek until I started to open my eyes. My vision was clouded but I could still make out Jean's face. Worry, stress, and... Anger? We're present in his features and I felt my heart clench at that.

"You fucking idiot." Was what he said when I sat up and my vision became clear.

I didn't say anything. What could I say to him?

I was prepared for Jean to yell at me, to tell me how worried he was and how stupid I was for trying to do something like this. I was prepared. But... Nothing could've prepared me for what he did next.

He punched me. Right across my cheek. The blow causing me to hit my head against the wall, making me see stars. I blinked, trying to clear my vision, and once I did I looked up at Jean, mortified.

"W-Wha--"

"How fucking dare you!" Jean yelled at me and cut me off. "How dare you bring the fucking attention to yourself when you know I'm trying to find Marco! How dare you try to side track me! Just... Stop being an attention hog all the damn time and let me focus on something important for once!"

The words left me paralyzed. The only thing I could think of was one word, and that was 'no'.

_No, you've got it wrong._

_No, I-I'm not trying to be an attention hog..._

_No... Please don't say I'm not important... To you..._

...So... That's how he really feels?

I just stared at Jean blankly as tears rolled down my face. We sat their in silence for a good two minutes before I watched Armin come into the bathroom and grab Jean by his arm, looking somewhat angry at my boyfrie-- no... Jean.

They both left the bathroom, leaving me a bloody and crying mess. I may have looked bad, in my state, but, I felt worse. I felt so much worse. I felt as though Jean had just reached into my body, grabbed my heart, ripped it out and then shredded it to pieces and just hot glue gunned it back together.

I just felt... Broken.

Jean... Thinks I'm just a burden... He thinks... I'm an attention hog... He thinks... That Marco is more precious than I am... But I agree with him on the last one... I know Marco is better than me... Which is why I tried to kill myself... For Jean... For Marco and for my friends... I tried... To make them happy...

...That won't happen though... And it's never happened before... I... Have never... Been able to make the ones I loved most in the world... Happy... I'm just... A burden.

I listened to Armin yell at Jean in the hallway, and I realized that all I ever do... Is cause chaos...

It would have been better... If I hadn't been born in the first place...

I suddenly heard loud ambulance sirens parking right outside Armin's apartment and it took me a moment to realize someone had called an ambulance. No... I couldn't let them take me away... I don't know why the pills haven't killed me but... I need another way to die... But first, I need to escape.

I looked at the bathroom window and shakily got out of the tub and went for the window, opening it up and getting in a sitting pisition on the sill of it. I looked down and gulped at the height but I took and deep breath. 

"E-Eren?" I heard a small and frightened voice call from behind me and I looked around to see Armin, tears starting to well up in his eyes. "Eren... D-don't do this..." He squeaked and took a cautious step toward me.

I smiled softly at my friend but hissed a bit in pain. The spot where Jean punched me... Hurt.

"Armin... Thank you... For making me think... that I made you happy... Thank you." I smiled happily at him and... I let myself fall out of the window, right down to the pavement below.


	22. Where To Go...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Eren runs away from all the chaos, leaving his boyfriend and friends behind as he looks for somewhere he thinks he can fit in. But will Eren find a place? Or will he decide to end it once again?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm obviously a pro and writing summaries *obviously not sarcasm* bleh. Anyway, I hope you enjoyed! Bye~
> 
> Btw... I really don't ship AnniexEren especially not with Bertholdt and Reiner in the mix so I'm sorry if I screw up the pairings for people that do ship them...
> 
> Also: Eren Yeager in hot sorta steampunk clothing? Who could not love him in that?

_Run._

_Run faster._

That's what I kept telling myself as soon as I jumped out of the window and rolled across the pavement. Thankfully, the blow to the ground wasn't as bad as I thought it was, but it did leave my feet tingling and my knees aching in pain as I quickly stood up and started limping as fast as I could away.

I kept running... Until I could no longer hear the screams of Armin...

I kept running until I couldn't hear any more ambulance sirens...

I kept running until I felt like I was about to pass out, then, and only then, did I slow myself to a fast walk.

I walked until it felt like hours had passed and I realized I had somehow made it to the very bad side of town. Most of the people called this place The Slums, it was a name that suited the area very well, actually.

The buildings in the area were wrecked and long since moved out of, only homeless people and gangs hung around, and there were also secret underground bases in the sewage systems that only psychopaths would use as their base.

This was a bad place to be. Especially in my state. I just need to get out of... Actually... I should stay... Right here.

I looked around at all the folk, they were bruised and hurt and grimy... Just like how I was... It was like... I belonged with them...

I should stay here... I should stay here and rot like everyone else... I should.. Just stay... Here...

I made my way to a small abandoned alley and I immediately collapsed against a dumpster that reeked of waste and rotten meats.

This... Is where I belonged. It's where I was meant to be...

I frowned when I suddenly fealt something thick and warm roll down from my hairline to my eyelid and I wiped the liquid away with my hand. I saw blood when I looked at my hand. I realized I was bleeding from my head... But that wasn't bad, right? I mean... I could die from bloodloss ... So everything would turn out like it was supposed to... I could die... And keep Marco alive...

My vision started to get hazy and I smiled softly as I closed my eyes and let myself slip into unconsciousness...

***

"--he's actually kinda cute, right?"

Wait... What?

"Shut up, Reiner."

W-What was happening?

"C'mon, Annie. Don't be like that! He's defintely your type! Don't you think Bert? Think he's her type?"

What... Is going on?

"Reiner, p-please stop... We need to focus... I-It looks like h-he's got nightmares a-and heterochromia too... Does that mean he's one of _us_?"

One of who? What about my heterochromia? And I didn't remember having a nightmare just now...

I groaned and popped an eye open. I could tell already that I was probably in a sewer room of some sort, if the smell was anything to go by. It was also very dimly lit... It looked like it was illuminated by candles...

"He's up! Annie! Bert! What do we do?"

I opened both eyes and was about to sit up when I realized my wrists and ankles were restrained to whatever I was lying on, it felt like a bed of some sorts? All I know was that I was tied up to its metal bars, leaving me vulnerable.

My eyes widened in panic and I immediately started to struggle, tiring myself out in process but I kept struggling, scared of what might happen to me. Suddenly, a small hand pushed against my chest, and a strong push caused me to stop struggling and kept me still under the weight of it.

I looked up to see the hand belonged to a small girl who looked about the same age as me. She had blond hair that was tied back in a bun, she looked really short as well... And she also had... Heterochromia. One eye was a piercing blue, while the other was a steel gray colour.

"Calm down, idiot. We're not going to hurt you. If we wanted to, you'd already be dead." The girl spoke without any emotion, which caused a shiver to run through my body.

"Annie! You're scaring him! Aw! You made him shiver... Cute!" I took my eyes off of the girl to look over at two men.

I saw a tall, nervous, sweaty man with brown hair standing next to a broad, smirking man with blond hair. They both had heterochromia too. The blond man had one blue and one brown eye while the brunette had one brown eye and a green eye.

The blond introduced himself to me first.

"Hi. My name is Reiner and this is Bertholdt, over here..." He pointed to the sweaty man who gave a stiff wave to me before continuing. "...and the scary chick is Annie." I looked back up at the girl named Annie and she sighed as she reached up to my forehead to adjust a... Bandage? Sitting on my cut? Had they bandaged me up? My eyes glanced down at my body and I realized, indeed, they had patched me up.

My knees were wrapped in thick bandages and I wasn't as dirty as I was before... What the actual fuck was happening?

"Are you feeling better?" I was surprised to hear that coming from the girl and I looked up at her with wide eyes.

"W-Wha?" I asked

Annie sighed. "Never mind. Anyway, down to business, what's your name?"

"U-Um... Eren... Eren Yeager..." I responded hesitantly.

"Well, Eren, I'm just going to be blunt. You get nightmares about people dying, right? And then, that same person dies in real life. You get those dreams, don't you?"

Who actually were these people...? And how did they know all of this?

"H-How do you know--" I started but Annie cut me off.

"We're all the same we all get those damned nightmares too. The only reason we knew you got them too was because we found you on the street. You were talking in your sleep about how you didn't want to sleep ever again or something because you didn't want to hurt this Marco guy? Yeah."

"...Why did you take me here?" I finally asked after a few moments.

"Because." I looked at Reiner as he spoke. "We want to be a group. We don't want to be alone so we support each other... Help each other with our nightmares. We can give you the same help."

"U-Untie me and maybe I'll consider."

"No way." Annie snapped at me. "Were not going to let you go either way, so you either choose to be here on your own free will, or we force you to stay here, as our prisoner."

"N-No way..." I breathed out in disbelief, feeling frightened, but then I heard... Reiner, was it? Start laughing loudly and I looked over at him.

"Annie must really be into you if she's willing to keep you as a prisoner! Haha!" He laughed loudly and that... Reassured me a little. I looked up at Annie.

"Please untie me, it's not like so can run away, I don't even know where I am." I begged her and after a few moments she sighed and began to untie me.

My arms and legs were free in a matter of seconds and I hesitated before sitting up.

"So? Do y-you want to... Um... Y'know... Group with us?" Bertholdt asked me softly.

"Yeah! It wouldn't be bad to have another boyfriend!" Reiner laughed and I blushed.

"I-I have a boyfriend..." I mumbled and Reiners laughing instantly quieted down and silence lingered in the air.

"...He's obviously not a very good partner... If he lets his boyfriend roam around the bad part of town all scratched up and bloody." Annie said softly and I looked around at her, meeting her gaze which was focused right on me.

"We can give you all the love and attention you need to live. We can help you with your nightmares as well... You can make a living with us, instead of feeling scared and hopeless all the time. You just need to accept us." Annie continued and... It sounded so tempting. This could be a positive change in my life for once. I had thought Jean would be the one to make my life positive but... I was obviously wrong...

This... Could be the best decision... This could be good for me, I could... Finally be happy... But... I still want Jean, and my friends...

"I-I..." I hesitated,"Could I have like... A trial? Of some sorts? L-Like... Can I sorta hang out with you guys for a while? And see if... If I like it? Before I make a decision?"

I watched Annie shrug and then nod, I looked at Reiner and Bertholdt and they nodded too, to my relief.

"You have a month to decide." Annie stated. "After that, you either stay with us, or get the hell out."

"T-Thank you..." I said softly.

"Good. Now, Reiner. Get him some clothes, the ones he's currently wearing are gunna stink our base up with the smell of blood."

***

"Here you go!" Reiner exclaimed as he gave me a mountain load of clothes and he left the room, closing a steel door behind me.

For an underground sewage system... It was pretty nice... It looked like it had been cleaned and the rooms were filled with scented candles to keep the sewage stink at bay.

I looked down at the clothes and started to get dressed, instantly noting how some of the clothing looked kinda... Steampunkish? The trio had been wearing clothes that looked like it too... It looked good on them... I had to admit, no matter how comical it seemed.

I got dressed and looked at myself in a cracked body length mirror and... Sorta admired myself?

I was wearing goggles that were resting just above my forehead, pushing my bangs down so they were in front of my eyes, I was wearing a baggy, white button up shirt with a brown v-neck vest over top. I also wore simple, baggy tan trousers that were slightly puffed at my knees because of my dark brown combat boots. Yes, my combat boots were skinny and went up to my knees.

I looked... Good. I actually thought I looked good.

I jumped a bit when I heard a knock at my door and watched Annie walk in, closing the door behind her. She was carrying a bunch of stuff over to me as well.

"You look good. But I'm gunna make you look better." She stated as she dropped the stuff she was carrying on the ground and grabbed me by my collar, and undid the first button on my shirt.

She bent down and grabbed a black tie from the tangled items she had dropped and wrapped it around my neck, doing it it up properly and the flipping my collar up. Next, she grabbed a belt and tucked my white shirt into my pants but left the vest out and secured the belt to my pants, doing it up.

Annie also undid the cuff buttons on my shirt and rolled up my sleeves to wrap some white material around my the palm of my hand and all the way up my forearm on both arms. I was confused why I would need this but then she also put brown, fingerless gloves on my hands that went up to my wrists. I didn't question her, figuring it was just fashion. Annie also gave me a small pouch that had a leather strap and tied that around my waist so the pouch was hanging down on the side of my left thigh.

"There. You can officially break any person's heart now." She declared and she looked at me with a small smirk, as if admiring her handiwork.

I looked back around at the mirror and my eyes widened... I looked... Really good... At first, I didn't think that the person in the reflection was me but... It really was.

"...Eren. I know you aren't used to this stuff yet, but if you're going to have a trial to see if you'll stay with us or not, you're going to have to learn about how we survive and stuff. So..." Annie stopped for a moment to put on a leather... Holster? around my waste. Finally, she reached into the back pocket of her baggy pants and put a pistol in the holster, and my eyes widened.

"No one said surviving was easy... We only use guns if we have to. So I'm gunna have to teach you self defence sometime." Annie explained and I calmed down a bit, but just a bit.

"Well, I should probably show you around. C'mon, we got a lot to cover in a month." Annie said and she grabbed my hand as she lead me out of the room.


	23. I'll Find You...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A bit of Jean's POV in this chapter, not much and then it goes back to Eren and Annie.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Slight Jean POV. Eren is fucking hopeless. Anyway, hope you enjoyed! Bye~

_Jean_

"Eren!" My eyes widened as I heard Armin scream a bloodcurdling scream and I ran to the bathroom as fast as I could, only to see Armin on the floor crying.

I ran to his side and wrapped my arms around him, my eyes scanning the room for Eren, but I couldn't find him.

"A-Armin... Calm down... Where's--" Armin cut me off halfway.

"H-He jumped out the window! He... He jumped!"

I felt fear over take me as I lunged at the window and looked out of it, my blood running cold as I watched Eren limp down the street as fast as he could. I felt tears come to my eyes when I realized he was leaving a trail of blood droplets behind him.

Fuck! This was all my fault! If only... If only I hadn't said those things! What the actual fuck is wrong with me. I know it wasn't him who made Marco disappear... So why was I taking my anger out on him?! I know he's sensitive! I know he takes things seriously! So why would I say... He's not important to me?

I heard Armin leave to talk to the ambulance medics that were banging on our door and I started to cry.

Was I going to lose both Marco and Eren?

I had a decision to make; one, continue to try to find Marco which may take years, or, go find Eren before he kills himself which may take days.

The choice was obvious, now that I thought about it.

I was going to go after the person who meant the most to me.

 _Eren..._ Please wait for me...

***

I woke up the next morning in my own bed in my own apartment. Was it... All just a dream?

I started to feel relieved as I looked over beside me but my smile started to fade when I realized Eren wasn't at my side.

I had had the best boyfriend I could have ever asked for... And I just threw him away... As if he were just trash...

No, I need to find him, I need to get my fucking act together and search for him. And I won't fucking stop looking until I find him.

I got out of bed and got dressed, running out of my apartment and onto the streets to search... Well... Everywhere. As long as I know he's still missing, I won't stop searching.

***

_Eren_

"A-Annie..." I started, "Why do I need a gun?"

"Because." Annie responded as she lead me down the maze of sewage tunnels. "There are bad folk that'll kill you on the spot or may rape you since you have a pretty face. Most of those people are in mafias and gangs, people you really don't wanna mess with."

"W-Why would t-they do that?"

"Who knows. They love taking advantage over the weak. Especially one gang. They call themselves the Military Police. It's led by a bastard named Nile Dawk. He's known for sexual assault and pretty much anything else you can think of."

I stopped walking and Annie did so as well, looking around at me. I guess she could see how pale I was going because she sighed and took my hand, kissing the back of it softly. I blushed at her action and pulled my hand away from her.

She smirked at me and said,"Don't worry, I don't let anyone touch what's mine. Especially not some fancy homeless guy."

"...I'm not yours..." I mumbled. "I have a boyfriend..."

"Yeah! Obviously a very shitty one. Does your boyfriend even care about you? I mean, he obviously didn't follow you while you were hurt. That's a big clue to saying he doesn't give a living shit."

Annie's cruel words brought tears to my eyes and I started crying as she finished. I know she made up the words... I know that was just what she assumed but... I couldn't help feeling they were true... Why didn't Jean run after me? The way he runs after Marco? He's the one... That wanted this relationship... Maybe... He was just playing with me...

I heard a loud sigh come from Annie's direction and I looked up at her to see she was walking closer to me. When she was standing only a few inches away from my body, she reached her hand up and tangled it in the hair on the back of my head. She then pulled my head down to her height and she... She kissed me...

It felt nothing like when Jean kissed me but... It felt... Good. It felt warm and sweet... And possessive... As if she were truly claiming me... Like she wanted to keep me safe with her... And I did feel safe.

Annie pulled away after a few seconds and looked me dead in the eyes, her grip in my hair not faltering. "Sorry, I didn't want to make you cry." She said softly and I blushed at her words.

I felt something overtake me and the next thing I knew, I was reaching up to pull Annie's face back to mine and I kissed her. She immediately started to kiss me back and I felt the same security I had felt just a second ago again. It felt... Like I wasn't alone.

I moaned softly when Annie pushed me up against a nearby wall while she forced her tongue inside my mouth. For such a tiny girl... She was really strong and dominant, which worked for me since I was used to submitting.

The small girl caught me off guard when she pushed her knee between my legs and pushed it hard against my crotch. I moaned loudly and felt my cock twitching already as she rubbed me with her knee.

She broke the kiss to smirk at me and say,"You're sensitive to pain? I'll remember that." And with those words, her body left mine.

"W-Wha?" I started but Annie spoke.

"We have stuff to cover and people to see, I don't have time to fool around with you, unfortunately. Maybe later though." Annie hinted and I felt my face turn red again.

"...Okay." I said softly and followed her once more as she lead me around the sewage rooms, listing where she slept and the room Reiner and Bertholdt shared. She then showed me the exists, there being three in total. To be honest, I didn't remember where a single thing was after her tour but I decided not to mention it as she lead me up the sewage ladder, up to the surface where the moon was high and proud in the sky.

"Why are we going up?" I asked softly, hesitantly following Annie up.

"You have your first job tonight. Hunting down a gang."

I nearly fell off the ladder at that point and started freak out. "W-what are you talking about?!"

Annie didn't speak until we reached the surface and then she turned to stare at me seriously. She calmly told me,"This is what we do. We all get nightmares, that kill people, so our group tries to make up for that by killing worse people that threaten others. It's stupid, but it's what helps is cope with killing innocents. We take out bad people, to protect others to the best of our abilities. Now, are you going to help me or not?"

K-Kill? Did she just say they kill bad people? No...

I stared at my feet for a while before nodding in agreement. "F-Fine... But I'm not killing anyone."

"Good enough for me." Was Annie's response and she grabbed my hand as she lead me down the alleyway.

***

_Jean_

I took my car five times around town until I got to 'The Slums', praying Eren wouldn't be in this part of town... But if he was... I had to check to make sure.

I just... Needed to fucking find him. I needed to find the damn bastard who stole my heart. I needed to find him and tell him that I was sorry for everything I had said and done to him.

I needed to find him.

So when I passed an alleyway and thought I saw Eren with a blond girl, I started flipping out as I stepped on the breaks to my car and jumped our, running to where I had just seen him.

When I ran into the alleyway, however, he was nowhere in sight. Was I going crazy? Was I so deprived that I was starting to imagine Eren?

I was losing hope and started heading back to the car when I heard voices? Faint and barely audible, but still there. Stupidly, I decided to follow the voices and ran a few metres before turning a corner. I really wish I hadn't because... What I saw shook me to the bone.

I saw Eren and a blond girl talking with five, muscular men at gunpoint. I saw the scared expression on Eren's face and it broke my heart. I needed to save him, I needed to get him away from this girl and those men.

I took a step closer towards the scene but I instantly regretted that when two of the five guys spotted me, bringing the attention to me.

"Kill him!" One of the men shouted and pointed a gun at me , but the blond stepped in the way of the gun as the guy shot, the bullet hitting her shoulder. I stood there, in shock as I watched her wheeze and fall to one knee as Eren got to his knees to hold her in his arms.

What... Was happening? What the heck was going on? How did... Eren get in this mess. Just as I thought I was going to die, a blond man and a brunette jumped down from the buildings?! And shot the five men in under five seconds. They were all head shots... I just... Witnessed murder?

I was paralyzed in fear as the brunette took Annie from Eren's grasp and the blond helped Eren up.

"S-sorry you had to see that, Eren... Annie gets shot a lot so y-you really don't have to u-um worry..." The brunette responded, looking nervous and sweaty as he carried the blond girl, Annie, off.

"See, Eren? This is the life! We kill innocent people in our sleep, but we make up for it by killing bad people while we're at it! And then we get to fuck!" The blond guy laughed loudly and I saw Eren blush, and heard him say,"Annie said she'd do stuff with me later possibly..."

The blond laughed loudly again and said,"That'll have to wait until she gets that bullet removed. Until then... Wanna play with me?" I felt my jealously raising and I started to get angry. How could Eren discard me after just a day?! How could he?!

I started to run at Eren and the blond piece of trash but the said trash guy raised his gun and pointed it at me as he grabbed Eren and pushed him behind his back.

"Take one more step, and I'll kill you on the spot!" The blond warned and I scowled, despite being scared.

"Don't touch my boyfriend!" I yelled at the bastard and the blond guy looked really confused.

"Boyfriend?" The guy barely asked before Eren pushed past him to look at me his eyes wide and unbelieving.

"J-Jean?" I saw tears start to well in his eyes. "Why did you... Why did you come here? Why would... You come after me?"

"Eren..." I said, relieved he was okay. "Eren... I'm sorry... I'm so sorry that I hurt you and... Hit you... And said you weren't important..." I felt my own tears in my eyes. "I love you so much and you're the most important person in my life, you can't just... Walk away and expect me not to search for you... So..." I took a deep breath,"Let's go home?"

I saw Eren smile softly and then look at the blond who just shrugged and said,"Cone back when you want to complete your trial." And he just left after that, leaving Eren and me standing there.

Two seconds passed and Eren ran at me and jumped into my already opened arms. I kissed him all over his face, holding him close and tight, as if I were to let go... He would disappear forever..

"Eren... I'm s-sorry.." I whispered as I finally let my tears fall down my face. "I'm so sorry...

***

_Eren_

_"I'm so sorry..."_

I wrapped my arms tighter around Jean as he said he was sorry over and over again until he was only mumbling words that didn't even sound human.

I smiled and hugged him tightly, tangling my hand in his hair to kiss him on the mouth softly.

This man just keeps... Bringing me to him, it seems. It's as if he's a magnet. No matter what, I just keep being drawn into him, unable to keep myself from running back into his arms at any chance I got.

This... I know for certain...

Jean... Will be the death of me. And I embrace that.

If I was going to die... I'd want to die... By his hands.


	24. Cocky Shit...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The moment everyone has been waiting for... Jean's reaction to Eren's clothes! Also, Eren is becoming more... Canon!Eren is how I'll put it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay so I'm going to Whistler for a bit so I won't be able to update soon so here's a short cute, semi smutty chapter?? Hope this'll suffice? Anyway, hope you enjoyed! Bye~

"Hey, Eren."

I looked up at Jean when he addressed me. We were riding in his car back to his apartment and he hadn't said a word the whole ride so far.

"Y-Yeah?" I asked nervously, shifting in my seat.

"Where'd you get those clothes?"

Shit. I had totally forgotten that I had these clothes on. Shit, Jean sounded mad...

"I-I'm sorry... I just... I-I needed to just--"

I cut off as Jean suddenly made a sharp turn and parked in a small, deserted parking lot and my eyes widened.

"J-Jean I'm sorry..." I said desperately, thinking he was going to kick me out of his car but to my surprise, he said something else.

"Teasing me in that outfit... You're so fucking unfair... Get on my lap." Jean demanded as he pushed his seat back all the way, giving me room to get on him.

I blushed and hesitated before crawling over to sit on his lap. I moaned when he suddenly pushed him seat forward, causing our crotches to press up against each other.

"J-Jean..." I moaned softly, wrapping my arms around his neck. "I thought you were mad..."

"Hell no... You're so fucking hot in these... I'm never letting you take them off..." He growled as he bit my neck.

"Ahh... Steampunk flips your switch?" I smirked and watched as he rolled his eyes.

"Your dirty talk needs improvement though..." I laughed when he said that and I leaned down to kiss him softly.

"Mmm... I love you... I love you..." I whispered and I felt Jean smile.

"I love you too... Don't you forget that..." Jean responded and he leaned up to kiss me and I smiled.

I felt... Really happy.

Jean had come after me and proved that I actually was important to him... I loved it. I loved being spoiled by him I just... Loved everything about him. It... It'll kill me when I lose all this...

But... Let's not think about that now.

"What're you thinking?" Jean mumbled against my lips and I forced a smile.

"Nothing, now hurry up and do something before I get bored." I responded, smirking and pushed my hips against Jean's, causing a moan to slip from his lips.

"When'd you get so cocky?" Jean asked but he seemed... To like it? He smirked at me and I blushed. Usually when we do things like this... He's tender and loving and I just take it all, I don't talk back or anything so saying stuff like that was new for me. Does he... Like it? I... Actually I like it, speaking like we're equals... Feels natural, because we are...

"I've always been like this, just needed a guy to release it. Now are you gunna make me wait? Or can we continue?" I smiled and he growled as he started attacking my neck again while his right hand suddenly pushed up against my crotch.

"A-Ah! That's it..." I smirked when Jean bit my neck hard.

"I'm the one in control here, Jeager. So fucking sit still and moan like dog."

My eyes widened. Jean's words... They... Sent a shiver up my spine... They excited me and I felt something snap within me. I had the urge to just... Have complete control over Jean.

Without thinking, I grabbed Jean's shirt collar and pulled his face inches away from mine.

"Listen here, Horseface." I growled. "I'm not gunna just let you have control over me, fight for it, bastard. And if you don't..." I smiled mischievously,"Then, I'll take control over you."

Jean looked at me wide eyed in what I presumed was a shocked expression, not uttering a word. After a few seconds I started to get worried that I had gone too far and I loosened my grip on his collar.

"...Fuck." Jean finally spoke up. "Where the hell have you been all this time..." Is what he uttered before grabbing my wrists and pinning them above my head, a wicked smirk crossing his features. "I'm not going to fucking lose to you."

I smirked at Jean but my eyes widened when he started rubbing me through my pants and then pulled down my fly, pulling my cock out.

I hissed as my swollen cock hit the cold air. "F-Fuck..."

Jean started stroking me, playing with my slit, fondling my balls until I was about to come and then, as warmth was suddenly pooling into my stomach, his hands were gone, except the one that was holding my hands above my head.

I whimpered as I wiggled my hips desperately, trying to cum but I couldn't.

"Put your hands back on." I growled biting my bottom lip hard.

"Beg for it, then I'll give you what you want." Jean said casually flicking my cock hard.

"Ah! F-fuck you..." I groaned, a few tears entering my eyes but I remained obstinate, glaring at Jean.

"Fine, then I won't let you cum." Was all he said before he grabbed my pants with his free hand and pull them off along with my boots somehow. I growled at him when he used my pants to tie my hands above my head, tying them up to the rear view mirror.

"Suck." Jean ordered as he held three fingers out in front of my face. I wanted to disobey him but... He's probably make me wait longer so I took his fingers into my mouth and sucked on them, trying to coat them all in my saliva.

A few minutes later, Jean snatched his fingers from my mouth and lifted my ass, pushing a finger into me. After I had adjusted, he put another finger in and then another until he seemed me ready enough.

He removed his fingers and opened his pants to pull his dick out. He smirked at me and I blushed as I watched him spit in his hand and start jerking himself off, covering his length in saliva.

He lined his dick up with my entrance and pushed the tip in but stopped.

"Move." I told him.

"Beg me." Was his response and I rolled my eyes. Like hell. I pushed my hips down hard and groaned as I fully took in Jean's cock.

"Shit... Eren...." Jean gasped and I smirked, riding Jean as fast as I could. All too soon I felt warmth pool in my stomach again and I told Jean I was going to cum. Bad mistake. Jean grabbed my cock again, preventing me from coming.

"Ahh... H-Hurts..." I moaned but Jean knew I was sensitive to pain so he just squeezed harder, causing me to call out. "Jean! Ah! L-let go!"

Jean started thrusting into me mercilessly and my cock started twitching at the pain of not being able to come.

"Beg me." Jean growled and kissed my neck.

The pleasure was becoming unbearable so... So I begged.

"P-please! L-let me come! Ah! Oh please!"

I could hear the smirk in Jean's voice.

"That's a good boy." Was all he said as he released my dick and thrust into me until we both screamed out in pleasure, coming over each others' stomachs.


	25. The Broken Man...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Eren feels the need to confront Jean and learns something he never wanted to know. Eren is also visited by someone he really needed to see and is in the position again where he's deciding whether he should end it or not.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ahhhh were getting so close to the ultimate shit fest!!! I'd treasure any fluffy moments if I were you D:  
> Also there may not be another chapter in a long while because I unfortunately have softball provincials to attend to so... Yeah...  
> Anyway, hope you enjoyed! Bye~
> 
> P.S: Sorry for the cliffhanger :0

"Do you need anything? Babe?" I sighed when Jean asked me that for the third time since we stepped into his apartment.

He knew I was worried about something and I knew he was worried about me.

I wanted to tell him...well... Everything.

I wanted to tell him that Marco was dead because of me. I wanted to tell him that I had dreamed of all of my family and friends. I wanted to tell him I was scared for their lives and I... I needed him to hold me and support me while I went through this.

But... I won't get that from him. Once he figures out I had killed Marco, he wouldn't think twice before killing me on the spot.

That... Was the thing about Jean. He had said he doesn't have a likeable personality which I agreed with, considering our first meeting was us screaming at each other and bickering. That being said, that meant Jean had a hard time keeping friends, let alone making them. Marco... Was like his brother, a kind person that balanced Jean and kept him composed and stopped him from doing stupid things.

Without Marco... I wouldn't have been able to meet Jean at all.

It seemed the freckled boy was the centre of everything, even though he was just a normal guy and nothing really stood out about him, except his freckles. Marco seemed to he the person who caused everything in Jean's life... That is, until he found me.

But now that that person was removed from Jean's life... Who was there to keep him stable? That's probably why he hit me and called me unimportant. He didn't have Marco there to keep him calm and to keep him thinking...

It were as though... Marco was the nucleus and Jean was the cell. Marco controlled everything that kept Jean himself. Once the control was gone, Jean was a rogue cell, fighting with himself to determine what was right and what was wrong.

"Eren, please just... Speak, do something. You haven't looked at me or talked to me since we got out of the car!" Jean sounded desperate now. Well, of he wants me to talk to him... I will.

"...Why'd you go after me? And not Marco?" I was pretty sure I knew the reason, but I needed confirmation. No matter how much it hurt both of us, I needed to discuss this. I needed to know that... If I do tell Jean about... Killing Marco... I needed to know how'd he react, even though I had a good idea of what he would do.

"...Why... Why are you asking me now? Look, we both had a stressful day and I think it's just better if we forget and go to--"

"Forget? Forget what? We forget that Marco may be out there somewhere?" I turned to face Jean, watching all his emotions cross his face. I needed to drive him on, to get a reaction of what he'll do to me when and if I tell him.

"Eren, stop." Jean seethed, his face unreadable but his eyes gave him away. He looked hurt and angry.

"No. I'm not going to stop. I need to know why one moment your going after Marco and then the next you're going after me! When I told you Marco had gone missing I was scared of you! You were practically strangling me! I know you were angry and scared for Marco... But I wasn't in that great of a state either! I was freaked out just as much as you were!" As I said all this I felt a little bit of pressure lift off of me. Was this... Relief? I think... It was because I was finally giving Jean a piece of my mind, finally. I had been holding back for his sake for so long... But... I needed to tell him exactly how I felt.

"You didn't comfort me! You didn't even attempt to ask if I was okay!" I felt tears start to come to my eyes but I didn't cry, I didn't want to. I needed to be strong here. "Then you left me with Armin, who was also grieving, to sit at his house while you went out for hours going who knows where! You left me listening to Armin cry and share stories of him and Marco until he passed out from crying! You just... Left me."

"...E-Eren... I--" Jean started but I wasn't going to let him talk, not when I had developed the courage to go this far, I wasn't going to let him burn me out.

"No! Just listen to me!" I was yelling but I didn't care. "I'm suicidal as fuck, and you put up with that. But the one time I really needed you there to put up with it, you were fed up. I woke up in a pool of my own blood and you... You fucking slapped me..." I started choking up at this part but still kept my tears at bay. "You... Fucking called me unimportant, you fucking bastard... You also called me an attention hog, and I know I get a lot of attention, but it's not like I try to! Do you think I had intended to stay alive when you found me in the tub? I wanted to end it! I _needed_ it to end! But God fucking hates me obviously because whoop-de-do! I'm still fucking here after hundreds of attempts at suicide!"

I took a breath and continued, talking softer this time. "When you found me, I didn't know what to expect. I guess, I was so used to you being there and comforting me, that... I wasn't used to you... Hating me. I wasn't used to that. I felt like you had just... Ripped my heart to fucking shreds and ran the pieces over with a bus. And that, hurt me more than anything I've ever done to my body. It hurt more than all the cuts and bruises I made combined. And it was all because of Marco. You got mad because I took the attention from his situation and brought it to me. I've always known he was important to you..." My eyes widened as I finally realized something and I let what I was thinking flow out through my mouth."And I realized you were in love with Marco this whole time." I looked up at Jean with wide eyes, not believing the words I had said, but the look on Jean's face proved it.

My blood ran cold as I felt my heart being ripped all over again.

Jean... Had loved Marco this whole time... Not just as best friends... Not just as brothers... But more than that... He had wanted Marco to be his lover, he wanted him from the very beginning.

There was just silence in the air. And that was driving me nuts. The silence.

Jean didn't say anything, why wasn't he saying anything? He should be saying I was wrong! That I was the one he loved from the very beginning!

"Say something!" I yelled at him, finally letting my tears flow. "T-Tell me I'm wrong! You should be saying that you loved _me_ from the very beginning!" I let out wrecked sobs as I stared at Jean in horror.

"You... Do you still love him..?" I cried on and then it dawned on me as I stared wide eyed at Jean again, my body feeling completely filled with utter terror. "...Did you... Just use me... To make Marco jealous?" I whispered the words but I knew Jean heard me because he looked away from me to look at the ground. Silent. He just... Kept silent.

I was hurting. It felt worse than back at Armin's place. It felt a million times worse than having my heart ripped out. It felt, like I was dying. I felt sick and light headed and I felt my blood run cold, in fact, I couldn't really breathe either.

I felt... Like a walking corpse.

My feet reacted before my brain had even caught up. I started running and I pushed past Jean to exit his apartment. I could hear him calling out for me, I could hear him running down after me but... He was no match. Not while I was in the state I was in.

I got out the door and ran out into the fresh air of the outdoors, but I kept running, I kept running even though my vision was blurred because of my tears. I kept running... Until I felt that I had gotten away.

***

I was sitting in an alleyway for the second time today, my tears still flowing and seeming endless.

I just felt... So... Betrayed. And broken, and... Just done.

I smiled at myself a bit. The Broken Man... That suited me. It really did...

I stared at the building wall across from me, even when I saw someone sneaking up in me out of the corner of my eye. I didn't care. Whatever they wanted, they could have it.

"You look like shit." My eyes widened when I heard that familiar stone cold voice again. I looked up at see Annie, standing over me with a worried look on her face.

I let more tears flow as I gave her a small, pathetic smile.

"Annie... I think... I'm broken." I sobbed and I hugged my knees to my chest and buried my face into my knees.

I wanted to die... I wanted everything to just... End. I was tired of being hurt over and over... I just... Needed... To end...

I felt Annie sit next to me. I expected her to tell me to toughen up or something but instead... She wrapped her arms around me and I looked up in shock to see her holding me securely in her arms. This brought more tears to my eyes and I jumped on her, crying as I wrapped my arms around her waist.

"Kill me." I begged her. "Please... Kill me... I... I want to die... I want to end this... Please..." I looked up at her desperately. "Please..."

Annie stared at me, I couldn't tell what she was thinking. My breath hitched when she brought out her handgun though.

"Are you sure?" She asked me softly, putting her other hand on my cheek.

I started crying harder than I thought was possible. I put my face underneath her chin and I just... Cried. I kept crying and crying until I eventually nodded my head. I just... wanted the pain to go away...

I felt Annie press the end of the gun to my temple and I squeaked when she did, causing her to hesitantly pull the gun back a bit.

"I-is it going to h-hurt?" I whispered, holding onto Annie tightly, my fists clenched into the back of her shirt.

"...It'll hurt for just a second." Annie said softly, pressing the gun back up to my temple.

I hesitated before leaning up to kiss Annie. She looked shocked and I smiled at her softly. "Thank you."

With that, I took my spot back under her chin and clenched my eyes shut, feeling the gun, once again, be pressed to my temple.

"Count to three." Annie whispered. Did... Her voice just crack?

I took a deep breath before starting to count.

_"One..."_

_"Two..."_

_"...Three."_


	26. Shit's Going Down...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Surprise??

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hahaha... Uh... Sorry for the wait? I dunno I kinda procrastinated because I wasn't happy with this chapter so it's kinda short :/ Anyway I hope you enjoyed! Bye~

...I didn't hear anything...

I didn't hear the loud bang of a gunshot...

Was I dead? No... I defintely wasn't.... So why... Did Annie not pull the trigger?

"I'm sorry..." I looked up when Annie spoke. I wish I hadn't, because the look on Annie's face made it unbearable for me to look at her.

"I'm sorry..." She said again. "But... I can't!" She suddenly yelled and threw her gun to the other end of the alleyway.

"A-Annie?" She was mad, and I didn't know why. She looked like she wanted to kill somebody, and although she was small, I knew she was perfectly capable of doing just that. And knowing that just made the look on her face that much more scary.

"Fuck... Just..." She sighed and the grabbed me by my cheeks, looking me dead in the eyes.

"Listen, Eren." Annie started. "You, need to learn how to fight. Not just physically but mentally as well! Look, I'm not good at talking to people so I'll keep this short and blunt. You need to stop with the suicide, as hard as I know that'll be, it's not worth it. You want to die because of a jackass? That repeatedly keeps tossing you around? It's not worth it, if he really did love you, he wouldn't be putting you through so much pain." I felt myself start to cry again at her words.

"But... But it's not fair!" I cried and pushed myself away from her, feeling angry and confused. "I-I was the only one who was in love! I... He... Why can't... I just love someone... And not be hurt... It's just not fair!" I yelled and I looked up at Annie only to see her smile softly at me.

"That look... Suits you." She nodded approvingly and I frowned. "Angry. Being angry suits you. You may not know it but you do have a fighting spirit. You're just... Holding it back for some reason. But when you get really angry, you release it momentarily." My eyes widened slightly and I scooched back when Annie started crawling over to me. "I... Want to unleash your fighting spirit. I think I can make you what you really are suppose to be. That is... If you'll let me."

"W-What are you talking about?! Annie... Stop! You're... Really scaring me..." She really was, actually. I just... Didn't get what she was saying...

"Eren. Listen to me. I'm going to give this to you straight; you submit too easily." She said as she crawled over to me and sat at my side. Annie reached up to cup my cheeks. "I want you... To try to fight submitting to people. Because that could be the way to bring out your... True self. The fighter I know you can be. I had to change as well, and now, I'm me." She gave me another rare soft smile. "Plus, I like a fight."

The... True me? What did that mean I'm already myself? To be honest, I had no clue what Annie was trying to get at but... Changing... Sounded good to me. If I could change... Maybe I wouldn't get hurt all the damn time?

"...How... How can I learn to fight?" I finally asked.

I blushed when Annie leaned in real close to me, right until our faces were inches apart.

"Fight me." She whispered and then pushed me up against the building wall and kissed me hard, pushing her tongue into my mouth.

The kiss... I didn't like it. It made me feel scared and confused... I didn't get what Annie was talking about and I was certainly confused and heartbroken over the Jean situation... I needed Annie to stop. I... Don't want to rush into any more relationships...

I pushed Annie away from me and stood up. I looked down at the blond before speaking. "I can't... Do this stuff with you... After all, I still have a boyfriend until he legit breaks up with me."

The smirk on Annie's face chilled me to the bone, she looked fucking terrifying.

"You'll come around eventually." Annie responded and I felt anger flicker inside of me. She didn't know me... So why was she saying things she couldn't predict? I... I don't want other people making decisions for me... It was like when Jean told me I'd become his boyfriend... And I did. But look where that got me.

 _I_ wanted to be the one to choose how to live my life, I wanted to live my way...

"Don't... Predict what I'll do... I'll be the one to choose... My fate..." I mumbled softly. Out of the corner of my eye I saw Annie stand up and the she walked up to me.

"I'm sorry, Eren. I know you're going through shit but I honestly think you're in better hands with me. You don't need Jean, you can just need Bert, Reiner and I." I heard Annie say emotionlessly and... This just got me even angrier.

I looked up with angry eyes at the blank faced girl, I pushed her up against the side of a building and scowled.

"What the fuck is wrong with you. Did you just assume that I was that sad and pitiful to only have one person in my life who I love? I have an adopted brother and an adopted sister. I also have friends that I cherish very much and they treat me like family, like my best friend Armin--" my eyes widened as I was going to mention Marco in there... But Marco... Was dead...

I guess Annie could see the shock in my face because she started shaking me until I snapped out of my trance.

"I... Also had Armin's boyfriend... Marco... I didn't know him too well but... He was kind to everyone around him... He was cute compassionate and basically a born leader although he didn't stand out too much..."

"...You're talking about him in past tense, Eren."

"It's because... He's dead. He got killed... In my nightmare... At least I believe so... He actually went missing in the nightmare.... And now he's missing in real life... It... Also doesn't help that he was best friends with Jean and Jean also... Thought of Marco as more than friends..." I couldn't help it. I started crying. I fell against Annie and she wrapped her arms around me, keeping me up so that I wouldn't fall.

"Eren, you need to just forget about the nightmares and not blame yourself. It's not like... We can control them..." Shit, I forgot Annie and the rest had nightmares too.

I smiled softly and realized that... I had been grieving Marco's death for days even though... I didn't know whether he was alive or not.

"You're... Right... I just... No one has seen or heard from him and it's... As though he has disappeared into thin air..."

"...What does he look like?" Annie asked me and she sighed when she saw my confused face. "I'll ask around to see if anyone has seen him or made contact with him."

Her effort wasn't going to be enough to find Marco, I knew that, but it didn't hurt to let her help.

I sighed shakily and started describing Marco. "He... Has dark hair and brown eyes... He's about half a head shorter than Reiner... And... Fuck he just looks average... Oh, and he has tons of freckles all over him."

"Holy shit..." I heard Annie curse and I frowned at her.

"What?" I asked her softly and she shook her head, grabbing my hand after a few seconds.

"Holy shit... Come with me." She said as she kept dragging me along, pulling me down a sewage pipe down to her base I still had yet to figure out the directions to.

I didn't say anything, confused as to why Annie was bringing me here, but when she shoved me into a small room with just a single bed off to the side, I finally realized why she had brought me here.

One body occupied the small bed. The person was alive and breathing, their chest still rising and falling even though they were badly hurt, obvious given the amount of blood that was soaking through their bandages that were wrapped all over the body.

I didn't know whether to feel relief or terror when I recognized just who it was.

Before me, lay the one person who was the cause of the mess I was in.

_Marco Bodt._


	27. Short Chapter To Talk With The Bae's Family...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jean talks to Mikasa, Levi, and Armin... About losing Eren... Twice...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wasn't looking forward to write this chapter and I'm very displeased with how short it is but kinda wanted to catch up on Mikasa and them... So... Jean POV! Anyway, I hope you enjoyed! Bye~

"Let me get this straight... First... You made my brother jump out from Armin's apartment window... He ran away... You found him somehow... Then you had sex with him... And then you made him run away again? All that happened to my brother in less than a day?" I looked nervously at Mikasa in front of me, her expression growing darker by the second. I defintely didn't have the balls to look around to face Levi at this point either... "You're just telling us this now?! What the fuck is your problem?" Mikasa practically growled at me and... I knew I deserved it.

To be honest, I think I deserved a lot worse... Because it was true that I had used Eren to try to get closer to Marco but... It seemed to have the opposite affect. I seemed to be getting closer to Eren and farther away from Marco but, I was happy it turned out that way because I do love Eren. I love him more than anyone and I love him more than Marco. I mean, of course I still have feelings for Marco but... In my eyes, Eren is the most important person to me... 

"You fucking shitty pig." I heard Levi speak from behind me and he suddenly punched me across my jaw, the blow causing me to fall to my knees and see stars. Out of the corner of my eyes I could see Armin crying and Mikasa sitting besides him, hugging him and whispering soft things to him.

"It's all my fault..." I heard Armin cry softly, "I passed out when Eren was upset... I knew he was upset... But I didn't ask him b-because I was sad about M-Marco... N-now Eren... Now he's..." I heard Armin choke up and I felt guilty. I hated Armin thinking he was responsible for Eren running away when I was the who had obviously caused this.

"C'mon, Mushroom. It's not your fault, you shouldn't be crying." I heard Levi say softly and I finally saw him walking up to Armin before he continued. "Its the fucking Horseface's fault. He's the one that can't fucking keep a boy happy."

_Ouch._

Fuck... If there were an award for _"The Worst a Boyfriend of the Year"_ , I would defintely be awarded with it... Fuck I just... Want to find Eren and set things right.

"Not going to say anything about that, Shitface?" I looked up at Levi and scowled at him. I soon received a quick kick to my face, I felt blood running down from my nose. "Say something before I kick it out of your worthless ass."

"... Fuck... You... Look... I know I'm the shittiest boyfriend Eren could have ever gotten himself but... Fuck... I love him. I fucking love him and I'm not going to give up." Levi seemed to consider my words but he kicked me in the face again. I tasted blood.

"I'm going to look for Eren around town. Mikasa, go with Armin and check around the neighbourhood to see if Eren comes back. Shitface. Stay out of my way." Levi seethed at me and I growled at him.

"...You're going to need me." I spoke up.

Levi scowled. "Why the fuck would I need you?"

"Because I'm the only one who knows who Eren is most likely with."

Silence filled the room and finally I heard Armin speak up, his voice cracking softly. " _With?_ "

I sighed softly and shook my head. "He... I found him with a small blond girl earlier... She coerced him into joining a gang or something? He was... Dressed in her style if clothing and... I don't know... I found them in a stand off with these other guys and the girl got shot... Eren was okay though and that's when I brought him back but he left me again..."

"...You really are useless. You fucking tell us this now... Fucking... Where did you see them last?" Levi was sounding even angrier than before.

"They... Were in the southern part of The Slums."

"...Get your asses into my car. We're going on a road trip." Levi whispered and walked out of the room, Mikasa and Armin following close behind.

It took Jean a few moments before going after them.


	28. Goodbye Old Eren... Hello, New Eren...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jean is still a fucking asshole but Eren will learn how to fight for himself.. No matter what sick methods.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ummm basically ultimate shit fest is coming in for a landing.. Like this chapter is the beginning of it... Anyway, I hope you enjoyed! Bye~

"...Marco..." That's all I could say as I stared at the man... The person who was the cause of why my life was slowly turning to chaos... He... Was right here...

"Oh... God... Marco..." I started smiling softly. He was right here. I had him right here... I felt my smile slowly fade. He still wasn't safe from me... But the least I could do was bring him back to Jean... So they could be happy for a little whole until... I finally killed Marco.

"Fuck... Annie... Can you help me bring him home? Everyone is so fucking worried about him..."

"I can't move him, Eren. He's really injured badly and moving him around will worsen his condition. He needs to rest until he's properly healed." Was the response from the blond I got. I ripped my gaze away from Marco to look at Annie.

"What... Happened to him?" A shrug was all I got.

"I found him passed out on the street like this. My guess is that he was hit with a car and the driver took off.

My eyes widened and I pulled out my cellphone. "Oh my fucking god! I need to call 911 or someone he needs to be looked at--" I cut off as Annie snatched my phone up from my hand and closed it as she put it in her pant pocket.

"If you call 911, they'll not only arrest me, they'll arrest you and this kid here. Police don't care about people from the slums. They just assume we've committed crimes and arrest us any chance they get." Annie explained with a shrug.

"...Let me at least call my brother to pick Marco up... He can take him to the hospital then..." I sayed softly, just wanting Marco to get some medical attention quickly.

"What about you? Are you going to go with your brother?" Annie asked me.

"...Yes. I need to make sure... Marco will be okay..." I met Annie's eyes and she shrugged, tossing my phone back to me.

"Hurry up then." She said as she turned around and started walking away but she stopped just as she reached the door to the room, not looking back at me even once. "...You're always welcome here. Remember that." Annie just walked away after that.

I dialled Levi quickly and the phone rang twice before he finally picked up.

"Where the fuck are you, brat?" Was the first thing I heard and I smiles softly. 

"I'm in the slums in an underground sewage system. I have Marco with me. Can... You pick us up?"

"What the fuck... Holy shit go up to the surface and tell me what street you're on... Tch, your shitty ass boyfriend wants to talk to you, tell him what street your on." Before I could object, I heard Levi pass his phone to Jean and there was just silence.

"...Eren?" Jean sounded hesitant.

"...Yeah. It's me." I said bitterly, feeling anger start to swell inside me. I was mad at Jean, okay. I had every fucking reason to be. I love this bastard, yes, but I couldn't stop myself from being angry at him at the same time, I mean, he's hurt me so much...

"Listen... Eren, I--" Hell no. If he thought he could try to worm his way out of his position by acting sorry to me, he was fucking mistaken.

"Marco's fine." I snapped at Jean and he shut up. "So now that you've found him and all that shit you can finally be happy and what-not and get the fuck out of my fucking life." No... I didn't want Jean out of my life, at all. But I... I think that it's best we don't see each other anymore... For the rest of our lives honestly...That is most defintely, the only way I'll ever truly find peace.

"N-no! Eren, please listen--"

"Fuck you! I've given you plenty of chances to talk to me! But you just... Don't... Just... We're over. Were over, okay?" I said that as I made my way out of the sewage, finding a street sign while trying not to cry.

"I'm on Titan Street. I'll be waiting." I said quietly and then hung up. I felt tears start to well in my eyes but I fought them back. I need... To fight. It was as Annie said; I needed to learn how to fight, in order to protect myself.

It only took them five minutes to arrive, I tried to fight back a smile when Armin and Mikasa jumped out of the car and wrapped me in a tight hug between them but I couldn't help it. I smiled happily and pulled them both closer to me.

"Eren... I'm sorry..." I heard Armin cry and my eyes widened. Why... Was he sorry?

"Shhh... You didn't do anything, Arm... Shhhh..."

"He thinks it's his fault that you were able to run away... He saw you were upset and thought he should've done something about it when you two were at his apartment..." Mikasa whispered to me, that causing me to hug them both tighter

"Fuck... Sorry for worrying you two..." After a few more moments we finally let each other go and the Levi greeted me with a kick to my ass but it wasn't very hard so I laughed it off. "Marco's down here... Follow me." I said quickly before Jean could approach me. I turned round and climbed back down to the sewer, watching as the four others followed me.

Jean and Armin were the first ones to run into the room when I showed them, both of the on either side of Marco. They looked... Sick and worried, which was understanding since Marco was in such a condition but... I was in a worse condition back at Armin's apartment... And Jean just slapped me...

I snorted softly to myself. It was... Funny. It was funny how I just couldn't win against Marco. No matter what I did this man would just... Continue to get in the way...

...I know I said I was going to go back with Levi but... Marco was going to be fine. He had more then enough people looking after him so there was no point in me going. I'm... Staying. I have nothing to go back home to anyway.

"...Okay get him out and then leave." I said finally and all four sets of eyes landed on me. Levi was the first to speak after a few seconds of awkward silence.

"You're coming with us, brat." Shit, he sounded angry.

"No, I'm staying here."

"Eren, you're coming with us." I heard Mikasa say from behind me and de sounded so desperate it... Was breaking my heart.

"...No. I... I can't go back with you guys. I think... I can live better here..."

"Hah! Better?!" ...The one voice I really didn't want to hear finally spoke up. I wanted to fucking punch him when he said that.

"Yes, I do think I can live better here considering I'm actually accepted here and I'm not being deceived or abused!" I yelled at Jean and he just stared at me blankly. This fucking bastard just... Doesn't quit...

"No one is going to deceive or hurt you, Eren" Levi said as he walked up to me and hesitantly took my dirty hand in his. Shit. He must really want me to go home with him if he's actually willing to hold my hand.

"Yes, Jean will. That's all he's done to me from the start!" I felt something snap in me when I said those words and it was like... I couldn't stop. "Do you know, he used me to make Marco jealous?! Hah! He used me to make the love of his life jealous! Even though Marco is happily with Armin!" I heard Armin start crying but... I couldn't bring myself to care, I... Had to continue... "Horseface is in love with fucking Marco Bodt everyone! God forbid he could've just told Freckled Jesus that! Oh no! He had to go out of his way and make Marco jealous and hurt people on the process! Congratulations, Horseface you won--"

...My face... Hurt. I looked up to see Jean standing in front of me, his hand lifted. He... Slapped me... My eyes widened as he slapped me again, then again then again, until all I was seeing were stars. I fell to my knees and... I started crying... I couldn't help it... I really couldn't...

"You dare touch him again and I will end your fucking life." My eyes widened when I heard Annie's voice and the sound of a gun safety being clicked back. I looked around and saw her standing in the door frame, aiming her pistol at Levi, then at Jean, and then at Mikasa, going back and forth between my friends.

I was... Happy... That Annie came for me. She walked up to me and pick me up with her one free hand, she pulled me close to her and surprisingly, she kissed me.

"He's with me now, Assface, so don't fucking touch him unless you wanna die." Annie said when she pulled away from the kiss. It still felt wrong but... Was I really in any position to complain?

I looked at Mikasa and Armin, both of them looking shocked but Mikasa also looked very angry... But Annie didn't even flinch... I looked back at Levi and he looked even scarier than Mikasa but after a few seconds he finally spoke.

"...Let's go. Grab the freckle kid and get out." Levi said and I felt my heart ache as he walked over to Marco and picked him up.

"We can't leave Eren." Mikasa said angrily as Levi walked over and he just shook his head sadly.

"...Eren's dead." I felt my blood run cold when Levi whispered those words."Jean killed the real Eren. What you see before you is someone trying to act like Eren. And the only person you can blame for all of this, is Jean." With that, Levi, Mikasa, and Armin left with Marco but Jean just stood where he was, seeming paralyzed.

"...I didn't kill you, I... I didn't do anything!" Those words of denial coming from Jean's mouth sent a sour feeling to run through me and I stared Jean dead in the eye and smiled.

"Levi's right. The old Eren Jeager is dead because of you." I took the gun from Annie's hands and she let me take it. I aimed it at Jean, straight at his head. "Meet the new Eren." I put my finger on the trigger. "Now... Take responsibility for killing me."

What...the fuck was I doing?!


	29. I'll Disappear...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Really short chapter. Eren just wants to disappear but his guilt is holding him back... Sorry it's really short I just needed to get a chapter out lol.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay so things are moving quickly... The end is coming soon for this first part of this story... Like I think it'll be over within the next three chapters maybe?? Who knows. Anyway, I hope you enjoyed! Bye~

I wanted to shoot him. I wanted to cause him pain... I wanted him to know the pain that I felt all this time... But... This was too easy. Being shot would be painless... Unless... I shot him in the knee...

Fuck! Shut up! I don't... Want to hurt Jean... No matter how much he hurt me I can't, no I can't hurt him.

"...I'm sorry, Jean." I looked him dead in the eyes and dropped the gun. I felt a few tears trickle down my cheeks. "I'm so sorry... Just... Go! Go before I hurt you!" I yelled and fell to my knees. I felt Annie wrap her arms around me but... I had never felt so alone...

I had just wanted to intentionally hurt Jean... No I wanted to kill him. What... The fuck was wrong with me? Jean had never tried to kill me... Yes, he hurt me... But he hadn't tried to kill me? Hell, what sane person would try to kill their boyfriend?!

...Then again... I'm not sane? Am I?

"...Annie..." I whispered when I didn't hear Jean move. I needed him gone. I needed everyone I loved previously gone... It was time for me to... Try to move on from everything...

"Yes, Eren?" Annie responded.

"...Get Jean out, please." I lifted my head to look at Jean's shocked face. "...And if he doesn't leave willingly... Shoot at him until he gets out." I didn't want this. I didn't want to see the panick and hurt I saw on Jean's face. I... I really don't want to let Jean go but if I keep him close to me... He'll just keep on hurting me and I'm afraid that, I'll just keep on coming back to him! I just need to... Stay away from him, and he needs to stay away from me... I want him to allow me to... Just disappear from his life.

I think that this is the only way I can avoid being hurt... If I disappear, I can't be hurt.

So... That's why I want to disappear... I want to become a new man, start a new life.

I won't be hurt... No not ever again. This, I'm deciding now.

Once Jean is out of my life, I will completely restart my life as the new Eren Jeager. So come at me world. Throw everything you got at me. You can't stop what I'm about to do.

For once in my life, I'm not going to let Death take me, I'm going to fight, full force for my new life. The life I deserve.

And nobody can stop me, no matter how badly they want to push me down.

"...Eren..." Jean spoke up, finally, he said something. "Eren... I know I've been a shit boyfriend but... I do love you... And I promise... I won't give up on you. No matter what happens."

I couldn't help it. I laughed. I laughed like a fucking maniac. Even Annie stiffened.

"Jean..." I whispered when I calmed down. I pushed away from Annie to walk up to where Jean was. "My idiotic Jean... You won't be saying that... When I tell you what really was going to happen to Marco... Hell, it's still going to happen. And you can't do anything about it... And I can't either."

...To get Jean permanently out of my life... This is what I have to do. I-I can't flake out I have to... I have to get him out of my life... I...

"...What are you talking about, Eren? What's happening to Marco?" Jean's voice shook and I felt tears in my eyes again.

"H-He..."

...I couldn't do it.


	30. Shoot To Kill...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Eren tries to get away from Jean but Jean is persistent. It's basically Eren ranting.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ...I may have forgotten... To update... Whoops... Also I'm getting my wisdom teeth out D; does anyone know if it hurts?? Anyway, hope you enjoyed! Bye~

"...Get Jean out, please, Annie. I don't want to see him ever again."

"...Eren... You'll have to tell him eventually if you want him out of your life for good." Annie said softly and that pissed me off. It's like she wanted Jean to find out.

"Shut up and get him out." I said sternly. "And don't tell him anything. I'll do it myself... When I'm ready."

"...Of course." Annie kissed my cheek softly before going over to Jean and picking him up. She started to drag him away when Jean spoke up.

"What are you talking about Eren?! What are keeping from me?!"

I looked at Jean, cringing when I saw the panic and fear in his face. I caused him to do that, to make that face... Unfortunately.

I took a deep breath before speaking.

"...Look, Jean... Shit is going to go down." I told him honestly. "Like, even more than right now. I've tried to fix it but nothing works unless..." I hesitated.

"..Unless? Unless what Eren?!" Jean asked frantically, trying to pull away from Annie's grasp with no success.

"...Unless I die. But you stopped me. Multiple times. And no matter what I do, I can't die!" I was starting to feel frustrated, not only with myself but with everyone. It was like they were all against me, thinking everything is my fault. It technically is but even so... "I even got Annie to try to shoot me!" I continued. "But she refused! She couldn't do it!"

"Eren... I'm sorry baby--" No. No more sorries. Jean, you won't be saying sorry to me anymore. 

"Shut up!" I yelled. "Enough with your bullshit 'sorries'! That's all you do! Whenever we get into a fight and I explain my side of things you're always like, 'sorry' and I forgive you every damn time because for some reason I decided to fall in love you an asshole like you! Well guess what, Jean! I'm done! I'm done having you toss my heart around!" It felt good. That's the first thing I noted when I stood up to Jean. It felt good to let this anger out.

"N-- E-Eren-- No... Eren please, I'll change for you--"

"Stop interrupting me!" I screamed and walked up to Jean who was still being restrained by Annie. I grabbed him by the collar of his shirt and brought his face close to mine, so close I could feel the tickle of his breath on my face.

"Listen. Listen to me. Once I tell you what's going to happen, you'll kill me. You'll literally try to kill me, and you'll leave me and never see me again. Which is why I'm trying to get away from you now, so it'll be easier on me when I tell you and leave you." This was hard for me to do but until I'm ready to come out, this was all the explanation I could give Jean.

"...No. No matter how bad your secret is, I'll... I won't leave you. No matter what."

I smiled sadly at Jean. This idiotic man didn't even know what was going to happen.

"...I wish that were true." I whispered softly and I leaned closer to Jean to gently kiss him. I smiled when he immediately kissed me back, kissing sweet and slow... I was savouring it. After all, it was the last kiss I'd ever get from Jean.

"....Ahem." I heard Annie cough and Jean pulled away from me, looking embarrassed. Fuck... Can't I just say goodbye in peace?

"Leave me and Jean." I told Annie firmly, glaring at her while hoping she'd get the hint and just fucking leave.

"No." She said, staring at me equally. "I'm not going to leave you and risk having this idiot kill you."

"I'm not going to tell him yet so leave! I shouted at her. "Let me take care of myself! You were the one that wanted me to 'fight back'! So let me!" I held Jean close to me and watched Annie consider her options.

She finally sighed after a few moments, admitting defeat. "I did say that. Fine, I'll give you twenty minutes then I'm going to kick this guy's ass out of here."

I watched Annie spin on her heel and leave the room, shutting the metal door on her way out. Finally. It was just me and Jean.

"...Please..." I heard Jean whisper as he wrapped his arms around me. "Just... For gods sake just tell me... You can trust me, Eren... And I know it doesn't seem like it but you can! I'll change my ways! I'll do anything! I just... I want you fully in my life and I realize that now. I'm willing to do whatever it takes for you so please let me in... Tell me what's going on." I looked Jean straight in the eyes and... God that was a mistake. The look I saw, full of determination and honesty that... I wanted to tel him everything. I wanted to tell him all about the shit that would happen to Marco... But... This has happened before. I can't trust him, because every damn time I go back to him, I'm mentally and physically hurt.

"I-I can't... I really can't Jean. I've given you too many chances and... You keep screwing up. I can't trust you. And I know for a fact that you'll try to kill me if I tell you my secret now. I know you will."

"No, Eren, I honestly am ready to give you everything! I realized that I really do love only you and you alone! I don't care about being with Marco! He's taken and happy and I'm happy with you... I realize this now." Fuck him and his sincere looks... They're not going to trick me. I'll be dead in seconds if I so much as peep 'Marco is going to die because of me'.

"Yeah, well, you realized to late. It has to be like this, to prevent either one of us from hurting each other..."

"Give me one last chance! For real this time! If... If I hurt you in anyway... I... I... I want you to beat me up." Wait. What? "Punch me! Kick me! Do whatever you want to get your stress out! Just... Don't leave me... Please..."

For the love of fucking god... Augh... How can I say no to that? Honestly, I don't think I could say no even if I tried.

He just... Kept tempting me... That asshole... He knows he's my weakness... So doing this is just... Fucking cruel...

"...Fine. Let's see how loyal you really can be." I may have not have been able to say no to him... But... I can make our relationship so horrible, he won't want to come within a hundred metres of me.

I grabbed my belt from my pants and removed it. I pulled Jean's head down and pushed him until he fell to his knees. I brought the belt to his neck and wrapped it tightly around, making sure he was gasping a little bit for air once it was buckled in place.

"If you wanna be with me, I'll be the dominant one in this relationship." I smirked when I saw Jean's face grow pale.

"E-Eren... Please... I just want things to go back to normal--"

"Normal?! Hah! Don't make me laugh you idiot! Can't you see?!" I motioned to all around us, at all the dirt and filth and slime all around. "Nothing can go back to normal. Never. I decided that, this shithole, this hell of a place... Is going to be my new home." I saw Jean's eyes widen. I felt bad but this was the only way, since Jean refused to leave me by himself, I'll make him want to leave me.

I frowned when I saw something flash in Jean's eyes. I couldn't quite put my finger on it but it looked like... Anger? Was it a challenging look? I had... Never seen something like that before...

"I know what you're doing, Eren. And let me tell you now, it's not going to work. You'll have to kill me before I leave you."

I forced and smirk on my face. "That can be arranged." Was all I said.

After all... Killing Marco... Was like shooting Jean's heart.


	31. I'll Tell You A Story That's True...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Talking. Sorry there's so many talking chapters I just like talking??

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Shit is going down next chapter btw :3 part one to this series is almost over :D Anyway, hope you enjoyed! Bye~

"...I'm not going to do what you want me to, Eren." Jean said as he started to stand, but before even I knew what was happening, I kicked Jean in his stomach, causing the brunette to double over in pain.

"...Sorry, Jean. But if you want to be with me, you're going to have to be the submissive one." I whispered softly, trying to fight the tears that were threatening to spill from my eyes. I hated this. I felt dirty and evil for hurting Jean like this but I had to... I had to...

"Ah... S-shit..." My heart clenched when I saw the surprised and hurt look on Jean's face as he sat up. "Shit... Okay, I deserved that." I felt my eyes widen at his words and that was it. I let the tears fall down my cheeks and land one by one in front of Jean.

I cried softly, letting out wracked sobs as I fell to my knees, bunching my fists in my hair as I tucked on it harshly.

How... How could he fucking say that?! After everything he did to me... Good and bad... He still thinks that he deserves this? Does he think that this is worst things could get? He's so fucking wrong... This was nothing compared to what was going to happen... And every second I stayed next him... The more I wanted to tell him what would happen.

"Jean... How could you..." I cried but my sobs only got louder and more violent when I felt Jean's arms wrap around me. I felt... So safe...

"Eren... Please... Just tell me what's going to happen... I can help... I can help you..." Jean pleaded to me softly but I knew he couldn't. Nothing could help me now. I was a breaking man, falling apart every second of every damn day. I couldn't be fixed... Nothing could fix me now.

"You can't!" I screamed through my tears, frustration clear in my voice. "You can't help me! Not now..." I whimpered but I couldn't help myself from leaning into Jean's body heat. He felt so warm...

"Eren... Tell me what's happening... Let me help fix this... It's my fault." My eyes widened when I heard those last three words leave Jean lips.

He thinks... This is his fault. It's... It's not though... Is it?

I couldn't help but have new thoughts enter my head as I really thought about it. I was taking all my anger and frustration out on Jean when... He's not at fault. Not at all.

"...Explain how you think this is your fault..." I whispered, thinking everything through.

I heard Jean sigh softly before he started

"...I forced myself on you... I told you would be my boyfriend and you gave me a chance which I was thankful for... Things were great at the beginning, I thought, but... You just kept getting a distant look in your eye whenever there was silence... I had always wanted ask you what you were thinking... I never did though, I was scared you'd think I was being to annoying or over-peotective or something. But... I should've asked you. I should've made you tell me everything that was happening because that's what you need. You need someone to listen to you and..." Another hesitant sigh left Jean's lips. "I never did. I'm sorry, Eren. I know I was never there for you in the past but... I'm here now. I promise you that I'll be right here for whenever you need me from now on."

"...You're right, y'know. I think I did need someone to listen to me then. But it's too late now, isn't it?" I pulled away from Jean slightly to smile at him. "It's far too late to save either of us, I'm afraid."

"I can fix you, Eren! I can fix _us_." Jean begged me and I only shook my head in response. I was savouring this moment I had with Jean, I watched all his movements with fondness as he finally looked away.

"...What were you thinking about?" Jean suddenly asked me as I was caught off guard by that question.

"What do you mean?"

"...All the times you zoned out... What were you thinking about then?"

"..." This was my chance... To carefully tell Jean the truth. "...I thought... Of my nightmares." I held my finger up as if to say 'wait a second' when Jean started to open his mouth. "I was thinking... Of all the people I had killed, all the people that had suffered because of me and my curse... Then... I began to think... Who would my next helpless victims be? They could be anyone I was around with, hell, just anyone in general. It isnt fair... For me to just decide their fates... They should die the way they want to... I've tried to kill myself to stop what is going to happen, I don't even know if it'll work since I already dreamed of him..." I looked Jean dead in the eye, I could see the look of terror on his face.

"I'm a monster, Jean. And you helped create me by not letting me go, so congrats. I no longer want to commit suicide so... The people that will die in the future... Their fates are still in your hands. You can change them though." I took my gun from my holster and handed it to Jean, who hesitantly took it from me with trembling hands. "...Kill me, before I can hurt anyone else."

"N-No! Eren?! What the fuck are you even talking about?!" Jean shoved the gun back into my hands and I smiled softly and his innocence.

"Jean, you'll want to put a bullet through my brain later. I can swear to you that that is true. Once you've figured everything out... I'll be done for..."

"Eren... Tell me what's going on... Who's... Who's going to get hurt? It's because of your dreams right? Maybe we can help prevent--" Ah. That was the moment I saw the gears start to turn in Jean's mind for once and I cried while smiling. He knew what was going to happen.

"...Your kidding... R-right? It's just... A cruel joke? Haha! Very funny! Now tell me the truth, Jeager! What's going to happen?!"

"I'm sorry Jean..." I whispered as I crawled away from Jean. "I'm sorry for everything I've done and will do to you..."

"I-- No! I won't believe it until you tell me with your own mouth!" He yelled and I stood up.

...It was always going to happen, so might as well just tell him now.

"I.... I'm going to kill..." I whispered softly and I heard Jean's breath hitch.

_Forgive me someday, Jean._

"Marco..."


	32. Talking... And mistakes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Talking... Again... Yeah. Everything is very contradicting Ik XD

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Um okay so awkward my dad went on my phone and looked at the fics I was reading on ao3 and may or may not have banned me from the site so uh... Shhh dun tell him I'm here XD anywho one more chapter left and it's gunna be pretty long. Tbh I might have to make it into two chapters but eh. Again sorry for late updates and yeah. Anyway, hope you enjoyed! Bye~

"Tell me the t-truth! This is just a lie.. It's just a fucking cruel lie!" Jean finally raised his voice and when I didn't reply he took a few steps toward me.

"Well?! Say _something_!" Jean screamed though... It sounded more like he was pleading...

"...If your going to hit me, I'd do it now while you still can..." I whispered softly and... That was Jean's breaking point.

I heard him gasp and sob softly for a few seconds and, well, you can guess what happens next.

Jean ran up to me and punched me across the jaw, the blow made me fall to my knees. But still... I couldn't look up at him, I didn't want to see what emotions those eyes held.

"Stop spewing out nonesense!" Jean yelled at me as he kicked me away from him and he collapsed to his knees.

...He's in denial...

"...Jean..." I hissed softly, feeling the new cut on my lip as my mouth moved. "It's true... And I don't know how to stop this..."

"Bullshit! You're just freaking me out you fucker! It's impossible to kill someone in your dreams, bastard!"

"Jean... It's... It's going to happen. I've tried everything to stop it but--"

"You fucking liar! Even if this were real you'd probably just sit around and cut yourself instead of actually doing something!"

...He was kinda right... The first thing I tried to do was kill myself... To see if Marco wouldn't die then...

"I-I know... But... This is real... And if you want to save Marco then you need to find a way to do it... So... If you... Wanna see if my theory is right... Pick the gun back up and... End it all." I spoke softly and I finally looked up to lock eyes with Jean. His eyes were slightly red and his hair was dishevelled, god... He looked like a mess... But... His face looked so pained... And... I was the one that did this to him in the end, wasn't I?

"No! Fuck you! No one is going to die! I'm not going to kill you and you're not killing Marco!" Why is it so hard to see the people you love most break? Did Mikasa or Levi feel this way as they watched me break?

"...It's going to happen. It will. I know it's hard to believe but this is all real, Jean... I don't know how many more times I have to tell you..." I looked away again and got up, going over to Jean. He moved away from me as I got closer but eventually I closed the gap between us.

I helped him up, half expecting him to punch me again but, surprisingly, he allowed me to touch him. I let him slump against me and I wrapped an arm around his waist to support him more. I hesitantly started to lead him out of the sewage tunnels but before we reached an exit, he pushed me away.

"...You're fucking with me. I know you are." The hope he had in his voice was heart breaking.

"...Let's get you home." I said, finally giving up. Maybe he can cope this way... Maybe...

"...You're going to come back with me and stay this time... Right?"

"N-no... I can't." I shook my head and looked sadly at Jean. "I don't think I can ever stay with you again. Or Mikasa, or Levi or even Armin. You guys aren't safe around me."

"Stay." Jean said softly as he walked up to me. "I know you aren't a murderer and I sure as hell know you can't murder people in your sleep so... Stay. Please."

I don't understand why he doesn't just... End this all. He could kill me, quite easily in fact and yet he chooses to deny everything. Even though I've told him I've killed people in my dreams before... Why is he only denying it now? Is it because it's Marco?

"You should get out... Unless you want to take my offer?"

Jean stared at me for a long while before he started shaking his head.

"You're lying to me and I fucking know it."

"I wish I was."

"..."

"I'll walk you back home... If you want..."

"You're staying with me, Eren."

"You can't make me. Honestly, just give up Jean. Once you realize I'm not lying you'll hate me and try to kill me..."

"You are lying! I mean, killing someone in a dream?! It's absurd! It's so stupid... So just... Come home... I'm sorry for everything I've done to you so let's just... Start over... Start from scratch... So, please, come home to me."

How can... He honestly say that... How can he break me even more than I already am?

"...Stop. D-do you even realize how badly I want to take up your offer?! To just run back into your arms and feel safe and loved again?! It hurts! It hurts knowing I can't ever feel your warmth!" I started crying as I ranted. I know I was going to lose all this from the start but saying it out loud just made it feel official. I could never be loved by this man again. "Just..! Don't even think about me! Get me out of your head! Honestly just... Find someone else... Someone that's normal... Happy... Loving... You can be happy... With them. So forget about me and everything I've done..."

"Eren, I'm not leaving without you--"

I heard Jean gasp and I looked up to see Reiner pointing a gun at Jean's temple. I knew Reiner would harm Jean so I smiled softly.

"I think you should listen to Eren and just leave him. I'll take care of him, don't worry." Reiner grumbled to Jean as he grab him by the arm and started to push him to the exit.

"Fuck you! Eren! Please! I love you, you bastard! I know this now and I want you to know it too!"

I covered my ears and looked away as Reiner got Jean out. I sat where I was until I felt a shaking hand on my shoulder. I looked up to see Bert crouching down next to me.

He looked at me sadly and I sniffed softly before I finally released it all. I wrapped my arms around Bert's lanky body and cried. It felt good... This cry... As Bert hesitantly hugged me.

It felt really nice... To have someone embrace you while you're so vulnerable.

It felt... Safe.


	33. Not An Accident...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ...RIP Marco, all I have to say.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ...so... Umm... I may have forgotten about this fic after procrastinating... And I'm literally so stuck on this? So sorry if these last few chapters seem rushed but I'm not really inspired with this anymore please understand :( I just feel like I always get too out of control when writing a fic and it gets messy and I wish I hadn't written some things I did so yeah... Enjoy these last chapters! Also I will in fact be making this a series so hopefully I'll be a bit more inspired with the next part this this :) Anyway, hope you enjoyed! Bye~

_...What just...happened? I saw Marco crossing the street a-and there was a bus... Wait. The bus was heading straight for Marco and, and I called out Marco's name... I was too late... Wait... What happened? Why is it... So bright? Ughh..._

***

"Things are better this way... Things are better this way..."That is what I've been repeatedly chanting for the past hour. Ever since my friends left... Levi left... And... Jean. Why does it seem like I'm the only one affected in this situation! It's so fucking infuriating!

"...How long do you think he's going to do that for?" I heard Reiner ask in a not too quiet whisper. I sighed. I was sat on my bed with Annie, Bert and Reiner sitting on the floor surprisingly playing... Cards. Of all things they could do, plot murder, go on a robbing spree, they decide to play cards while I'm breaking down in the biggest crisis of my life. These... Bastards.

"I heard that, Reiner." I growled, looking over at him to send him a glare. I was not in the fucking mood. But of course the big asshole just smiles at me and gives me a wink.

"C'mon, Eren." Reiner got up and walked over, taking a seat a little too close for comfort beside me. "I know this is hard for you--"

"That's a damn under statement!" I yelled, pushing myself away from Reiner. I could feel the trio's eyes on me and I felt my face heat up as angry tears made their way into my eyes.

"...Eren, t-the best thing you can do right n-now... Um, in my opinion, that is, is to just forget about all of them." I whipped my head around to Bert, giving him an incredulous stare. Is he honestly serious?! Why would I just suddenly forget all the people who had cared about me for my whole life, minus Jean, but Mikasa, Levi and Armin?! No way. I may hate the current situation I'm in but... I don't want to completely forget about them... I don't...

"You know, that's not a bad idea. You have us after all, we'll take care of you for now on." Reiner said in a softer voice than his usual enthusiastic one. "We love you after all." Ahh... The L word... Yep, I was done with that word.

"Don't." I growled, feeling the hatred in my heart fill my eyes as well. "Never. Use. That. Word. I won't accept that word anymore." I looked at Reiner for a long time and saw his eyes flood with understanding.

"I'm sorry, Eren. I'm sorry." Reiner whispered as he wrapped his arms around me. I didn't object his intimacy, I savoured it if anything.

I leaned into his touch even more and sure enough when he met my eyes we started kissing. Yep, another thing with this little group is that it seems they are all dating each other. I've seen Bert being kissed by both Annie and Reiner and now I guess I'm going to be apart of that. Well... I'm not totally against it...

Reiner's lips... Feel so warm and nice against mine. It's.. Sweet, to say the least. I actually enjoy this but it's nothing compared to when I kiss Jean... Oh well. I'd choose this trio any day over Jean.

Throughout my thoughts and the kissing, I felt a single tear roll down my face.

_Jean... I swear on Marco's life that this is the last tear that I will ever shed on you._

***

It's been a little over a week and I've got a single phone call from Marco, telling me that he was okay and that he wished that I would come home. I had responded softly, saying I was happy he was alright before I hung up. As long as he was fine then I was happy.

Other happy news is that I feel a lot better staying in the sewers with the trio. They have been nothing but supportive and we all look after one another down here. As for my nightmares, they haven't stopped, unfortunately. And that brings us to the bad news. I don't know how to stop them and neither does Annie. She says to just accept them and I would but... I keep dreaming about Marco. So for the past few days I've been running on nothing but a measly four hours of sleep, total, maybe even a little less. Hopefully no harm comes to him...

No, stop. I tell myself, waking up from my reverie. Today is suppose to be a good day so I shouldn't think such sad thoughts. After all, Annie said that'd she'd take me into town to go shopping with her. For living in the sewers, the trio was actually pretty well off, sure all of it was stolen but hey, gotta make a living some how.

Annie made me put on some normal black skinny jeans with black combat boots and an old band tee, I'm assuming it's Bert's from the way it drapes off of me. I look in the cracked mirror beside my bed and can't help but stare. I look... Different, in a weird sense. I've looked at myself many times but this time, I feel I look... Better.

I whirl around when I hear someone wolf whistle at me and I'm met with Annie leaning against my door frame, wearing a cute white spring dress that ends just above her knees. She looks... Really cute.

"Ready to go?" She asks in her normal monotone voice, although her eyes betray her emotionless body language as they look me up and down. I can tell she likes what she sees.

I nod and walk to the door where I pause in front of her to lean down. I wrap my arms around her neck as she leans up to meet me in a soft kiss. Although I may have rejected her at first, I found that I really like kissing Annie. I think I just found it weird at first because when she first kissed me, I wasn't used to her cold lips. But things have change and so have my feelings. Now I can't wait to have my lips on hers any chance I get and she seems to feel the same way.

I gasp when she suddenly pinches my butt and she moves away. I growl softly in disappointment but she just shushes me.

"I would really love to fuck you but unfortunately we have to go shopping. After this we can play." She smirked and flipped a bit of her hair out of her face. Ahh... I really like it when she did that, it was really cute.

I just sigh but nod and then we're off. We head out of the sewers and we take a taxi into town. I'm glad Annie is with me because I'm always so on edge whenever I head into this area. After all... It's really close to where my friends and Jean live... But chances of me bumping into one of them are pretty slim... Right?

Annie and I take a few hours buying some clothes and basic groceries until we reach a sex shop. True to her word Annie did in fact plan to fuck me when we got back because she told me to wait out side until she found a toy I might like. I felt my whole face turn red as she walked in and I was left by myself to think of all the things she could possibly buy to use on me.

I decided to sit on a nearby bench and play on my phone when a few minutes later, I felt really wrong. Something was really fucking wrong. I felt scared and anxious as I looked around me and as I looked at all the passing peoples' faces. Nothing was out of the ordinary until my eyes landed on _him_. He was walking on the opposite side of the road I was on, but I couldn't help but to feel panic rise within me. I kept staring at him until... He looked right back at me.

His dark eyes widened at the sight of my being and he immediately ran to the closest street crossing to what I assume is to get to me. Fuck... This man is still causing me trouble! I kept staring at him and he kept staring at me and I just accepted the fact that I would need to talk to him in order to get him to leave me alone.

But... Wait. Something was terribly wrong. Very, very wrong. Nobody else was crossing and there were no cars on the street... What does it mean?

I felt myself break into a cold sweat as I jumped up and ran to the crosswalk just as the light lit up the walking sign signal. He was already halfway through the abnormally long crosswalk when a loud blaring horn suddenly went off from a little over a hundred metres away. My worst fear was coming true.

"Run!" I screamed at him as a huge bus charged at full speed towards him. He started running but the bus was swerving all along the road. He wasn't going to make it. He wasn't going to make it over to me.

"Marco!" I screamed and stretched my hand out as far as I could toward him. He was so close. _So_ close to me. He stretched out his hand as well, many emotions flickering over his face but mostly fear. He was so close to the side walk but the bus was close as well. Just a few more steps and he'd be in my grasp. 5 steps... 2 steps... 1 ste--

**...SMACK**

Mar--co? He wasn't there, he wasn't standing in front of me. Instead there was a giant bus speeding past me and I felt it hit my arm, bending my limb in a direction that should be impossible. I saw and tasted the blood spraying out of my arm and I could hear a lady screaming. But... Marco. The bus was gone as quickly as it had come and... There was no Marco. There was only a pile of shredded flesh and bones left in the middle of the road where Marco should've been. Blood and guts had been strewn everywhere by the bus' wheels and it had long since stopped at the end of the street. Another person was screaming and it took me a moment to realize it was me. More people had gathered and others barfed while others started crying but I just stood there. I looked at what had once been a friend, even if I hadn't known him too well. I looked at what had once been a wonderful boyfriend. I _was_ looking at what had once been someone, someone better than myself. Someone that should have stayed alive and watched me die instead.

I heard sirens but I didn't stop screaming from where I was stood. I felt tears rolling down my face but I couldn't tear my gaze away from the shredded meat. I didn't look away when I was picked up and put in the back of an ambulance. I didn't look away when a black tarp was thrown over the pile of flesh. I didn't even look away when the doors to the ambulance were shut closed on me. I only stopped screaming and looking when I went unconscious.

When I woke up, all I could see was white.


	34. It's All My Fault...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's all over now.

_Beep... Beep... Beep..._

...It's clear that I'm in a hospital. I just woke up and I knew it as soon as my vision cleared. I'm in a hospital, my arm is bandaged heavily and I feel like shit. So that means nothing was a dream. That means Marco is really...

"Eren!" I heard a relieved voice sigh out and I looked over at Annie who was sitting in a chair beside my bed. Her hair was a frizzy mess, she had dark bags under her eyes and she looked a little paler than normal. "Oh my gosh... Thank goodness..." She sighed again and laid her head on my shoulder.

"Annie?" I managed to croak out, wincing a little at the burning sensation that filled my throat.

"Don't talk. The doctor said you temporarily damaged your vocal cords from screaming too much."

Oh... That's why my throat feels like hell, I guess. But... I need to confirm what happened to Marco. I desperately looked at Annie, hoping she would get the message and I felt tears enter my eyes even before Annie confirmed my sneaking suspicion.

"He's dead." Was all that left her lips but I was already a sobbing mess. I threw my hands up over my face and I just did what I did best. I cried. Gosh... I'm so sick of crying. But I suppose this time, I have a legitimate reason.

This isn't a silly mid-life crisis or a breakup, it was the death of someone important to the world, a death caused solely by me.

"Eren... It's not your fault. None of this is." Annie looked up and put her hands on my cheeks, forcing me to stare her straight in the eyes. "You didn't ask to be born like this, none of us did."

"I-it is... My fault." I gasped out, trying to ignore the burning and stinging coming from the back of my throat. "I dreamt of h-him and n-now he's dead..." I was starting to shake, it seems my body has started to catch up with my mind.

"Eren, shh, you're just in shock, just go back to sleep--"

"No-- ah!" I screamed when I started yelling at Annie, trying to remind myself my vocal cords were still damaged. "I could've ended this all, m-multiple times.. and I didn't... I didn't... Now Marco is g-gone and Armin is going to-- Armin... Does he know?! Ow..."

Annie hesitated before kissing me softly as she wrapped her long fingers into my hair. It did little to calm me down but I was thankful to her anyway. When we pulled apart for air she spoke.

"I called that Mikasa girl from your phone... I knew you'd want them too know... Even if you're scared of their reactions. So I called them and they've been notified of what happened..."

"Are they okay?! Is Armin and Jean--" I stopped pushing my voice when Annie pressed her finger against my lips, giving me a sympathetic look.

"You've been out for a total of thirteen hours and... They waited all night for you to wake up... The blond kid is a mess, he's absolutely delirious... Mikasa hasn't said a word, neither has her brother and... Jean." The name sounded like venom coming from Annie's mouth. "He's... Dangerous looking. He hasn't said anything and he hasn't cried or done anything..."

"...Let me see t-them." I pleaded. Even though I couldn't talk well, even though I had just murdered my best friend's boyfriend... I needed to talk to my friends. Even if they screamed curses at my face or tried to kill me themselves, I won't run away this time. I just need to accept this. This was my fate all along, I was born to be hated. So why try to stop the inevitable? I just need to face it. Everything is my fault after all.

***

_Jean's POV_

It was one in the morning when I got the call. It was from Mikasa, her usual hard voice suddenly gone soft and sorrowful. I had thought it was a joke at first, when she first told me that Eren was in the ER and that Marco... H-had passed. I quickly figured out she hadn't been lying and I felt my soul leave my body.

I suppose that's why I feel empty now, watching Armin lose his sanity piece by piece as I stare at the door leading into the room of the cruelest monster to ever live. _Eren_. This is all his fault... He's the reason my best friend is dead and why Armin is losing his mind... He should have been the one to die! He should have died...

I flinched a bit when Mikasa bolted up from her seat beside me and I looked up to see why. The Annie girl had walked out of Eren's room and said that Eren was awake. Good, I can finally kill him.

Without another word Mikasa and Levi rushed into the room and I got up to follow close behind. I heard Armin stumble along after us as I pushed through the door. I couldn't wait to wrap my hands around his neck, to choke him until his eyes rolled into the back of his head and his body went limp. I was prepared to do just that, until my eyes landed on him.

I had felt horrible, knowing the man I had loved my whole life died but... Eren... The one who killed my beloved... The sight of him, made me forget all about Marco.

My eyes widened, my blood ran cold and I felt as if I couldn't breathe. He looked dead, devoid of any life left in his worn body. I managed to lock eyes with him and I had to suppress a shiver that wanted to run through me. His face was just as dead as his demeanour, his once beautiful, bright eyes now dim and dull. They were tired looking, as if he had just given up, and with his loss of hope, the spark had left him, leaving a cold shell in its place.

This thought terrified me. I wanted to see those fiery eyes lit up once again, a smile just below them to brighten things up even more. I wanted to see him laugh, yell and cry. I didn't want to see this...this... _thing_.

Then he spoke.

"H-he's dead. Because of me. I k-know you all know. S-so get it over with!"

Fuck. His voice was my breaking point. I knew he had hurt his vocal cords but the pain behind the words he had spoke were from more than the hurt cords. Before I knew I was moving, I somehow pushed past both Mikasa and Levi to walk right up to Eren's side. He looked... Pathetic. He looked so prepared for what he thought was going to happen that I wanted to cry.

I suddenly jumped on the bed and grabbed his wrists, pinning him down, although there really wasn't any need to, he didn't bother to fight back. Why wasn't he fighting back?! I want him to! I want him to challenge me!

I felt angry tears start to stream from my eyes but not for the reasons he was obviously thinking. I love Marco, yes. And I'm fucking horrified that he died and in such a way but... Compared to Eren, Marco doesn't have a chance to hold a spot in my heart. Not when Eren fills its entire being up.

I was unsure before, of who I really loved. I had loved Marco but had cheated that idea by dating some girl who I later cheated Eren with. Then I broke up with her only to cheat Eren again by allowing him to find out that I actually loved Marco. I've hurt him too many times. Too many bloody times. I hadn't realized the intense love I felt for him until it was too late. I had broken him so many times and I don't think there's enough pieces to glue together this time...

But I can try.

"It's not your fault." I growled, staring him down. I saw the tiniest amount of shock enter his eyes but it was gone as quickly as it had come. It's almost as if he was now shielding himself.

"Eren, it's not your fault. It's not your fault. It's not your fault!" I yelled desperately, grabbing him by the shoulders as I picked him up and held him close to me. I never broke eye contact with him.

"It's horrible! His death is horrible! And I'm horrible for not only hurting you, but for being more upset over your state than over my best friend's death!" This seemed to pique Eren's interest because shock was etched all over his face, his beautiful face. I felt his tentative fingers hesitantly wrap around my arms. They were shaking.

"Eren, I'm sorry! I'm so sorry! I've been horrible but I promise this time that I will fix everything! I'll even fix you. I will." I was pleading now, I couldn't lose him again. Not this time.

***

_Eren's POV_

Was he... Serious? I had prepared myself to be punch, verbally abused and even possibly killed but... This?! He's confessing to me?! Fuck I really hadn't prepared myself for anything like this... What do I do? I...I want to go back to him but at the same time... I don't know...

I looked away from him for a brief second to look at all my other friends. Levi looked tired, bags under his eyes, his hair a mess... But he looked relieved. He nodded at me as an invitation to come back as he grabbed Mikasa's hand. She also had the same tired expression but... She also looked peaceful. Small tears littered her cheeks and I watched sadly as she brushed them away. She smiled softly at me and mouthed 'please'. She wants me to come home.

I made the mistake of looking at Armin. His face was a mess of tears, his hair was trashed, and he looked like he was in _pain_. It broke my heart and I felt tears well up in my eyes as I forced myself to look away. I couldn't come back, not with Armin like this. Not after all the pain I had caused him...

I suddenly felt Jean lessen his hold and smaller arms wrapped around my neck as soft, blond hair nested on my left shoulder. I looked over as Armin buried his face into my chest. I felt his small sobs wrack against me and I wanted to cry at the sight. But the look he gave me when he forced his head up knocked the tears away. He looked hurt still but fierce.

"It wasn't you. You didn't do this, Eren. And I'm so glad that you're okay. I miss Marco so much but I'll be able to live. I-if you had been the one t-to... Die I wouldn't have been able to s-survive..." He burst out into tears and I couldn't help myself from crying a bit too. I wrapped my arms tightly around my friend and I cried.

This was the first cry that I've had in a while that felt... Good.

"Come back... Eren, come back with us." Armin pleaded softly.

I wanted to, I really wanted to. To be able to wake up next to Jean, to be able to hang out with my best friends... It sounds like a dream. But... It's a dream I can't have.

I pulled away from Armin and shook my head. "No. No, I can't. I still have dreams and... I'm afraid that I'm going to dream of one of you guys if I'm around you too much... I can't endanger you like that... I-can't... Not again..." This was for the best. I need to let them go just like they need to let me go.

The room went silent but it wasn't long until Jean interrupted.

"Eren... We can help you! We don't care what happens to us! We just need you." He sounded so hurt that I almost gave in. Almost.

"I-I'm sorry but... I can't. I can't hurt anyone else. I won't..." I smiled at Jean. "I do love you, but not enough to stay."

I was happy. For the first time in months I've felt truly happy, that no one blamed me and that everyone wanted me to come back. Well... Almost everyone... Minus myself. I love them all which is why I need to go. I just... Wanted closure.

Before my friends could protest I told Annie to get me out of here. Without another word she untangled the wires connected to my body, lifted me up and quickly left, leaving behind my speechless friends. I heard them coming running after us a few short moments later but they wouldn't catch up.

I was a danger to them, I always will be. So until I figure out how to control my dreams... I'll stay away. Forever if I have to. Until I'm stable. Nothing will be my fault then.

***

_Jean's POV_

I watched the man I loved quickly retreat off with the woman who had stolen him from me.

Everything up until now, everything that's happened... It's all my fault.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Omg okay so it's the end, finally :D but then there's part two... XD. I just want to thank everyone who's been really supportive of me while I've been writing this, you are all very nice and you even managed to put up with my bullshit updates. So again, thank you, I'm so happy you all stuck around for so long and hopefully part two will be a better improvement from part one! Yeah! Let's do this! >:D Anyway, as always, I hope you enjoyed! Until next time, bye~


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